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Author Topic: Golf Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 11:47 AM                        Rated G The Old Golfer An 80-year old guy goes to the doctor for a check-up.The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,"How do you stay in such great physical condition?" "I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape.I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Well," ways the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.How old was your dad when he died?" "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad'sstill alive?  How old is he?" "He's 100 yrs old," says the old golfer. "In fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a golfer too." "Well! ," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my grandpa's dead?" Stunned, doctor asks,"You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Just how old is he anyway?" "He's 118 years old," says the old golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point and says,"So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married." The doctor can hardly believe it. "Got married!!  Why in the heck would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?" [ 09-04-2003, 07:50 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-02-2003 06:55 AM                        Rated G JJ on the left coast A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job? The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles." The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?" The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."   |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 10:21 AM                        Rated G LADIES GOLF A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them, 'How did your game go?' The first said she had a good round with 25 riders.The second said she did OK with 16 riders.The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders.The fourth was disappointed and said she played badly with only 2 riders. The Pro was confounded by this term 'rider' but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wished them better golf next time.He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked, "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a 'rider' is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on the golf cart!  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-04-2003 05:33 PM                        A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. "I'm on the seventh hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So, you must be on the sixth hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the thirteenth hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" "I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied. "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool. "See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!" "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2003 11:50 AM                        Rated G Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy,"I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-26-2003 06:57 AM                        Rated G B.B. A husband and wife were out playing golf.They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.She hits a beautiful second shot,but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere.She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says,"I'm Mother Nature,and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups.From now on,you won't be able to stand the taste of butter.Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken,the wife calls out to her husband "Hey,where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back,"DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 02:45 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee FEMALE GOLFING TERMS CADDY --2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself. CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again. DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen." FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch. GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license. GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger. HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose. IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts. ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything. SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing. SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver." TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee. WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip. WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2003 07:48 AM                        Rated G Frank A priest, scientist, an astronaut and a plumber were playing golf one day. To kill the time they started a conversation on natural occurrences. They chose to debate about wind. The scientist said that winds were the result of thermal convection. The astronaut said that they were made by the planet's rotation. The priest said that storms were God's way of cleansing the earth. The plumber said that he only knew that the wind always blew when he played golf. They played through 17 holes, arguing furiously. Just as they teed up at the 18th, everything became calm. Amazingly, a giant hand came down through the clouds just inches above their heads. The astronaut and the scientist didn't see it because they didn't believe in the supernatural. The priest knelt down and prayed in fear. Only the plumber stood up. Suddenly a voice boomed down,"If you want the answer,pull my finger!" The plumber did, and a mighty wind blew.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2003 07:54 AM                        Rated R Michele A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball,and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" The man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2003 06:17 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A man is having a really bad day on the golf course.By the 14th hole,he's missed one putt too many, and he lets loose with a string of profanities,grabs his putter,and storms off toward the lake by the 15th tee. "Uh-oh," says his caddie to one of his playing partners,"There goes that club." "You think so?" said the other golfer."I've got five bucks says he misses the water."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2003 07:55 AM                        Rated G JJon the Left Coast Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 05:52 PM                        Rated G James addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow,something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force.He dropped! James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay,quite unconscious,with the ball between his feet. "Good heavens," exclaimed James,"what shall I do?" "Don't move him!" cautioned his partner."If we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it two club lengths away."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 12:11 PM                        Rated G Michele A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golfIt was a very close match,and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball,and swung his driver with great force.The ball,instead of sailing down the fairway,merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away. The clergyman frowned,glared,and bit his lip,but said nothing. His opponent regarded him for a moment,and then remarked: "Father,that is the most profane silence I have ever witnessed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-25-2003 06:59 AM                        Rated G Michele A panic-stricken golfer charged into the clubhouse,grabbed the pro by the arm and said,"You gotta help! I was on the 9th hole and I hit a terrible slice.The ball sailed right off the course and hit a guy riding a motorcycle.He lost control and swerved into the path of a truck.The truck tried to stop but jack knifed,rolled over and broke apart.It was carrying thousands of bee hives and now the angry bees are attacking everyone in sight. It's awful! It's a disaster! What should I do?" And the pro answered, "Well, the first thing is you've got to keep your arms straight and remember to get your right hand a bit more under the club..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2003 01:29 PM                        Rated G Golf One-Liners When I die, bury me on our local golf course so my husband will come and visit. I won't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. "Golf is played by 20 million American men whose wives think they are out having fun." (Jim Bishop) "It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." (Henry Aaron) "Have you ever noticed what word 'golf' makes spelled backwards?" (Al Boliska) May your ball lie in green pastures and not still waters. "The difference between golf and government is that in golf, you can't improve your lie." (George Deukmejian) Golf was invented by the same people who think that music comes out of a bagpipe.  |  IP: Logged

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