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Author Topic: Golf Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 07:25 AM                        Rated PG Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher.But on the twelfth hole,when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap,he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice,"that the best golfers do not use foul language." "I guess not," said Dave,"What the hell do they have to cuss about....?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 12:50 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues How Golf is like Urinating in a Public Restroom (I guess this only applies to boys...) 10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 9. Form a loose grip. 8. Keep your head down. 7. Avoid a quick backswing. 6. Stay out of the water. 5. Try not to hit anybody. 4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you. 3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others. 2. Be quiet while others are about to go. 1. Keep strokes to a minimum.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 01:36 PM                        Rated G A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought. "Doctor's orders," the man told his friend." My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it.He said we needed more exercise,so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs." "What did you buy your wife?" the friend asked. The man said, "A new matching bicycle and lawn mower."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 03:57 PM                        Rated G I did What? After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 10:53 AM                        Rated G When I played baseball in high school,I couldn't hit a curve ball. Now that I play golf, I can't stop hitting them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2003 05:36 AM                        Rated X This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker. "Goddammit!" he said. "Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun. "I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. "Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun. "Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. "Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2003 05:38 AM                        Rated PG It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!" I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!" I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the fuck up and let me play my second shot?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2003 05:40 AM                        Rated PG The woman golfer called her pro to say that she could not keep her lesson. The pro asked her why and she explained that she got stung by a bee while playing golf. He asked her where and she said, "Between the first and second hole," and her pro said, "I guess that would make it hard on your stance."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2003 08:16 PM                        Rated G  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2003 08:18 PM                        Rated G After church one Sunday, one of the parishioners walked up to the minister and said, "Reverend, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?" "My son," said the reverend, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 12:58 PM                        Rated G The husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples alternate shot tournament at his club.He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball,the husband said to his wife "just hit it toward the green,anywhere around there will be fine." The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted,the husband said "that's ok sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. he found it just in time,but in a horrible position.He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. still maintaining composure,the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.He took the ball out of the hole and,while walking off the green,put his arm around his wife and calmly said,"honey, that was a bogey,and that's ok, but I think we can do better on the next hole." to which she replied, "listen asshole, don't bitch at me,only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-05-2003 06:51 AM                        Rated G A one-wood golf club walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer but the bartender refuses to serve him. "Why not?" asks the club. "Because," the bartender replies, "you're the designated driver."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 03:17 PM                        Rated G Rosy My dad was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom. When he came out he sighed audibly and another golfer said to him, "Feel better?" "Yeah," said dad, "It's the only place on the whole course where nobody tells me to improve my stance or change my grip!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 03:46 PM                        Rated G A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddy from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play. On the first tee, the golfer mishit his shot,and it dribbled forward about 15 yards.He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot.He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway,and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4,he was 6 over par. The man turned to his caddy and said, "Well, I have never played this badly before!" To which the caddy replied,"I didn't realize you had played before, sir."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 06:11 AM                        Rated R It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!" I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!" I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the fuck up and let me play my second shot?"  |  IP: Logged

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