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Author Topic: Women Only :) Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2006 09:05 AM                        Rated G Two women were talking at a party, and one said, “Look at that awful-looking man over there… isn’t he hideous? I think he must be the most unattractive man I’ve ever seen in my life!” “That happens to be my husband!” said the second icily. “Oh dear,” said the first, covered in confusion, “I’m so sorry.” To which the unfortunate wife replied, “You’re sorry…?”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 07:55 AM                        Rated G B.B. Humor Just for Women What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..." What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage. Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2006 06:55 AM                        Rated G Ken Within two years women will be able to get breast enhancement done in their lunch hour. You get turned down for a raise in the morning. In the afternoon you can go in and try again.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2006 06:56 AM                        Rated G Elaine Women in the workplace, we still have big strides. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee. She stormed right out of that Starbucks.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2006 07:00 AM                        Rated G Diana I'm starting to gain a little weight because you live with a man, you gain weight. You know why? You starved your whole life to get one; you got one, you're going to eat now.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2006 07:14 AM                        Rated G Diana I think women should date younger men. Thirty-five, forty-year-old women are peaking when eighteen-year-old boys are peaking, and that's who we should be peaking and poking.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 08:37 AM                        Rated G A woman in my diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be so disappointed. Everyone commiserated, then someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2006 10:31 AM                        Rated G Diana Woman to co-worker: "When you've dated as many clowns as I have, laugh lines are inevitable."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2006 10:44 AM                        Rated PG Ken Do we know much about women? Do we? We don't. We know when they're happy; we know when they're crying; we know when they're pissed off. We just don't know what order those are going to come at us.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2006 01:09 PM                        Rated G Sally Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2006 01:12 PM                        Rated G Michelle If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a pretty blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q: What is the difference between men and women:.... A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg ? A. They don't stop for directions. Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving HER money, furs and diamonds. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2006 01:14 PM                        Rated PG Georgina Men Are Like.... Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 07:05 AM                        Rated G Diana If the right man does not come along, there are many fates far worse. One is to have the wrong man come along.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 08:33 AM                        Rated G Elaine A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain, and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 08:52 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Two women met at a laundromat. As they talked, the first woman said, "I have five children." The other woman said, "That sounds nice. I wish I had five children." "Don't you have any children?" asked the first woman. "Yeah, ten!" said the second."  |  IP: Logged

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