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Author Topic: Women Only :) Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 12:32 PM                        Rated G When you want a man to pay attention to you, wear a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it. Sure it's uncomfortable. But it makes you look just like his remote control.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2006 10:51 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I had been on a business trip with four other women, one of them my boss. Because we had been gone for seven days, we decided to take a couple of days off to be with our families. When we returned to work, my boss asked if my baby had missed me. "Oh, yes," I replied, "although the more often I go away, it seems the more independent my family becomes. They don't seem to need me so much." After a moment's pause, my boss looked up with a wry smile. "So," she asked, "how many more times do you think it's going to take?" [ 03-12-2006, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2006 09:09 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend." Marcel Achard  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 04:18 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase." Erma Bombeck  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2006 01:49 PM                        Rated G Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home! Exercise 1: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn’t effective enough. Exercise 2: Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast. Exercise 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!! CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 09:03 AM                        Rated G Caroline My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday present. This guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you thinking, babe?" I'm thinking I've been married too long, because I said ... "You're going to pick up after yourself, aren't you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 05:35 PM                        Rated G A DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of pea nut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-05-2006 08:26 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Sue: I'm on a new diet and exercise program. Every morning after breakfast I go horseback riding. Amy: Is it working? Sue: So far the horse has lost ten pounds.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-05-2006 08:50 AM                        Rated G Ken Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-05-2006 12:50 PM                        Rated G Betsy You have to have the kind of body that doesn't need a girdle in order to get to pose in one.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-28-2006 08:13 AM                        Rated G This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes. As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why... A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask," what are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage,why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig,just to get a little sausage.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-06-2006 01:14 PM                        Rated PG Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary,spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she deceided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday. "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "Your lying on the dining room skylight."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2006 12:31 PM                        Rated R 13 Things PMS Stands For: 1. Pass my shotgun 2. Psyhotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Mood Swing 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My sweat Pants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrom 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff and my favorite..... 13. Potential Murder Suspect.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2006 04:36 PM                        Rated G "A woman in India claims that she has lived to be 120 years old by drinking wine and smoking pot every day. No one had the heart to tell the stoned woman that she's only 35." --Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2006 11:26 AM                        Rated G B.B. As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses. "I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first. Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad." The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."  |  IP: Logged

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