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Author Topic: Golf Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 09:31 AM                        Rated G Janine A little boy watched with interest the efforts of a golfer in the bunker trying to get himself out. At last, the ball rose in a cloud of sand,then dropped on the green and rolled into the hole. "Gosh" said the boy, "he'll have a tough time getting out of that one." [ 01-16-2004, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2004 06:54 PM                        Rated G After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car,a policeman stopped him and asked,"Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did.How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously,"Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield.The car went out of control,crashing into five other cars and a fire truck.The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire,and the building burned down.So,what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit,tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2004 05:40 AM                        Rated G Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language." "I guess not," said Dave, "what the hell do they have to cuss about?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2004 03:31 PM                        Rated G Michele Danny said to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Yourheart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 09:28 AM                        Rated G Alex I was once in a foursome with my Minister.I'm afraid I forgot myself and let loose with some profanity after missing an easy shot. He said, "I've played golf with some of the finest men in our congregation. Last week,Mr. Nicholas went for six under par on this very course.I didn't hear one word of profanity from him." Still upset, I replied, "Well Pastor, what the hell did he have to cuss about?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 02:41 PM                        Rated G Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did. "I hit two of my best balls," he said. "Tell me about it," said his co-worker. "I stepped on a rake."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 02:44 PM                        Rated G On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds,"Well,I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.It teaches you loyalty,meekness,forbearance, self-restraint,forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2004 12:51 PM                        Rated PG Michele A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'" "OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2004 02:00 PM                        Rated G A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands,looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know. Five . . .six . . .put me down for a five."  |  IP: Logged Steven Privett Expert Film Handler Posts: 208 From: Pasadena, TX, USA Registered: Dec 2000 posted 05-20-2004 05:11 AM                    Rated R One morning a man is golfing when he meets a woman on the course. He finds her attractive, and he asks her if she’d like to play with him. So they play a round, and she wins by five strokes. Sensing the guy’s embarrassment, the woman offers to accompany him to the parking lot and give him a blow job in her car to make him feel better. For the rest of the week, they play together every morning. The woman wins by five or six strokes each time, then gives the guy a blow job in the parking lot. That weekend he invites her to his house for a romantic dinner. She arrives and blurts out, “I must confess something to you. I’m a transvestite. I’m really a man.” “You son of a bitch!” the guy replies. “You’ve been hitting off the women’s tee all week!”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2004 10:59 AM                        Rated G Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock! Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh my God!," exclaimed Harry, "what should we do?" "I'm not sure." said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2004 03:01 PM                        Rated G Michele O'Brien kept nudging Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only Jews could play golf there. He drove him crazy for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked, his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer. O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him to say that he made tallises (talleism=prayer shawls). Sure enough, they play 18 holes, go to the steam room and he's approached by one of the members. He said that he hadn't seen him at the club before and asked his name. He replied,"My name is Goldberg." "What do you do for a living, Mr. Goldberg?" He replies, "I'm a manufacturer." "What do you manufacture?" "I make tallises." "You know, I always wanted to know what the Hebrew letters around the neck of the tallis meant. Can you tell me?" O'Brien replied, "To tell the truth... I only make the sleeves."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 01:28 PM                        Rated G WORLD'S BEST GAME: Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed light on reasons why: 1. Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees. 2. Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week. 3. Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course. 4. Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people. 5. Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play. 6. Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments. 7. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal. 8. Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play. 9. When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two. 10. You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more. 11. You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. 12. In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (. 300 batting average) do. 13. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans. 14. Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week. 15. Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed. 16. Golf doesn't have free agency. 17. In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone." 18. You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament. 19. Ladies are welcome players. 20. At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you. 21. Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball. 22. Golf Courses don't ruin the neighborhood.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2004 08:45 AM                        Rated G Michele My daughter's boyfriend was going to teach her to play golf and figured that the best place to start was the driving range. Upon arrival my daughter sees a sign that says the golf balls rent by the bucket..large $4.50, medium $3.00 and small $1.50. She turned to her boyfriend and said "How can you tell the large balls from the small balls, they all look the same size to me".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2004 02:17 PM                        Rated G Two men are talking at work Monday morning. "What did you do this weekend?" "Dropped hooks into water." "Fishing, eh?" "No, golfing."  |  IP: Logged

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