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Author Topic: Golf Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 11:35 AM                        Rated G The Furthest Thing form my Mind At breakfast the golfer's wife said,"Now just because the weather is pretty today,don't think you're going to sneak off and play golf all day." "Now, honey,"he said,"don't get upset.Golf is the furthest thing from my mind. Would you please pass the toast and putter?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2003 06:44 AM                        Rated PG A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay," and makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley." [ 07-02-2003, 06:50 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2003 10:36 AM                        Rated G For all you non-golfing ladies, a handy lil' tip. If your hubby comes home with pine needles in hishair,don't ask him about his golf game that day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 12:04 PM                        Rated G How Golf is like Urinating in a Public Restroom 10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 9. Form a loose grip. 8. Keep your head down. 7. Avoid a quick backswing. 6. Stay out of the water. 5. Try not to hit anybody. 4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you. 3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others. 2. Be quiet while others are about to go. 1. Keep strokes to a minimum.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 06:57 AM                        Sue Bee On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride,"I have a confession to make that I should have made before,but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship. "What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly. "I'm a golf fanatic,"he said."I think about golf constantly.I'll be out on the golf course every weekend,every holiday,and every chance I get.If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf,golf will always win." His new bride pondered this for a moment and said,"I thank you for your honesty.Now in the same spirit of honesty,I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about.The truth is,"I'm a hooker." "No problem,"said her husband,"just widen your stance a bit and overlap your grip,and that should clear it right up."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-07-2003 09:57 AM                        Rated G A fellow goes into a golf shop in Scotland and sees a number of unique head covers, the most unusual one being the head of a rat. He takes it to the shop owner and asks how much. "Well, laddie," the old gent replies, "The clubhead cover'll be $10 American, but for a thousand more you get to here the grand story behind it." "Here's the $10," the man replies. "I'll take the cover. You can keep the story." The next day, on the links of St. Andrews, the man is walking down the Road Hole. Suddenly, several rats scurry out of the sewers and start to follow him. He begins to run, but rats keep appearing from everywhere-from the sewers and from the fairway creek. He's almost exhausted and out of breath when he reaches the cliffs overlooking the sea. Intuitively, he rips the head cover from his driver and heaves it into the sea. The rats follow it into the water. Upon leaving the course, the man returns immediately to the little golf shop. The old Scotsman sees him and with a sly smile says, "Aye, laddie, and I'd be suspectin' that you came back for the story, eh?" "Well, actually," the man replies, "I was hoping you had a cover shaped like an attorney."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-19-2003 07:33 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Golf Balls Two men were playing golf together for the very first time. The first player teed off and hit the ball into a clump of trees. He finally got onto the fairway, only to hit the ball into a water hazard. The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a fence onto a busy street. The second player said, "Maybe you should use an old ball for this shot." The first player replied, "I don't have any old golf balls."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 12:21 PM                        Rated G Michele A recent retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game,he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.The pro showed him the stance and swing,then said,"Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green,where it stopped inches from the hole."Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said,once he was able to speak again. "Oh great!", the beginner replied, "NOW you tell me!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 12:44 PM                        Rated PG Michele The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball. The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole." The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke. The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in dahole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-01-2003 08:51 PM                        Rated G A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. "There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday". "Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-01-2003 08:53 PM                        Rated G A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. "Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 06:49 AM                        Rated G A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit. Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."! Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. Man: "Oh thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man:"Oh..thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 08:41 AM                        Rated PG A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt,the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults," says the man. "Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?" "Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-03-2003 08:45 AM                        Rated G Once a terrible golfer hit his ball onto an ant hill. He tried to hit it off, but kept missing the ball and killing ants. Finally,only two ants remained. One ant turned to the others and said, "If we want to stay alive, we'd better get on the ball."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-24-2003 09:28 AM                        Rated G A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."  |  IP: Logged

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