A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son.

Eric and Phil were teeing off on the long par 5seventh hole. Eric decided he was going to reach thegreen in two and took such a cut at the ball that heal most fell over. The ball skimmed out over the course about 5 feet above the ground, slicing into a tree and bouncing into the fairway about 150 yards out.

Phil said: "Nice condom shot."

Eric said: "What's a condom shot."

Q. How is golf like taxes?

This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.

The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup. The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."

Friend of mine named hates to lose at golf. He was in afoursome when his ball landed in a sand trap. Hidden from view, the rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at the ball. When he finally drove it out, and rejoined us, I asked him how many strokes that was.

"Three." he replied.

"Oh come on!" said another member of the group. "I heard six."

Jack and Jessica met on the beach, fell in love with each other at first glance, and after three days, were married.

The wedding night was as successful as it could be, but when Jessica awoke the following morning, she found her husband dressing.

She said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Jack said, "Darling, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you that I'm a golf fiend. I play golf every day. I enter every tournament. I am afraid that you will rarely see me."

Jessica nodded and said, "Well, that's all right. After all, we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you, either, that I'm a hooker."

On a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, a guy stood on the first tee at his country club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.

"You creep!" she screamed in his face. "You lousy no-good rotten stinking creep!"

"What's your problem, sweetie?" he calmly replied. "I distinctly told you 'only if it rained'."

As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. "What's going on here?" he thought, once again taking his stance.

Another distraction as a third man went running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand. Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway,
he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him:

"Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the mental hospital beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to
see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back.''

"What about the bucket of sand?''

A golfer got on the Tee of a short water hole. He teed an old ball, and a voice said: "Use a new ball!"

So the guy teed up a new ball and took a practice swing.

The voice said: Use the old ball!!"

Jack Nicklaus took his Cadillac in for a car wash. As he was finishing, the kid who was drying the car found two golf tees on the front seat. Having no golf experience he had no idea what they were.

When Nicklaus walked over to get the car after the kid was signaled him, the kid showed Nicklaus what he found and asked what they were.

*Oh, those are tees.* *What do you use them for?* They hold up my balls when I am driving*.

The kid walked away, shaking his head and saying to himself *Damn Cadillac! They think of everything!*

The Golfer and The Caddy

G: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

C: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

G: "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."

C: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

G: "Do you think my game is improving?"

G: = Golfer
C: = Caddy

G: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
C: "Eventually."

G: "You've got to be the worst golfer in the world."
C: "I don't think so ma'am. That would be too much of a coincidence."

G: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
C: "It's not a watch - It's a compass."

Handicap Golf

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF:

1. MONICA LEWINSKY

2. O.J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON

"WHY?" YOU ASK?

WELL.......

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O.J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND....