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Author Topic: Golf Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2003 11:25 AM                        Rated X or G Depends on Your Point of View LAS CT TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T: 10.Damn, my shaft is bent. 9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 7. Look at the size of his putter. 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more. 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it. 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't: 1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 01:44 PM                        Rated G Michele Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. "I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon. "What for?" asked his colleague. "About $17,000." "What did he have?" "Oh... About $17,000."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 01:24 PM                        Rated G Michele A man enters the pro shop and, scanning like a HP Laser-Jet, looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks him what he wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," he replies. The pro looks all over the shop, through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers. Sure enough, he determines that there are no green golf balls. As the man walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?" "Well, obviously! Because they'd be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-07-2003 02:37 PM                        A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.” He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ...an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies,......"Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 08:02 AM                        Rated G Michele Life is like a game of golf: you drive hard to get to the green and then you end up in a hole.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 02:25 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Tiger Woods in Ireland On a golf tour in Ireland,, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is "Top of the morning to you yer sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends over to pick up the nozzle.As he does so,two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.   "What are those son?" asks the attendant.   "They're called tees" replies Tiger.   "Well,what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.   "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger. "Feckin Jaysus," says the Irish man, "BMW thinks of everything!!" [ 12-05-2003, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-14-2003 03:15 PM                        A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee," she said. "Where," he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2003 10:30 AM                        Rated PG Michele Golf 'quickies' *Look at the size of his putter. *Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent. *You really wacked the hell out of that sucker. *After 18 holes I can barely walk. *My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. *Lift your head and spread your legs. *You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. *Just turn your back and drop it. *Hold up. I've got to wash my balls. *Damn, I missed the hole again.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2003 09:28 AM                        Rated G Michele Felix,my husband,was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough.As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball,the chief warned him,"Be careful,the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes. "You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?" "Well," said the chief,"the first thing I ask is,'Is it on fire?'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2003 07:46 AM                        Rated G Michele A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually,there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement,formed a women's club and became very active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2004 11:43 AM                        Rated G Michele A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club,playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer,he plays poorly all day.Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.He looks at the caddy and says,"I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 09:01 AM                        Rated PG Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called to calm the row. "What's the trouble here?" he asked. One golfer replies with anger, "My partner has had a stroke, and these two jerks want to add it to my score."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 08:39 PM                        Rated G Love of Golf I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher than an tree; A tree o'er which my ball must fly if on the green it is to lie; A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard; A tree whose leafy arms extend to kill the six iron shot I send; A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear. Irons were made for fools like me who cannot ever miss a tree.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 09:12 AM                        Rated G B.B. A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back. Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies.When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 09:15 AM                        Rated G Michele Robinson Crusoe style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best of his tiny island.When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and sent a boat to investigate,the landing party was amazed to find a crude but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with driftwood woods,whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of pumice stone. "Quite a layout," said the officer in charge of the rescuers. "You're too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin clad golfer responded. Then he smiled slyly: "I am however, quite proud of the water hazard."  |  IP: Logged

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