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This topic comprises 10 pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 8 9 10
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Author
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Topic: State Jokes
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-15-2003 07:36 AM
Rated ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Crosses State Lines
That is the law
If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.
A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.
In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.
In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
In Ames, Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.
A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.
In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.
A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds, two ounces.
Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. ![[beer]](graemlins/beer.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-15-2003 09:10 AM
Rated G Los Angeles California
... GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name: ____________________
Stage name: __________________________
Agent's Name: __________________________
Attorney's Name: _______________________
Actual Age: _____ Admitted Age: _____
Sex: [ ] male [ ] female
[ ] formerly male [ ] formerly female
[ ] both [ ] neither
If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Film-maker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ___________________________
Please list brand of cell phone: ________________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skin-head
Men: Please list shade of hair plugs ________________
Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance:
[ ] Yes [ ] No
If Yes, please explain:
Please check activities you perform while driving (Check all that apply):
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Reading a book or other Newspaper
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, _____
b) and how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ___.
If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime;
b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your TV;
c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) [ ] Call your therapist;
e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only).
Please indicate if you drive:
a) [ ] a BMW,
b) [ ] a Lexus,
c) [ ] a Mercedes,
d) [ ] a Cabriolet.
If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license.
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) [ ] stop your car
b) [ ] keep driving and hope for the best,
c) [ ] immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) [ ] pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel?
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) [ ] never drive over 5 MPH,
b) [ ] drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) [ ] you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
(Check all that apply.)
a) [ ] Prozac;
b) [ ] Zovirax;
c) [ ] Lithium;
d) [ ] Zanax.
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) [ ] 1 hour;
b) [ ] 2 hours;
c) [ ] 3 hours;
d) [ ] 4 hours or more.
If under 1 hour, please explain:
When stopped by police, should you
a) [ ] pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form
ready,
b) [ ] try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) [ ] have video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit? ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-15-2003 02:11 PM
Rated G State Laws Massachusetts
At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.
Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.
No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
Tattooing and body piercing is illegal. (Repealed)
Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
Quakers and witches are banned.
Bullets may not be used as currency.
Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.
Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
Public boxing matches are outlawed.
Shooting ranges may not set up targets that resemble human beings.
Boston
It is illegal to play the fiddle.
Two people may not kiss in front of a church.
No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.
No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears.
Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays.
It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.
An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday.
Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.
Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common.
No one may take a bath without a prescription.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs.
Burlington
You may not walk around with a "drink".
Cambridge[/v]
It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday.
[b]Hingham
You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible.
If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society.
Hopkinton
Though horses and cows are allowed on the common,dogs are prohibited.
Longmeadow
It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.
It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun.
Silly string is illegal in the city limits.
One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than two dogs.
Milford
Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
Nahant
Sleds may not be coasted down streets.
It is illegal to excavate any city street.
Newton
All families must be given a hog from the town's mayor.
North Andover
An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns.
Woburn
In bars, it is actually illegal to "walk around" with a beer in your hand. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-27-2003 07:42 AM
Rated G :)Tex Mostly + Bob (1 paragraph) can you find it?
God Bless Texas
The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter
Texas:
Know them and learn them.
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a
pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of
the way.
3. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell
like to you. They smell like money to us. Don't like it? I-20 and
I-10 go east and west; I-35 and I-45 go north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed.
We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive 3
weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being
friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. We all started hunting and fishing when we were 9 years old.
Yeah, we saw "Bambi", too. We got over it.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in,we will shoot it out of your hand.You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah,we eat catfish and crawdads.You really want sushi and
caviar?It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.It's a
religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of
November.
10. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped by our women.
11. We open doors for women.That applies to everyone regardless
of age.
12. No,there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.Order steak.
Order it rare.Or,you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off
the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
13. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables,and breads. We use three spices :salt,pepper,and
Tabasco sauce.
14. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown,wet, served over ice and plenty of it!You bring "Hooch" into my house,it better have 4 legs,a tail,and have a nose for quail, dove,duck,veal,or pheasant.You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute,know how to shoot,drive a truck,and have long hair.
15. Yeah,we have sweet tea.It comes in a glass with 2 packets of
sugar,some lemon,and a long spoon.
16. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and
the Knicks,and a dang site more fun to watch.
17. Yeah,we have golf courses.Don't hit in the water hazards?
it spooks the fish.
18. Colleges? Try UT,Texas Tech,or Texas A&M.They come outta
there with an education and a love for God and Country, and they
still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the
holidays.
19. We have more Navy,Army,Marines,and Air Force than any
other state.So,"Don't Mess With Texas".If you do, you will get
your butt kicked by the best!
20. Our military is only used as a back up.Per capita, each man,
woman,and child own at least 2 firearms and has taken a NRA
Certified Shooter Education Course.
21. Mr.Chuck Norris is an has been granted "Honorary Citizenship for his worderful portrayal of "Ranger Cordell Walker" on the hit TV Show Texas Ranger. Everyone who lives in Texas, loves Mr. Norris, and will not permit his name to be taken in vain. Get use to it!
22. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said,"Texas
can make it without the United States,but the United States
can't make it without Texas."
God Bless Texas and the people of paragraph 21
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-28-2003 01:06 PM
Rated R ...pianolady..... OKLAHOMA
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Oklahoma isplanning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Oklahoma Style".
The contestants will start in Tahlequah, travel to Tulsa, going west on 51 thru Hulbert, proceed to Coweta, get on the Broken Arrow by-pass exit on memorial, go south thru Bixby continue south on hwy 64 thru Lenord and big bear country then continue thru Haskell to hwy 16 on into Muskogee taking hwy 62 back into Tahlequah again and park in front of Neds place.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads I am gay, I am a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait sucks, Hillary in 2004, protect our fish and deer, and I am here to confiscate your guns".
The first one to make it back to Tahlequah alive wins.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-29-2003 01:27 PM
Rated G Texas & Nevada or Brad & Dennis
A www.film-tech.com joke
You got a...
A man named Brad from Texas in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates (Dennis} at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?"
The light turns and Brad in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the Dennis the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
Brad in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you.
What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And Brad in the Volkswagen says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-31-2003 03:56 PM
Rated G Received from: Tex
Subj: Texas Women
Texas women know bad manners when they see them:
~~~~~~Not sending thank you notes.
~~~~~~Velvet after February.
~~~~~~White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.
Texas women appreciate their natural assets:
~~~~~~Clean skin.
~~~~~~A winning smile.
~~~~~~That unforgettable, Texas twang.
Texas women know their manners:
~~~~~~ "Yes, ma'am."
~~~~~~ "Yes, sir."
~~~~~~ "No, thank-you"
Texas women have a distinct way with fond
expressions:
------------"Y'all come back!"
------------"Well, bless your heart.."
------------"Drop by when you can."
------------"Love your hair."
Texas women know their summer weather
report:
------------Hot
------------Hotter
------------Hotter than Hades
Texas women know their three R's:
$$$$$$$ Rich
$$$$$$$ Richer
$$$$$$$ Richest
Texas women know their vacation spots:
++++++Colorado
++++++Las Vegas
++++++any place that has a/c
Texas women know the joys of June, July,
and August:
======Summer tans
======Wide brimmed hats
======Adorable sandals
Texas women know everybody's first name:
*********Honey
*********Darlin'
*********Sugah
Texas women know the movies that speak to
their hearts:
-----------Fried Green Tomatoes
-----------Driving Miss Daisy
-----------Steel Magnolias
Texas women know their country breakfasts:
~~~~~~Fried eggs
~~~~~~Country ham
~~~~~~Mouth-watering homemade biscuits
Texas women know their p's & q's
----------"P"ecan pie (pronounced "puh con"
not pee-can)
----------"P"ralines
----------"P"unch to "Quench" the thirst
Texas women know their cities dripping with
Texas charm:
--------- Dallas
--------- Austin
--------- San Antone (That's San Antonio for
out-of-stater's)
Texas women know their elegant gentlemen:
---------Men in Wranglers.
---------Men in uniform.
---------Men in tuxedos.
Texas girls know their prime real estate:
++++The Mall
++++The Beauty Salon
++++The Country Club
Texas girls know the three deadly sins:
~~~~Bad hair
~~~~Bad manners
~~~~Bad Dancers
Now you run along,Sugah,and send this to some other girls who were raised in Texas or wish they had been.If you're a male,you hug that Texas woman of yours and say "I'm a lucky man" 3 times out loud.If you're a transplant,FAKE it....we know you got here as fast as you could.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-08-2003 08:24 PM
Rated G Lorraine - Kansas
Out in Kansas,tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation,and
without warning.
In one case,a house was completely whisked away,leaving only the foundation and first floor.
A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed,in a bathtub,
the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.
The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt.She was just sitting there in the tub,talking to herself.
"It was the most amazing thing ... it was the most amazing thing."
she kept repeating dazedly.
"What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?"asked one of the
rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly drain away."
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