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Author Topic: Golf Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 10:49 AM                        Rated G The Gospel according to St. Titleist May thy ball lie in green pastures ~ and not in still waters. ~ Author Unknown The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~ Billy Graham Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~John Updike It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. ~ Robert Lynd If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. ~ Horace G. Hutchinson They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~ Gardner Dickinson If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. ~ Sam Snead Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~ William Wordsworth If you drink, don't drive ~ Don't even putt. ~ Dean Martin If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. ~ Tommy Bolt Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. ~ Author Unknown I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~ Bob Hope My handicap? Woods and irons. ~ Chris Codiroli The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. ~ Pete Dye I'm hitting the woods just great ~ but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~ Author Unknown If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~ Mark Twain Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~ Harry Vardon Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ Jimmy DeMaret The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~ George Deukmejian Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~ Author Unknown If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook! If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~ Author Unknown AMEN  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 10:54 AM                        Rated G A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated. "Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer. "No.... "It's my ball."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2005 01:05 PM                        Rated PG Uncle Bubba Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 01:34 PM                        Rated G A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2005 10:56 AM                        Rated PG Sully in CT Taking a break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner,unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya". As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman. "Well they're for resting my balls on when I drive,"replies Tiger. "Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-13-2005 12:26 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Ca. For the four executives,the highpoint of the annual stockholders meeting was their Sunday afternoon golf game. They had just teed off on the twelfeth hole when an assistant golf pro came tearing across the green, red-faced and out of breath. "Mr. Webster, Mr. Webster," he gasped, "I have terrible news. Your wife has just been killed in a car accident." Webster turned to his companions and said, "Guys I got to warn you. Six more holes and you're going to see a man crying his eyes out."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 06-23-2005 05:48 PM                        Rated PG... Towards the end of his golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!” Then POOF!......she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-23-2005 06:16 PM                        Rated G "On a recent survey, 80 per cent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2005 06:30 AM                        Rated G A Malaysian man looking for his golf ball just off the fairway was attacked by a crocodile, but managed to save himself by hammering at the creature repeatedly with his one iron. The incident has left golfers around the world stunned. For most, it's the first time they've heard of that particular club being used with any success.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2005 04:52 PM                        Rated G Quirk "Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun." ~~Jim Bishop~~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2005 10:36 AM                        Rated G Michele I've been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book". It contains some really good articles such as: * How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt * How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee * How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker * How to get more distance off the shank * Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk * Crying and how to handle it * How to rationalize a 7-hour round * How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water * Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th * How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed * How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2005 08:23 PM                        Rated G "Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind." "That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short putt."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-08-2005 08:32 AM                        Rated G Gerry "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore" shoot six and write down five."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 12:49 PM                        Rated PG Four men were out golfing and discussing how each convinced their wife to let them play golf every morning. 1st guy: I had to buy my wife a BMW to let me play golf daily. 2nd guy: You got off cheap! I had to buy my wife a BMW and a mink coat. 3rd guy: You both got off dirt cheap! I had to buy my wife the BMW, mink coat and a diamond necklace. 4th guy: Ha! I didn't have to buy my wife a single thing! Every morning when I wake up,I lean over in bed, nudge my wife and ask,"Intercourse or golf course?" She instantly replies,"Don't forget to take your sweater."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2005 02:50 PM                        Rated G Told to me by my wife, and to her by a colleague. Two men are talking at work Monday morning. "What did you do this weekend?" "Dropped hooks into water." "Fishing, eh?" "No, golfing."  |  IP: Logged

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