Two Tennessee men were starting a round of golf together.On thefirst tee, the first guy smacked a beautiful drive down the center of the fairway.With a smile,he picked up the tee and walked to the cart.

The second guy cranked another good drive down the center of the fairway,Pleased,he hopped in the cart.

When they arrived to the golf balls,they noticed that they were 10 yds apart.

"That's mine up there" said the first guy pointing to the ball closer to the green.

"No way, I outdrove you easily" said the second guy. Before you know it, fists were flying. After a brief scuffle, the second guy stopped and said, "I know how we can solve this problem!"

"How?"

"We will get the clubhouse pro out here!"

Sure enough, they drove back to the clubhouse and got him, dragged him out to the fairway. Studying the situation for a few minutes the pro finally said, "I know to solve this!"

"How" said the first guy?

"Yeah, How" yelled the second.

Replied the pro, "Who's hittin' the yellow ball?"

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Shloyme Seltzer had become rich and wanted to show off,so he ordered his driver to drive him to the new exclusive golf club in his new Cadillac.

Unfortunately, a sign at the door unmistakably stated that Jews were not permitted access.

The driver wanted to return home, but not Shloyme!

Shloyme said, "Wait here for me."

His driver responded, "But don't you see the sign? They'll kick you out immediately!"

Shloyme said, "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish," and he walked toward the gate.

So the driver waited... one hour... two hours... three hours.

After three and a half hours, Shloyme was kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.

The driver asked, "What happened?"

A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees.

Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap. Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro.

"What club should I use on this shot?" asked the golfer.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

"Tom" sits in clubhouse bar thinking about cheating on his wife with a beautiful young secretary who has been working in his office.

Deep in thought about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed.

"Not worth it" he muttered "never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk."

"Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."

The other morning I woke up and found that I had grown to gigantic proportions. I was the same height as Big Ben and the Eiffel Tower. It was then that I made a crucial decision:

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," yells the first golfer.

"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'OH, CRAP!"

Sue loved the golf game but was not very good at it.

She was out on the links one day, playing with her husband Tim. As usual, every time she swung at the ball, she made the earth beneath it fly every which way! "My goodness, Tim," she said, blushing at her ineptitude, "I bet the worms think there's an earthquake going on."

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"when did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going
to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over
the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up
playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his
drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.

He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.

Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn.

"No way," he says. "I can't do that."

"Why not?" she asks.

"The last time I did that something terrible happened."

"What?" she asked.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

I CAN MAKE THIS PUTT

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick
45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding to 18 holes. Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping,I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away.It was in good condition,so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green,two golfers stared at me in awe.I had a machete in one hand,a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath over 100 yards long.

"There,"said one of the golfers,"is a guy who hates to lose his ball!

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