How ugly is she?

...She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

...As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

...Even mosquitoes stay away from her.

...She startles the animals at the zoo.

...On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

...She makes onions cry.

..Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

...Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

...The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.

*************************************************

Q: What's the definition of a virgin lake? 

Single women complain that all good men are married, while married women complain about their lousy husbands....

I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

True To Life Facts About Women:

"Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman language than it does in man language.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

Women’s favorite toy is the word “no”

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.

You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"

Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?

The Modern Women

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the old widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?"

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except that now shes angry with you."

"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

Why Women Scream..

One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision.

He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.

So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man.

When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.

"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord.

"Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter.

"I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord."

"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The Lor

"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?" "How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

"Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter. "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Seventy five, my Lord," replied St. Peter. "Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there.

Do the same for woman," said the Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter. "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St. Peter.

"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we?

Do the same for woman," said The Lord. "Yes, my Lord," said St. Peter.

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk, "Ddddoo youuu hhhave ddddildos?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

Q: How do you get a woman to stop giving you oral sex?

This is one for the girls (sorry guys) 

Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them in.

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Why do men masturbate?I
t's sex with someone they love.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys TWO cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?T
hey all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is everynight?
A widow.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

How do you get a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating Adam?
I must be able to do better that that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.

How are men and parking lots alike?
Good ones are always taken, free ones are mostly handicapped or extremelysmall.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They are married.