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This topic comprises 10 pages: 1 2 3 ... 7 8 9 10
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Author
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Topic: State Jokes
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-27-2007 09:45 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
"Yesterday, they had the first recall debate. There are no winners and losers in this debate. Just losers. ... They wanted to have an empty chair out there to represent Arnold, since he didn't show up. But then they got worried, 'What if the empty chair wins?'" —Jay Leno
"In order to comply with this equal time rule, TV stations in California cannot run any of Arnold's movies between now and the election because it would be like giving him free publicity. And because it would be free publicity for Gray Davis, they cannot show the movie 'Dean Man Walking.'" —Jay Leno
"A little bit of a scandal for Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante. It seems he has accepted $2 million from one Indian tribe, on top of $800,000 he has already accepted from two other bribes. Oh wait, did I say bribes, I meant tribes." —Jay Leno
"The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie." —David Letterman
"A number of candidates are complaining that Arnold's getting so much of the spotlight that it's drowning out their message. In fact Arianna Huffington said that she hasn't been this ignored since her honeymoon." —Jay Leno
"Arianna Huffington launched her campaign for governor by criticizing the fat cats who do not pay their fair share of taxes. Well, she paid no state income tax in the past two years, and only paid $771 in federal taxes, even though she's a millionaire. Apparently 'hypocrite' is not the only Greek word that begins with 'H.'" —Jay Leno
"You all know who Mary Carey is? She's the porn star who's running for governor, and she has this Web site where she does naked jumping jacks. You know, I think I speak to most guys when I say, 'Yeah, that's all well and good, but where does she stand on the issues?' ... Actually, Carey said today she's offered to debate six guys, all at the same time." —Jay Leno
"I'll tell you where this recall is really causing problems — over at 'Hollywood Squares.' There are so many B and C-level celebrities running for governor, they had to shut down production." —Jay Leno
"An NBC News poll has found that if the election were held today, 31% of California voters would vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger and 26% were not sure. Today Gray Davis announced he is changing his name to 'Not Sure.'" —Jay Leno
"Elections officials here in California are concerned that having 247 candidates would require a ballot so long it would be difficult to count. Today in Florida they said, 'What? You count the ballots?'" —Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger has hired billionaire Warren Buffett as his senior economic advisor. And not to be outdone Gary Coleman announced his senior economic adviser will be Thurston Howell the Third." —Conan O'Brien
"Have you heard of this porn star named Mary Carey who is running for governor? Carey is running on a platform of taxing breast implants, which, of course, are California's largest natural resource." —Jay Leno
"One of the candidates running for governor is a 100-year-old woman. Yeah, the 100-year-old says she'd like to recall Governor Gray Davis, but more importantly, she'd like to recall where she left her teeth." —Conan O'Brien
"Here in California, one candidate for governor is a 100-year-old woman. She's going door-to-door and asking one simple question — 'Do I live here?'" —Craig Kilborn
"As if this whole thing isn't confusing enough, election officials announced this week that the alphabet on the ballot will begin with the letter R, then W, then Q. You know, even Sesame Street is laughing at California now." —Jay Leno
"Today the Secretary of State said that of the 247 candidates, so far 115 of them have been certified. How embarrassing is that? Imagine if you were turned down because you didn't meet the high standards set by Larry Flynt and Gallagher." —Jay Leno
"As of today, Arnold Schwarzenegger has filed to run for governor, Gary Coleman has filed, Gallagher has filed, Larry Flynt, Angelyne — I don't know if it's an election or a bad episode of 'Hollywood Squares.'" —Jay Leno
"California has gone insane. According to the latest poll, Arnold Schwarzenegger is leading in California's governor's race by 34 points. You can tell that Governor Gray Davis is worried because he spent all day yesterday working on his pecs." —Conan O'Brien
"Larry Flynt, the founder of Hustler, he's running for governor. You know what his campaign slogan is? 'A smut peddler who cares.' Today Bill Clinton said, 'Hey, that was my slogan.'" —Jay Leno
"I love all these politicians, they all say the same thing — 'We'll give California back to the people.' Yeah, great, now that it's not worth anything, they want to give it back to us." —Jay Leno
"All nine Democratic presidential candidates have come out in support of Gray Davis. Today in Disneyland, all seven dwarves came out for Gary Coleman." —Jay Leno
"More problems today for Governor Gray Davis. It seems the California Highway Patrol caught Davis' motorcade going 94 miles per hour in a 55. They thought he was trying to make a run for the border." —Jay Leno
"Gallagher the Comedian began campaigning over the weekend. It didn't go well. I guess he kissed three babies and hit four people over the head with that Sledge-o-matic thing." —Jay Leno
"Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and adult film star Mary Carey, they're also running. See you know what bothers me about the two of them? See, this could split the all-important porn vote." —Jay Leno
"On the Democratic side, our Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante is also running. Have you ever heard of him before? Doesn't that sound like some sickness you get on one of those carnival cruises? Hey pass me the Pepto Bustamante." —Jay Leno
"It looks like it's going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Gray Davis. You got a robot from the future or a robot with no future." —Jay Leno
"Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can't get elected because he's just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn't know anything about running the government. Didn't hurt George Bush." —Jay Leno
"Experts say with all the media attention centered on the governor's race, it threatens to turn the Kobe Bryant trial into a dignified proceeding." —Craig Kilborn
"Ladies and gentleman, California has gone insane. Gary Coleman has announced that he's running for governor of California. Unfortunately for Coleman, California has a sign that says, 'You must be this tall to run for governor.'" —Conan O'Brien
"You know what's really disappointing? The negative campaigning has started already. There's whispers about steroid use, lying, womanizing — and that's just for Gary Coleman. ... Former child star Gary Coleman has announced his candidacy. His slogan is not good — 'Whatcha talkin' about California?' ... I guess Gary Coleman was campaigning today down at the Glendale Galleria. No, I'm sorry, he's still working there as a security guard." —Jay Leno
"Basically what's happening here in California is Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for governor against Gary Coleman. ... Arnold is promising to 'clean house' in Sacramento and Gary Coleman's last job was cleaning house in Sacramento." —Bill Maher
"Arianna Huffington's former husband Michael — he's the gay ex-congressman — he has endorsed Arnold. So this is the second time he's left Arianna for another man." —Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country." —Conan O'Brien
"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language." —Conan O'Brien
"Well, Governor Gray Davis has a plan now to grab back the spotlight. That plan involves a young girl, a hotel room, and a big diamond ring." —Craig Kilborn
"Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning for Davis, Bill is out here for Larry Flynt." —Jay Leno
"Here's how bad California looks to the rest of the country. People in Florida are laughing at us." —Jay Leno
"Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flint is also running for governor. I don't know, on election day, do you really want supporters of Larry Flint going into a curtained booth by themselves?" —Jay Leno
"You know who should run for governor of California? Mike Tyson. He's built like Schwarzenegger, he spends like Davis, and he sounds like Barbara Boxer." —Jay Leno
"Governor Gray Davis has asked the California state Supreme Court to delay the October recall vote because he says that's not enough time to put on a fair election. Hey, let me tell you something. If we didn't need a fair election to pick the president of the United States, we don't need a fair election to pick the governor of California." —Jay Leno
"When we finally have this recall election in October, there could be as many as 200 people on the ballot. And you know what's really scary? Most of them don't know the first thing about driving a state into bankruptcy. They're not experts like Governor Gray Davis." —Jay Leno
"Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal — change our state bird to the spread eagle." —Craig Kilborn
"Larry Flynt has filed the necessary papers to run for the recall election we're having here in California. Larry said he decided to run when the election seemed just like one of his magazines, Barely Legal." —Bill Maher
"You know who else has entered the governor's race? Hustler publisher Larry Flint. Well that's a smile to critics who claim this recall is nothing but a big circus. Larry Flint as governor. Suddenly Senator Jerry Springer doesn't sound so bad." —Jay Leno
"Why would Larry Flint want to leave the porno industry and get into something sleazy like politics?" —Jay Leno
"Attorneys for California Governor Gray Davis have filed a lawsuit to delay an October recall election. One attorney of Davis said she thought it was both unfair and unconstitutional, which is lawyer-talk for, 'Pfff, our guy's screwed.'" —Jay Leno
"Governor Davis has asked the California Supreme Court to put his name on the ballot with the other candidates seeking to replace him. He wants to be on the ballot. How stupid is that? 'I seek to replace me with me. I wish to replace myself.' To which Saddam Hussein said, 'You can do that?'" —Jay Leno
"As you may have heard, former President Bill Clinton says he's coming here to California to help Governor Gray Davis in his recall election campaign. Which is ironic, isn't it? When Clinton was president, he couldn't recall anything." —Jay Leno
"You know, something like 90 people who have now filed to run for governor in this recall election. They say there could be as many as 200 people on the ballot. You know, it's really easy to run here in California. All you need is like a couple of signatures, not many, thirty-five hundred bucks, you're on the ballot, like that. I mean, what does it say about California? We have stricter requirements to get on 'American Idol' than we do to run for governor." —Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger has still not officially bowed out of this race. It looks like he's not gonna run. But I'll tell ya, if Arnold does run, he better get on the ballot, because you don't want a write-in with a name like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because people will go — 'Schwarz, schwarz, oh Davis is easier.'" —Jay Leno
"Gray Davis said this recall has gotten his juices flowing again. That was his exact quote. It was reported today that former President Bill Clinton is going to come to California to help Davis in his recall election campaign. And believe me, if anyone can show Davis how to keep those juices flowing, it is Bill Clinton." —Jay Leno
"There was also talk of bringing Al Gore to California to help out, but there was concern that Gray Davis and Al Gore in the same state would cause some kind of rolling personality blackout." —Jay Leno
"I don't want to say Gray Davis is on the run, but today he released an audiotape on the Al Jazeera network from his underground bunker somewhere in the Sacramento area." —Jay Leno
"You know what the reward is to capture Saddam. You don't even need to capture Saddam, just say where he is. It's $25 million. This is what I love about our priorities. We spend $25 million trying to get rid of Saddam Hussein. The Republicans spend $50 million trying to get rid of Gray Davis. It doesn't seem quite right." —Jay Leno
"California Governor Gray Davis visited an elementary school here in Los Angeles where he taught a class. I don't want to say he was unpopular but the kids gave him a wedgie and stuffed him in a locker." —Jay Leno
"I went to see the Terminator movie the other night. Every time Arnold Schwarzenegger came on the screen this guy in front of me went 'Booo! Booo!' and was throwing stuff. I had to say 'Governor Davis just shut up and sit down!'" —Jay Leno
"As I'm sure you know, Gray Davis is the first governor is California history to face a recall election. In fact, when Davis got the news about the recall, he was surrounded by his loved ones: fifty electric company executives." —Jay Leno
"(Gray) Davis said yesterday that he is going to fight like a Bengal tiger, which I believe is also an endangered species." —Jay Leno
"California's economy is declining so rapidly that candidates are asking 'Are you better off now then you were four minutes ago?'" —Craig Kilborn
"There's all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, you know where he is now? Visiting Mexico, which I think means that he is definitely going to run for governor. Arnold is smart. He's in Mexico campaigning with the very people who'll be living here by election time." —Jay Leno
"Republican Congressman Darrell Issa funded the recall campaign with money he made selling car alarms. So this isn't the first time annoying millions of people for him." —Craig Kilborn
"Another hot day in California. It was so hot I actually saw a mirage. It was a Gray Davis supporter, I couldn't believe it." —Jay Leno
"President Bush has promised to rebuild Iraq after he's done destroying the country. Now if we could get Governor Gray Davis to promise to rebuild California after he's done destroying it." —Jay Leno
"Things not looking good here in California. Unemployment: 9-year high at 6.4 percent. In fact, the way this recall thing is going, unemployment's gonna get a little higher real soon. Well, proponents of this election to recall governor Gray Davis claim they have 988,000 signatures. I didn't realize that so many Californians spoke English" —Jay Leno
"According to today's Los Angeles Times, Gray Davis now gets negative job ratings from white people, black people, Latinos, Republicans, Independents and even Democrats. Say what you want about the guy but he's a uniter!" —Jay Leno
"The leader of Iran has offered to resign because so many citizens are angry with his government. He told the people, 'If you don't want me, then I will just go.' Today Governor Gray Davis said 'Hey, Shut up! Quit saying that!'" —Jay Leno
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This topic comprises 10 pages: 1 2 3 ... 7 8 9 10
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