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» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Women Only :) (Page 3)

 
This topic comprises 12 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  ...  10  11  12   
Author Topic: Women Only :)
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

- posted 08-20-2001 08:16 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Sent by a female lurker for posting.

A Woman Is Like A Teabag..You Never Know How strong She Is until She Gets Into Hot Water.
TO ALL THE COOL WOMEN I KNOW!!!!

God bless cool women,

They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up against injustice.
They don't take "No" for an answer, when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel, and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

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Rachel Gilardi
Madam Moderator

Posts: 2214
From: Peabody, MA, USA
Registered: Dec 2007

- posted 05-01-2002 04:03 AM      Profile for Rachel Gilardi   Email Rachel Gilardi   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The Knob:
A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", in which a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".

Fifteen years later, the same woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." "Well," she replied, "I guess that explains the goatee."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

- posted 05-03-2002 02:57 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home.

As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs.

When he looked closer, he realized that they were all stark naked.

He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn.

The director said, "Yes, and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home and they were having a yard sale."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

- posted 12-28-2002 08:49 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Ladies....it is okay to wait for the right man to come along but
in the meantime have some fun with the wrong ones. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

- posted 12-28-2002 08:53 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A short and very obese woman bought a new hat that had a flaming red flower on a six-inch stem...One of her friends finally mustered up enough courage to suggest that the hat was not becoming to her.

"Heavens, I know that," replied the woman cheerily,"but when I meet people on the street, I'd rather have them say, "Look at that funny hat,' than 'Look at that funny fat woman.'" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

- posted 12-28-2002 08:55 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG The Ladies at Lunch

Mary: Ex #3 had a gigantic ego!

Jill: What do you mean?

Mary: Well, when he dropped his pants for the first time, he said, "Pretty nice, huh?"

I said, "When was the last time you had your eyes examined?";D

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

- posted 12-28-2002 09:00 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration. [Big Grin]

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William Leland III
Master Film Handler

Posts: 336
From: Charleston, SC,
Registered: Aug 2002

- posted 12-30-2002 02:24 PM      Profile for William Leland III   Author's Homepage   Email William Leland III   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]
A young man is in a grocery store buying frozen pizza, toilet paper and milk. A young female cashier scans his items and looks at him and asks, " Are you single.?

The young man replies ," Yes, how did you know. Could you tell by what I was buying."

The cashier replies," No, because you're ugly."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

- posted 01-05-2003 05:01 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile]

Slogan's for Women

1.I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2.Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3.Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4.Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
5.I'm a multi-tasker : I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
6.Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
7.You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
8.Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
9.Guys have feelings too. But, like . . . who cares?
10.I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
11.Next mood swing : 6 minutes and counting.
12.I hate everybody, and you're next.
13.Please don't make me kill you.
14.And your point is . . .
15.I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
16.All stressed out and no one to choke.
17.I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
18.How can I miss you if you won't go away?
19.They aren't hot flashes, they're power surges!
20.Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time. [Big Grin]

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004

- posted 04-25-2005 04:04 PM      Profile for System Notices         Edit/Delete Post 

It has been 841 days since the last post.

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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999

- posted 04-25-2005 04:04 PM      Profile for Gordon Bachlund   Author's Homepage   Email Gordon Bachlund   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona on Valentine's Day when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade".

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

- posted 05-04-2005 10:14 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed .. so we're just waiting." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

- posted 05-23-2005 10:51 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] The Ladies At Lunch

Mary: My ex was not in touch with reality.

Jill: Really? How do you mean?

Mary: Oh, he'd come into the kitchen in the morning and say, "Good morning, Honey! I'd like fried eggs, toast, bacon, juice, and coffee this morning."

Jill: How is that not reality?

Mary: I'd hand him a bowl and a box of cereal and say, "How stupid ARE you?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

- posted 05-23-2005 10:59 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

Jill and Nadine hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Jill confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Nadine, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.

"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said 'will you marry me'?" Jill asked.

Nadine replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

- posted 06-22-2005 03:51 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"We have to teach this girl right from wrong."

"Okay. You teach her right." [Big Grin]

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