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This topic comprises 10 pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
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Author
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Topic: State Jokes
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-08-2003 09:31 PM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
NORTH CAROLINA STATE LEGISLATURE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
HB 370.1
A Bill To Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of Attorneys
Principal Provisions
Any person with a valid rodent or rattlesnake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting.
(noncommercial) purposes.
Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls is permitted.The use of currency as bait is,however,prohibited.
The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is
prohibited,unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in
reverse.If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle,the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside,and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase,herd or harvest attorneys from a power
boat,helicopter or aircraft.
It is unlawful to shout"WHIPLASH","AMBULANCE",or"FREE SCOTCH"
for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 meters of BMW,
Mercedes,or Porsche dealerships,except on Wednesday afternoon
It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 meters of courtrooms,law libraries,health clubs,country clubs,hospitals or golf courses.
If an attorney gains elective office,it is not necessary to have
a license to hunt,trap or possess the same.
It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter,
accident victim,physician,chiropractor,or tax accountant for
the purpose of hunting attorneys.
Bag Limits Per Day:
Yellowbellied Sidewinders: 2
Two-faced Tortfeasors: 1
Backstabbing Divorce Litigators: 3
Horn-rimmed Cutthroats: 2
Minutiae-advocating Chickens: 4
Honest Attorneys: 0 (Protected, Endangered species.) ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
[ 04-01-2003, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-10-2003 05:19 PM
Rated X ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) .........Baby Blues
Galveston, Texas Story
A young woman in the sleazy part of the old Galveston Strand
was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing
herself into the harbor. She went down to the docks and was aboutto leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw hertottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live
for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three
sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love
until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the
captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Europe, and because I have no money, I have sex with him."
" Lady, I think you are getting screwed on this deal ,"the captain said."This is the Bolivar Ferry."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-21-2003 12:33 PM
Rated G TEXAS
A guy goes into a Texas bar all dejected, and orders a drink.
The barkeep says, "Here, you look down. It's on the house if
you'll tell me your story."
"Okay," the guy says in a heavy Mexican accent."Ess like theese:
I jused to be an inspector for the Mexican Navy."
"Really!" the barkeep says, surprised. "I didn't know Mexico had
a Navy."
"Oh, chure," the inspector says.
"So, what did you inspect?"
"Submarines."
"What did you have to do?"
"Well," the inspector says, taking a big drink. "I get into the
submarine with all the other guys in the Navy and I say,'Take it down to 100 feet!'"
"And what happens?"
"Then I go around and check for leaks. Then I say, 'Take it down to 200 feet!'"
"And then what happens?"
"Then I go around and check for leaks again. And if everything
goes well, I say, 'Take it down to a thousand feet!'"
"And then what happens?"
The Mexican inspector shakes his head sadly. "Then those damn
adobe walls just fall apart!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-23-2003 02:33 PM
Rated G Kansas
There was once a general store in central Kansas back around
1900. The owner was an elderly man who went to church for a long
time. The store always had those two or three "older gentlemen"
that you always see on the front porch talking about "the war" or how it used to be.
Anyway, this certain storeowner had the habit of quoting Scripture every time he made a transaction, and it was always a different verse.It got to where the old men on the porch came in every time a customer showed up just to hear what the verse was going to be.
Well,one day,a Texan came in andinquired about the rug that was hanging on the wall. The man asked about the price of the rug, and the owner told him $400.
But,the owner and the old men all knew that the true worth was
about $200.So the Texan thought it over and said,"I'll take it!"
He bought the rug and left the store.
The old men stared at the owner in anticipation of what possible Scripture could follow such a dishonest act.
The owner said, "He was a stranger, and I took him in."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-01-2003 11:49 AM
Rated G North Carolina Jokes
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
2000 Federal Census for North Carolina
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:
____ M
_____ F
_____ Not sure
Shoe Size:
____ Left
____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:_____________________
3rd Spouse's Name:_____________________
Lover's Name:__________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4
(Circle highest grade completed)
Do you
(_) own or
(_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196___
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes
(_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left______
Right_____
Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?
Dumb North Carolina Laws
It's against the law to sing off key.
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.
All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden.
A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent.
Barber
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.
Chapel Hill
It is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly.
Charlotte
Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
Elon College
There is to be no rollerblading during daylight hours, on the roads, or on the bricks. All the sidewalks at this college are made of brick. (Repealed in 1998)
Forest City
You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople will have time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town.
Greensboro
Restaurants "with on sidewalk dining" must post their menu so that it is clearly readable from the sidewalk, but is not readable from the street.
Hornytown
Massage parlors have been banned.
Kill Devil Hills
You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars.
Rocky Mount
It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog.
Southern Shores
It is against the law to rollerblade on a state highway
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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!
Posts: 3836
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000
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posted 04-18-2003 01:10 AM
Rated G Las Vegas, NEVADA
Forwarded from Dave Huskinson--I like it.
1. First, it's pronounced LOSS-VAYGUS. It doesn't matter how they say it in other places.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Las Vegas has it's own set of traffic rules. There's no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them.
3. All directions start with, "Go down 95 ...'cause you don't want to get on 15."
4. Las Vegas Blvd, Charleston, and Torrey Pines have no beginning and no end.
5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive".
6. The 8:00am rush hour is from 4:30am to 11:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 11:30am to 10:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning and ends sometime late Sunday night.
7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Las Vegas. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "pumpkin-orange" hue.
8. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for a casino. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your "Gaming Tag" around the collar of your white shirt or clipped on to your belt loop of your black tuxedo pants. 98% of the people within a 200 mile radius work for a casino. When someone says "Steve Wynn", casino employees are trained to face the Strip, hit their knees, kneel, and say "Praise Steve" three times.
9. Just remember that Camino Al Norte is Martin Luther King Blvd, Boulder Highway is Fremont Street, Eastern Ave is 25th Street or Civic Center Drive, Spring Mountain/Sands/Twain are all the same street. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.
9A. Henderson is the only place in the world where THREE "parallel" streets intersect at one traffic light. That would be the 4-way of GreenValley Parkway/Eastern Avenue/Maryland Parkway. For laughs ask your middle school geometry teacher to try to explain it.
9B. Rainbow Blvd has THREE exits from 95, this just makes giving driving directions to newbies more entertaining. There is also a Lake Mead "Drive" and a Lake Mead "Boulevard" and both run east/west but are 30 miles apart. And they both intersect 95. You have to be specific when you say "the corner of Lake Mead and......". Again this is just another way to harass the 5000 newcomers every month.
9C. Many major roads just end abruptly at a house/Home Depot/casino/McCarran International Airport runways and start again after the interruption--that was done to encourage you to "see the sights" and meet new people. Just try to take Harmon Avenue from Rainbow to Nellis.
10. If moisture is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease. Ditto for daylight savings time, girl applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire 3 lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow, blowing dust, or a 3-day weekend.
11. Construction on I-15 and US 95 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. I-215 will never be completed. Get used to it!
12. Stay away from the corner of Nellis and Las Vegas Blvd if you do not like the thought of being in a remake of the movie "Top Gun".
13. And yes, we all know that's a man in a teddy and a tiara on Fremont Street. His name is Leslie and he probably makes more money than you do.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-29-2003 07:06 AM
Rated G Montana
The Potato Garden
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison.The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.If you were here, all my troubles would be over.I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Bubba
At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.They apologized to the oldman and left.That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now.That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Bubba.
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