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Author Topic: State Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 10:06 AM                        Rated G Maine Mind Over Matter The train was en route from Bangor to Portland. One of Maine's typical sons was stretched across two seats in the day-coach contemplating the rugged scenery. At a small station another male boarded the coach. The passenger had the eager, inquiring eye and the long prehensile nose of a certain sub-species of the genus Yankee, of which he was a perfect specimen. As he slumped down alongside the sprawling one, the newcomer spied in the rack above their heads a stout, smallish wooden box, heavily corded, with augur holes bored in the sides and ends of it. Speaking in a gorgeous Down-East drawl the inquisitive party put his first question: "Nice day?" "Yep," said the other. "Goin' fur?" "Portland." "Portland, huh? - live thar?" "No, visiting." "That your box up thar?" "Yep." "Looks kind of solid?" "Is." "Looks kind of heavy, too?" "Is." "Got holes in it, I see?" "Yep." "Whut's the holes fur?" "Air." "Whut you need air fur?" "So it can breathe." "So whut kin breathe?" "What's inside." "Oh!...Well, whut is inside?" "Mongoose." "Mon which?" "No, mongoose." "Mongoose, heh?" "Yep." "Whut the heck is a mongoose?" "Small East Indian animal." "Slick?" "No, furry." "Tame?" "Not very." "Would it bite you?" "In a minute." "Whut you want with a critter like that?" The pestered traveler straightened up. "Well," he said, "I'll tell you. A mongoose is an animal that lives off reptiles - snakes, lizards, toads. I've got an uncle in Portland. Fine man, respected citizen and all that, but he's got one weakness. Drinks. When he drinks he's bothered by snakes and lizards. I'm taking the mongoose down there to eat 'em." "Yes, but gosh! Them varmints he sees is imaginary snakes!" "Well, this is an imaginary mongoose."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2005 07:29 PM                        Rated G Texas Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands." The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2005 07:32 PM                        Rated G Texas A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2005 10:15 AM                        Rated G Texas Hunting Couple While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won. That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position. As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!! The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.. It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2005 12:21 PM                        Rated PG Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Grand Marais. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by the Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me." BUT WAIT! There's MORE! PART TWO: Moments later Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hej, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either." BUT WAIT! There's MORE! PART THREE: Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head - "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knut parrotshooting and now Lars is hengliding.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2005 08:23 AM                        Rated G California Do you know what happened this week back in 1850? California became a state. The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically, it was just like California today, except that the women had real tits.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-26-2005 07:39 AM                        Rated G When does summertime come to Minnesota you ask? Well, last year I think it was a Wednesday.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2005 03:17 PM                        Rated G California Der New 2005 California State Employee Handbook By Arnold Schwarzenegger Sick Days Ve vill no longer accept a doktor's shtatement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doktor, you are able to come to verk. Personal Days Each employee vill receive 104 personal days a year. Dey are called Saturday and Sunday. Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that dey can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because dat's all der time needed to drink der Shlim Fast. Dress Code It is advised that you come to verk dressed according to your salary. If ve see you vearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, ve assume you are doing vell financially and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so dat you may buy nicer clothes, and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in- betveen, you are right vere you need to be and derefore you do not need a raise. Bereavement Leave Dis is no excuse for missing verk. Dere is notting you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-verkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to da arranchments. In rare cases vere employee involvement is necessary, da funeral should be scheduled in da late afternoon. Ve vill be glad to allow you to vork troo your lunch hour and subsequently leave vone hour early. Restroom Use Entirely too much time is being spent in da restroom. Dere is now a shtricht 3-minute time limit in der shtalls. At der end of tree minutes, an alarm vill sound, der toilet paper roll vill retract, the shtall door vill open and a picture vill be taken. After your second offense, your picture vill be posted on der company bulletin board under da "Chronic Offenders" category. Tank you for your loyalty to our great shtate. Ve are here to provide a positive employment experience. Tank You, Der Governater  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2005 10:59 AM                        Rated G Vermont Soon after moving to Vermont a man encountered his first New England snowstorm. "Guess there'll be no bowling tonight," he remarked to his new boss. "Why not?" the boss asked. "Well, you know, the snow...." "Son" the boss replied, "you may not have noticed, but we bowl indoors."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 10:09 AM                        Rated G Florida YOU MIGHT BE A FLORIDA RESIDENT IF .... You have FEMA's number on your speed dial. You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer. Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os. You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows. When describing your house to a prospective buyer,you say it has three bedrooms,two baths,and one safe hallway. Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms. You are on a first-name basis with all the cashiers at Home Depot. Gasoline is a rare commodity worth waiting in line for hours just to get 10 gallons. You are delighted to be able to pay only $5 for a gallon of regular unleaded. The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone. You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool. You own more than three large coolers. You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it. You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a gallon of gas to get there and back" You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight. You catch a 13-pound redfish... in your living room You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy. At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chain saw. You have had tuna more than 5 days in a row. There is a roll of tar paper in your garage. You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather Channel. Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof. Ice is a valid topic of conversation. Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water. Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea anymore. You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker. A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center. Your child's first words are "hunker down". Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas. Toilet Paper is worth more than gold coins. You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side." Your kids start school in November and finish in June You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning and the bathroom  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 10:02 AM                        Rated G Alabama Alabama Laws . . . It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death. Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Unlawful bear exploitation; penalties.(a) A person commits the offense of unlawful bear exploitation if he or she knowingly does any one of the following: (1) Promotes, engages in, or is employed at a bear wrestling match. (2) Receives money for the admission of another person to a place kept for bear wrestling. (3) Sells, purchases, possesses, or trains a bear for bear wrestling. (4) For purposes of exploitation, subjects a bear to surgical alteration in any form, including, but not limited to, declawing, tooth removal, and severing tendons. (b) Unlawful bear exploitation is a Class B felony and is punishable as provided by law. -Section 13A-12-5 (Passed in 1996) It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile. You must have windshield wipers on your car. You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. Masks may not be worn in public. Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex. You may not drive barefooted. It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty. It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 07:52 PM                        Rated G Texas/Illinois A Texas Cattle Rancher and an Illinois Farmer were debating on who had the biggest spread of land. The Texas Cattle Rancher said, "I'll tell ya what son, my ranch is so big that I can get in my pickup truck and start out at the western entrance to my ranch and drive straight east all dog-gone day and still not reach the eastern entrance to my ranch". The Illinois Farmer scratched his head and spit out his chewin' tobacco and replied, "Ya know......I used to have an old pickup truck just like that".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2005 07:49 PM                        Rated G B.B. (Statement made after Katrina) I knew the Louisiana Purchase was a bad idea.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2005 12:08 PM                        Rated G Ray The Texas Board of Education wants marriage in health texts defined as between a man and a woman. They also approved a new geography text. "This Flat Earth."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 01:11 PM                        Rated PG B.B. California So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if: 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible. 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. 5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal? 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal? 9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. 10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney!! 12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal? 14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH." 15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers. 16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather- related accidents. 17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal???? 18. Both you AND your dog have therapists. 19. The Terminator is your governor. 20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one!!!  |  IP: Logged

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