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Author Topic: State Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 02:56 PM                        Rated G Texas CW Down Home Texas Talk Aholt: get in touch with; as in "I'll get aholt of him" Bob Warr Fants: something to keep cattle in the pasture Born: a building on a rayanch Brayud: something you make a sangweech with Camer: a thang you take pitchers with Hay Und: something that holds your five fingers Hayud: where you keep your brains Lektrit Fayun: something you plug in to make breezes blow Mals: measure of distance Maon: like "Ah don't need a ride, ah has maon cawur" Merkan Cissen: one born in the USA Pay Un: a thang used to cook in Punchard Tar: something that goes flat when you don't have a spare Ranch: something to take a nut off a bolt with Rat Cheer: in this very place Rat Naow: immediately if not sooner Rinch: when you soak your clothes in clear water Sangweech: something made with two pieces of brayud Tal: a thang you dries dishes with after they have been rinched Tarred: plum tuckered out Warr Plars: something you cut a fants with Whan: like "Whan yuh comin tuh see me?" Whurr: like "whurr's muh hayut?" Woosh: like "Ah woosh you would be muh sweethort,Mary Lou"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-20-2004 10:41 AM                        Rated G Texas During a visit with friends, conversation turned to what each one of us would do if he or she became instantly wealthy. As we rattled off desires for lavish homes and fancy cars, Tom a gentle Texan sat quietly pondering. Then he delighted us all by saying simply, "Reckon I'd hire someone to break in my new blue jeans."  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 07-20-2004 03:34 PM                        Rated G Nevada The US Mint is soliciting suggestions for the design and slogan for the new Nevada quarter scheduled to roll out next year. So far the top candidate for the slogan is "If found, deposit in nearest slot machine."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2004 08:47 AM                        Rated G Michele It's Not English; It's Texish The engine's runnin', but ain't nobody drivin'. [not too smart] Tighter than the bark on a tree. [stingy] We've howdied, but we ain't shook yet. [We've met, but we haven't been formally introduced.] She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth. [She's a talker] This ain't my first rodeo. [I've been around]. Slide off and cool your saddle. [rest] It's as hot as the underside of a saddle blanket after a hard ride. [hot!] He's as shy of truth as a goat is of feathers. [he lies] Sounds like he must've gotten sour milk from his mother. [he's a malcontent]  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 10-14-2004 12:39 PM                        Rated G from Dave New Invention A scientist from the University of Wyoming has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After the news conference in Cheyenne announcing his new invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 10:15 AM                        Rated G Michele - New Jersey Here's some news from the New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection. They are now letting people take human remains, mix them in cement and drop them in the ocean to help make more reefs. Didn't that use to be called 'the mafia'?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2005 10:52 AM                        Rated G Lulu - Florida A Florida court ruled that exotic dancers must cover one-third of their buttocks. Now, if only they could pass the same law for the plumbers, we'd be in great shape.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2005 03:55 PM                        Rated PG Texas, New York, Illinois Back in the early fifties, Pioneer Airlines was a predecessor of Texas International. This joke revolves around that airline's slogan: Three young ladies of distinction were graduating from Southern Methodist University in Dallas. They were very good friends, all three were getting married soon to men in different cities, and they worried about losing contact with each other. Thus, each made a promise to write to the others after settling in with her new husband in her new location, and promised to include a PS with the name of a product whose slogan described her husband. The first young lady married a guy from Chicago, and subsequently wrote the others, saying Chicago was okay, married life was what she expected, and "PS: Chesterfield Kings". Well, the other two received the letters and chuckled at the PS, because each knew that the slogan of Chesterfield Kings was "They Satisfy". The second young lady married a guy from New York, and subsequently wrote the others, saying New York was better than she expected, married life was good, and "PS: Maxwell Coffee". This brought a genuine laugh from the other two, who knew the slogan of that product was "Good To The Last Drop". The third yound lady married a guy from Houston, and subsequently wrote the others, saying Houston was great. She then spent the next four pages raving about her magnificent husband, describing him in the most glowing terms, and ended her letter with "PS: Pioneer Airlines". The first friend to get the letter could not remember Pioneer's slogan, and called the other friend, who also was stumped. The first friend then decided to call the Pioneer Airlines reservation desk in Dallas to relieve her curiosity. When the reservation agent answered the phone in Dallas, she immediately recited the slogan of Pioneer Airlines (which, coincidently, was plastered on billboards all over Texas): "Pioneer Airlines -- In and Out Every Hour, On The Hour, 24 Hours a Day -- Longest Route in Texas!!!".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 12:02 PM                        Rated G California "A group of people here in California are fighting for the right for women to be able to sunbathe topless in California. The name of this group... guys." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2005 11:18 AM                        Rated G You Might Live In Minnesota If... If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through l8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota. If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each Year, because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota. If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too Spendy", you might live in Minnesota. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Minnesota. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Minnesota. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota. If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Edina, Shakopee ,Winton and Ely, you might live in Minnesota. If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Minnesota. "Vacation" means going up north past Virginia (Minnesota) for the weekend. You measure distance in hours. You know several people who have hit deer more than once, you might live in Minnesota. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you might live in Minnesota. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Minnesota. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events, they might live in Minnesota. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Minnesota. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison, you might live in Minnesota. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Minnesota. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at any given grocery store at any given time, you might live in Minnesota. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might be from Minnesota. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might be from Minnesota. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Minnesota. You can identify a southern or eastern accent, you might be from Minnesota. You consider Minneapolis exotic, you might live in Minnesota. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your Blue spruce, you might be from Minnesota. Down South to you means Iowa, you might live in Minnesota. A brat is something you eat, you might live in Minnesota. You go out to fish fry every Friday, you might live in Minnesota. You find 0 degrees a little chilly, you might live in Minnesota. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends because you do live in Minnesota.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2005 12:26 PM                        Rted G New Jersey New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! Dumb New Jersey Laws You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only. [Reader Comments on this Law.] On a highway you can not park under a bridge. It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates. Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday. You may not slurp your soup. Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street. It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon. Bernards Township It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone". Caldwell You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue. Cranford Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn. Cresskill All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts. Elizabeth It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat. Manville It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo. Newark It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor. Ocean City People may not slurp their soup. Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday. Raw hamburger may not be sold. Raritan Profanity is prohibited. Sea Isle City There will be no boiling of bones on the property. Trenton You may not throw a bad pickle in the street. Misc. You watched "Mallrats" and said "I've been to that mall!" At least half the people you knew in high school went to Rutgers. You know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown. You long for the days when the Devils wore Christmas colors. You know that the only people that call it "Joisey" are from New York. You've planned a local trip around ensuring you pass at least one Dunkin' Donuts. You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges" You know that it's called "Great Adventure"... not "Six Flags", dammit! You know that there are bakeries which are not part of a supermarket, but actual individual stores. You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast. One time, a sea gull shit on your head. You've eaten at a diner, drunk off your ass, at 3am at least a dozen times. At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen. You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word "damn" while driving. You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood. You once said, "It smells like New York in here," You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring)! In high school, you worked at a Friendly's. The Garden State Parkway doesn't freak you out at night. You know what a "jug handle" is. You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law. You've eaten a pork roll and cheese on a hard roll...and like it. You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets didn't blow," You say "water" weird. (Wadder, Cawfee, Dowg, wadever) Even your school made good Italian subs. You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado or earthquake. You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights. You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation. You only go to New York City for day trips. You've run out of money on the Parkway. You're Italian. You know where to get the best bagel. You think the Olive Garden is crap and should have never opened any restaurants in New Jersey. There are no self serve gas stations and you like it that freakin' way. You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage. You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle. The Jets/Giants game has started fights at your school and/or local bar Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May You can't understand why there aren't more 24-hr diners elsewhere in the county You live within 45 minutes of at least three different malls Someone at the beach once called you a benny You've seen or been in a fight between a Rangers fan and a Devils fan You have or know someone with mafia connections too You're related to someone who thinks the New York Jets should be called the New Jersey Jets You have at least one friend who drives a truck You've been camping You've been in a town or city where Spanish is spoken more than English You've been to a party in the woods You've purchased fireworks in Chinatown You liked the Jets even before this season You know where to get a freshly cooked Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich at 2 a.m. You don't take shit from no one either You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there At some time you got on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook mall Z-100 used to be your favorite radio station Anything less than three inches of snow ain't shit Someone cut you off on the road and you told them to go fuck themself You think people from South Jersey talk funny You're radioactive and proud of it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2005 10:50 AM                        Rated G Texas Trying to counter its reputation as "America's Fattest City", Houston, Texas, put on the "Tour de Houston" bicycle event. The response was staggering: at least 2,300 people showed up, raising $50,000 to upgrade the city's parks and recreational facilities. Organizers didn't time the cyclists, noting it was "recreational, not a race." Another reason for the great turnout: participants were given free beer and tacos.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-26-2005 07:36 AM                        Rated G Texas - Michele A Texas Redneck was driving his old pick up truck down the road with his girlfriend at his side when all of a sudden the truck started to buck and stall. With that, he said to his girlfriend that he had to get a new truck. He walked down the block and found a GMC dealership. Once inside a sales lady approaches him and says, "Sir, may I help you". He looks at a hummer and says to the saleslady, "How much for a hummer?" She replies, well they start at $49,000 and go up from there. He says, "$49,000. That's a lot of money, I can get one a lot cheaper!" The saleslady assures him that she has the lowest prices in the state of Texas. Then she says, "Sir if you can get a hummer cheaper than what I will give it to you for, I will give you the key to this truck right now." With that, the Redneck walks out, gets his girlfriend, brings her into the dealership and says, "Honey, will you give me a hummer for $50. She says, "Hell yes." He turns to the saleslady and asks, "Where do I pick up my keys to that new truck?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2005 08:15 PM                        Rated G Texas/Kentucky A Kentuckian and a Texan were talking in a Dallas bar. The Texan said, "So how do you like it here?" The Kentuckian replied, "Texas is a grand state, but not as grand as Kentucky. Did you know that we have so much gold in Fort Knox that we could build a 3-foot high fence of gold bars all around the border of Texas?" The Texan looked thoughtful for a moment and said,"Well...ya'll go ahead and build that fence, and if we like it, we'll buy it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2005 03:31 PM                        Rated PG KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO Alabama Hell Yes, We Have Electricity. Alaska 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona But It's A Dry Heat. Arkansas Literacy Ain't Everything. California By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. Colorado If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother. Connecticut Like Massachusetts,Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet. Delaware We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water. Florida Ask Us About Our Grandkids. Then teach us how to drive & vote. Georgia We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism. Hawaii Haka Tike Mou Sha! 'ami Lee ki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money) Idaho More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois Please, Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,But That's Our Tourism Campaign. Maine! We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's Michigan First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi Come And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else. Nebraska Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada Hookers and Poker! New Hampshire Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here! New Mexico Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... North Carolina Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma Like The Play, But No Singing Oregon Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania Cook With Coal Rhode Island We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina Remember The War of Northern Aggression? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet South Dakota Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee The Edyoocashun State Texas Se Hablo Ingles Utah Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont Ay, Yup! Virginia Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington We have more rain than you do West Virginia One Big Happy Family...Really! Wisconsin Come Cut The Cheese! Wyoming Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared  |  IP: Logged

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