my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » State Jokes (Page 5)

This topic comprises 10 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Author Topic: State Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 07:14 AM                        Rated G UTAH In Utah a judge found that it is illegal to grab your crotch in public.In a related story, Major League Baseball has decided not to put any teams in the state of Utah.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 08:27 AM                        Rated G New Hampshire New Hampshire tourism officials are scrambling to replace The Old Man of the Mountain,a natural rock formation of an old man, which lent its image as a state symbol for years, and was the most photographed object in the state. They have hastily come up with a top ten list of contenders: Top Ten Contenders for New Top Attraction in New Hampshire 10. "Babe," the Spray-Painted Ox 9. The Eternally Flaming Mountain of Tires 8. The Leaning Tower of Laconia 7. The University of New Hampshire Museum of Prepetual Motion Machines("We never close! Get it?") 6. The Audio-Animatronic John Sununu 5. The Portsmouth Piggery 4. The "I Can See Ben and Jerry's From Here!" Chair Lift 3. The Worlds Smallest Globe 2. The New Manchester Wal-Mart And the number one Contender for the New Top Attraction in New Hampshire: 1. The Pile of Rubble That,If The Light Is Juuuust Right,And You Squint A Bit,Looks Kind Of Like Wendell Wilkie.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2003 01:26 PM                        Rated PG TEXAS He'd been up in New York recently for the Cowboys -New York game.He was having a drink in a bar when an attractive woman sat down next to him. "Hello, honey," he said. "I'm Oliver from down around" "Don't tell me," she smiled, laying a hand on his forearm. "You're from Texas." "How'd you know?" he asked. "You called me 'honey', your name's Oliver, 'n you sure seem tall sitting there on that bar stool" "Well, you're right," he replied, "but I have to tell you I'm not really that tall - I'm just sitting on my wallet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-06-2003 03:18 PM                        Rated G TEXAS Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.[/b] "I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first."He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." "Not Tex," said the second."He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in,I'm sure all he'll say is hello." "I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart,he'll figure out a way to do both.Here he comes now!" Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted,"Audi, partners!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 09:31 AM                        Rated G ALABAMA Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14. What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama? Documentaries. Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? Yep.Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a totalloss, too. Both books -- poof! -- up in flames and he hadn't evenfinished coloring one of them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 09:32 AM                        Rated G WEST VIRGINIA Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in WestVirginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools! A new law recently passed in West Virginia: When a couple gets divorced,they're STILL brother and sister.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 09:38 AM                        Rated G TENNESSEE How do you know when you're staying in a Tennessee hotel? When you callthe front desk and say,"I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go ahead."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-19-2003 10:26 AM                        Rated G Obese Michigan Mommas... How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator? Grease herhips and throw in a twinkie.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 07:12 AM                        Rated G California Californians are a strange people.They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils,and then warn you for putting sugar in your coffee!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 10:15 AM                        Rated PG TEXAS Michele Hello my sex pot," breathed the obscene phone caller."I know you are the hotest woman on the block.If you can guess what's in my hand,I'll give you a piece of the action." "Listen Mister," drawled the lil' ol' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand,I ain't the least bit interested."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 11:32 AM                        Rated G Wisconsin Since moving to Wisconsin Rachel has convinced the Govenor to change the slogan of the license plates from: Wisconsin, The Dairy State to: Wisconsin, Come Smell Our Dairy Air.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 10:34 AM                        Rated G NEW YORK Why are New Yorkers always depressed? The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 01:18 PM                        Rated G TEXAS The worst air disaster in Texas history occurred today when a two-seater Cessna airplane,piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in College Station... Aggie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into this afternoon. The pilot and co-pilot survived and are helping in the search.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2003 02:59 AM                        Rated G Oklahoma/Texas A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age,finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma.He invited his father out for a visit,and took him on a tour of the property.Driving along in the son's pickup truck,a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them. The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass,and the father queried:"What in tarnation is that!?" The son incredulously replied,"That's a jackrabbit,Dad,what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said,"We grow 'em a lot bigger back home in Texas." So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the rangeThe son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone,"What are those?" The son hesitantly said,"Those are buffalo,Dad;you gotta be kiddin me,you really don't recognize them?" The father replied,"Well,I guess they're kinda familiar -- it's just that we grow'em so much bigger back in Texas." The son,a bit disgruntled,drove on in silence.At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side.A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said,"Now what the heck is that thing!?" Without missing a beat,the son replied,"wood tick".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 06:12 AM                        Rated G Michele NEW REJECTED STATE MOTTOS ALABAMA: Literacy ain't everything Ya want fries with dat? ALASKA: Come, freeze your butt off ARIZONA: Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds ARKANSAS: At least we're not Mississippi CALIFORNIA: The Granola State Nobody's actually from here Fast reloading lanes available The really long state COLORADO: Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here Official home of the winter ski bunny CONNECTICUT: Way too close to New York DELAWARE: You'll need a map to find us So close to Washington you can smell it FLORIDA: The Gunshine State Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans go to die Senior citizen discounts available Come, enjoy the humidity! The snow capital of the US GEORGIA: Home of the Rednecks Gateway to Florida Confederate money welcome HAWAII: Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over Book 'em Danno Tom Selleck, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise! Come, get lai-ed IDAHO: Ain't nothing here We don't care if you spell potato with an "e" Land of a billion "eyes" ILLINOIS: Land of the voting dead Gateway to Iowa INDIANA: Home of David Letterman IOWA: Just east of Omaha It's easy to spell KANSAS: Hayfever capital of the Midwest Dole slept here There's no place like home Ya want flat, we got flat KENTUCKY: Tobacco is a vegetable We're all related Gateway to Nashville LOUISIANA: Swim the beautiful Bayou Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt you MAINE: For Sale You can spit on Canada from here MARYLAND: If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us MASSACHUSETTS: Home of the young girls from Nantucket, also the home of Ted Kennedy, hmmmm... MICHIGAN: Land of the free, home of the Buick MINNESOTA: Not Sweden, but we try to act like it Sure beats Canada MISSISSIPPI: We're lucky we can spell it Why would you want to come here? MISSOURI: Gateway to Kansas Here's mine, Show Me yours We're better than Illinois MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and very little else We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods It's where you're wanted At least our cows are sane NEBRASKA: More corn than Kansas Go to Kansas, turn north NEVADA: More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too) 2 words - Death Valley 3:5 you'll leave broke We have our own nuclear testing site NEW HAMPSHIRE: Like Old Hampshire, only newer About as exciting as Vermont NEW JERSEY: You have the right to remain silent, You have the right to an attorney... Tell 'em Guido sent ya NEW MEXICO: Lizards make excellent pets We have reservations Alien Welcome Center - Roswell NEW YORK: At least we're not New Jersey! We're more than a big city; we're a state Like we CARE about a motto English spoken here; sometimes NORTH CAROLINA: Five million people; Fifteen last names We're bigger than South Carolina NORTH DAKOTA: The OTHER South Dakota OHIO: Don't judge us by Cleveland Proud polluters of Lake Erie We're easy to spell OKLAHOMA: We're OK, you're NOT! I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto OREGON: As pretty as California but not as weird We're not named after a musical instrument You can see the sunset from here PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with coal Free lube job with oil change RHODE ISLAND: Size ain't everything Nobody famous came from Rhode Island SOUTH CAROLINA: Just south of North Carolina SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota TENNESSEE: The Educashun State Thank goodness we've still got Elvis A great fixer-upper TEXAS: Si Hablo Ingles See, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas! UTAH: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus At least our sheep can't talk VERMONT: Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns VIRGINIA: Please don't confuse us with West Virginia! WASHINGTON: We like our state, so STAY OUT! WEST VIRGINIA: Where "family values" has a different meaning WISCONSIN: Land of funny accents Say "Cheeeese" WYOMING: Where men are lonely and sheep are scared  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 10 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.