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Author Topic: Women Only :) Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-27-2007 10:51 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women Pregnancy Q & A & more! [/b] Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A! : Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-". 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space". 8. Your not as nice as you used to be and you used to be a witch 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10 Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your hair to make it grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2007 06:28 PM                        Rated G Diana Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is reading this, go right this minute, put on a bikini, and don't take it off until you're thirty-four.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2007 10:49 PM                        Rated G the little woman While trying on clothing in a department store dressing room, I could hear the conversation between two ladies in the next cubicle. "You know," said one, "I thought my looks were improving with age, then I realized my eyesight is deteriorating."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2007 10:50 PM                        Rated G the little woman As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses. "I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first. Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad." The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-16-2008 04:23 PM                       Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-16-2008 04:24 PM                       Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-16-2008 04:24 PM                       Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-16-2008 04:24 PM                       Q. How do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-16-2008 04:25 PM                       Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A. Make him wear shoes.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-16-2008 04:25 PM                       Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-16-2008 04:25 PM                       Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-16-2008 04:26 PM                       Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-16-2008 04:26 PM                       Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? A. Any place without a drive-up window.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-16-2008 04:26 PM                       Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-16-2008 04:26 PM                       Rated R Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis? A. His body.  |  IP: Logged

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