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Author Topic: Golf Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:05 AM                       RATED R A young executive was asked by his boss to take some out of town clients out for a round of golf. The man, being an avid golfer, was delighted! He played 18 holes with the clients. When they were done, he suggested another 18, but they declined, and instead headed for the bar. There they had a few beers and several laughs. The clients were very impressed with the treatment received, and promised to tell his boss. They were prepared to place a very large order, based in great part, on the tremendous day they had just had. Well the man was ecstatic! He really wanted to play another 18, but decided he needed to share this news with his wife. So he thanked them, said goodbye and rushed home to tell her. Surely this would lead to bigger and better things! When he got home, all was quiet. He walked down the hall, opened the bedroom door and to his surprise and amazement, he found his wife in bed with his boss! He left quickly, and went back to the course. He walked into the bar and sat down ordering a "stiff one, make it a double!" The bartender remembered him from earlier and said, "I thought you went home to tell your wife the good news?" The man replied, "Well, I went home, but I found my wife in bed with my boss! And seeing as they were in the early stages, I figured I could fit in at least another nine holes before they were done!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:06 AM                       Paddy had such a bad round of golf he went home and beat his wife to death. Feeling guilty, he called the police and said "I've just killed my wife". He gave the police his name and address and about a minute later a police car screeched up the driveway and two policeman got out. Police: "Are you the man who said he killed his wife?" Paddy: "Yes, that was me." Police: "Well, where's the body?" Paddy took the policeman into the kitchen where a woman lay motionless on the floor. The police took out his pen and folder and started to take notes. Police: "This is your wife?" Paddy: "Yes." Police: "And you killed her?" Paddy: "Yes." Police: "How did you kill her?" Paddy: "I beat her to death with my one iron." Police: "How many times did you actually hit her?" Paddy: "Seven - but put me down for five."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:07 AM                       This guy's wife constantly berated him to teach her to play golf. Finally one morning he relented, so off they went. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He makes a nice shot; the ball lands on the green, about 30 feet from the cup. The wife steps up next. SHe takes a mighty swing, hooks it, and the ball bounces off a rock, clips a tree, sideswipes another rock, rolls onto the green and into the cup! The husband turns to her and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:10 AM                       New Rules Of Golf Finally, the game of golf is beginning to make sense =========================================================================== These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena. 2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke. 4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two. 5. If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics). 6. A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments as, "You could blow it in"...may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:11 AM                       RATED PG What is the worst golfing foursome possible? Monica Lewinsky, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton... You have a hooker, a slicer, a guy who can't drive over water and another guy who can't remember the last hole he played.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:11 AM                       A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'" "Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:13 AM                       A golfer, who was known for his bad temper, walked into the Pro Shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time, more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back. But the next time he came in, he was all smiles! "They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "I've really had tremendous improvement! In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:14 AM                       A man enters the golf pro shop and looks all around, frowning. After watching him for a bit, the pro asks him what he wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the man replies. "Well, I don't think they make them, but I can check." The pro looks all over the shop, through all the catalogs, even calls all the ball manufacturers. Sure enough, no one makes green golf balls. As the man walks out the door, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?" "Because they'd be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:15 AM                       The old perfesser decided one summer he was gonna try his hand at golf. He got hisself some of them funny shoes (ching!), a pair of knickers and an argyle sweater (ching, ka-ching!), and to top it all off, a brand new set of clubs (ka-CHING!!!). Well, off he goes, to the local country club. Naturally, knowing that he can do anything he sets his mind to without the help of anybody else, he doesn't bother with lessons from the club pro, or tips from friends who've been at the game for awhile...nothing. So, round about the third hole (and the 64th swing), it was no surprise seeing the old perfesser pick up his whole new bag of clubs and heaving it right into the water hazard - where his ball had gone just moments before - and then storm off the course. A few minutes later, though, he came slinking back... he pulled up them knickers past his knees, and went wading in after the clubs. Everyone on the course was just chuckling and such, figgering he was gonna take them expensive new clubs home, clean them up and prob'ly try and get his money back.... However, they were quite shocked to see him retrieve his car keys from the pocket in the bag - then throw the clubs right back into the water.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:16 AM                       RATED PG A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss. "I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer. "That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'SHIT!'"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:17 AM                       Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:17 AM                       A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for a five a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:19 AM                       RATED PG A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past. Our golfer said, "Yes, she ran into the woods". The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through her chasing a naked lady. He said yes, they ran that way through the woods. The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?" The guy explained, "You see, we work at a sanitarium nearby. Every now and then that girl gets away and, all she wants to do is get naked and make love." The golfer then asked, "Well, what's the bucket of sand for???" The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her the last time!!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:19 AM                       Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely (passing some gas rather loudly in the process). No one commented. She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance. She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?" One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 02:20 AM                       The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll tell you why," scolded Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." "Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?" "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"  |  IP: Logged

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