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Author
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Topic: State Jokes
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-21-2002 10:32 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) TEXAS
Howdy, Ya'll, I'm From TEXAS!
When you're from Texas, people that you meet ask you questions
like, "Do you have any cows?" "Do you have horses?" "Bet you got a
bunch of guns, eh?" They all want to know if you've been to Southfork. They watched Dallas.
Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Look at Texas with me
just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf
Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of
you as anything ever will be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the
world looks at it they know what it is. It's Texas.
Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt and he'll know what it is. What happens if I show you a picture of any other state? You'll get it maybe after a second, but who else would? Even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you?
In every man, woman and child on this little rock the Good Lord put us on, there is a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride in a pickup. There is some bit of Texas in everyone. Did you ever hear anyone in a bar go, "Wow...so you're from Iowa? Cool, tell me about it?" Do you know why? Because there's no place like Texas.
Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing
thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the
chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed instead to fight and die for the cause of freedom.
We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and James Bowie and Davy Crockett and do you know why? Because those men a line in the sand and they decided to cross it and be heroes. John Wayne paid to do the movie himself. That is the Spirit of Texas.
Texas is Sam Houston capturing Santa Ana at San Jacinto.
Texas is Juneteenth and Texas Independence Day.
Texas is huge forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett National Forest.
Texas is breathtaking mountains in Big Bend.
Texas is shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas.
Texas is world record bass from places like Lake Fork.
Texas is Mexican food like nowhere in the world, even Mexico.
Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards. County Fairs, and the Bass Hall.
Texas is larger-than-life legends like Willie Nelson, George Strait, and Buddy Holly, Earl Campbell and Nolan Ryan, Denton Cooley and Michael DeBakey, Sam Rayburn and Lyndon B. Johnson, George Bush, and George W. Bush.
Texas is great companies like Dell Computer and Compaq.
Texas is huge herds of cattle and miles of crops.
Texas is skies blackened with doves and fields full of deer and quail.
Texas is a place where cities shut down for the Cowboys on Monday
Night Football,the NIOSA River Parade in San Antonio, the Neches
River Parade in Beaumont, and to celebrate the birthday of the Father of our country, George Washington, for a whole week in Laredo.
Texas is ocean and beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains
and prairies, and modern cities full of southern hospitality.
Texas is beautiful sunsets, fields full of bluebonnets and wildflowers in the Spring ,cactus and tumble weeds that dance among the oil and gas fields.
If it isn't in Texas, you don't need it.
No one does anything bigger or better than it's done in Texas and is understood in both English and Spanish.
By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S. that can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20
feet in Maryland, or California, or Maine, and your state flag,
whatever it is, goes at 17.
You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Pine Tree High in
Longview at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at the same height - 20 feet. Do you know why?
Because we place being a Texan as high as being an American down here.
Our capitol, in Austin, is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in Washington, D.C.
We included these things in as part of the deal when we came on. That's the best part right there. WHEN WE CAME ON.
Texas was its own country. The Republic of Texas.
Every time I think of that I tear up. It makes you proud to be a
God -fearing Texan!!
A test to see if you are REALLY a Texan!
If you are a REAL TEXAN, ...
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
5. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no
one in it no matter what time of the year.
6. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing' to go to the
store.
7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, flower, or animal.
8. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both unlocked.
9. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
10. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe-hunting" are.
11. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
12. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
13. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
14. The local papers covers national and international news on one
page but requires 6 pages for football.
15. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
16. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
17. You find 95 degrees F "a little warm."
18. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
19. You know whether another Texan is from southern, middle, or
northern Texas as soon as they open their mouth.
20. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 500 or more.
21. Going to Walmart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World"
22. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
23. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop .... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
24. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends no
matter where they live in case they are planning to visit.
YEE HAW...I'M FROM TEXAS AND I'M PROUD OF IT!!!
A wise man once said, "Never ask a man where he's from; if he's
from Texas, he WILL tell you. If not, there's no need to embarrass
him!"... ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-23-2002 08:31 AM
Rated G HOW TO TELL IF YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA
You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
It's drizzling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named "Breeze".
You can't remember ... is pot legal?
You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans must be grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian beans.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember... is pot legal?
A great parking space can move you to tears.
The guy in line at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looking like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your rent.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about "STORM WATCH 2001"
Hey... is pot legal?
Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.
You whine when there are 2 overcast days in a row.
A family of 6 owns 4 vehicles, 2 of which are SUVs.
Even if the store is across the street, you drive there. If you live in southern California, it will take you 30 minutes to get there.
Everyone knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are over almost as soon as you realize what's happening.
Yeah, you're sure... pot is legal.
You know the answer to this riddle:
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(Answer: It doesn't matter. Californians can't afford to turn on the lights anyway.)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-13-2003 08:13 AM
Rated G Rhode Island Dumb Law's
State
It is illegal to challenge someone to a duel, or accept a duel, even it it is never actually fought. Penalty: Imprisonment for one to seven years.
Riding a horse over any public highway for the purpose of racing, or testing the speed of the horse is illegal. Penalty: Maximum $20 fine and imprisonment for 10 days.
Exercising any labor, business, or work, or using any game, sport, play, or recreation, or causing any of the above to be done to or by your children, servants, or apprentices on the first day of the week (Sunday) results in a penalty of $5 for the first offense and $10 for the second.
It is illegal to coast downhill in your car with your transmission in neutral, or with the clutch disengaged.
Impersonating a town sealer, auctioneer, corder of wood, or a fence-viewer is against the law. Penalty: $20 to $100 fine.
It is illegal to place a windmill within twenty-five (25) rods of any traveled street or road.
It is considered an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
Rhode Island recently applied to the US Government to make all the coastal waters of Rhode Island a "No Discharge Zone". The ostensible purpose was to prohibit the discharge of sewage by boats into the state's waters. However, discharge of raw sewage into the state waters was already illegal. What the "No Discharge Zone" actually did was make it illegal to discharge TREATED sewage from a boat into state waters. What now happens is that boats (whose treatment systems far outperform municipal sewage treatment plants) are now required to disable their sewage treatment systems, and carry their sewage to a shore-based facility, which then dumps the partially treated sewage back into Rhode Island's coastal waters.
Professional sports, except ice polo and hockey, must obtain a license to play games on Sunday.
Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. -SECTION 11-40-1
Newport
You cannot smoke a pipe after sunset.
Providence
There is not an appeals process for exemtion of property tax due to a disability or poverty.
It is illegal to wear transparent clothing.
You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
West Warwick
It is illegal to use water on even-numbered days for the sole purpose of watering plants, gardens, or lawns. If you break this law there is a fine of $25-$100.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-14-2003 02:28 PM
Rated G Dumb Laws Pennsylvania
It is contrary to Pennsylvania law to discharge a gun, cannon, revolver or other explosive weapon at a wedding.
It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.
It it illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.
Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal,wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock,and continue.
A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
You may not sing in the bathtub.
Fireworks stores may not sell fireworks to Pennsylvania residents.
A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.
Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.
Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.
No more than two packages of beer at a time may be purchased, unless you are buying from an official "beer distributor".
All liquor stores must be run by the state.
Motorized vehicles are not to be sold on Sundays.
You may not catch a fish with your hands.
You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.
Dynamite is not to be used to catch fish.
Though you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, but a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land.
Allentown
There is a ban on men becoming aroused in public.
Bensalem
Operators of bingo games may not advertise the prizes offered.
Persons convicted of felonies may not operate Bingo games.
Carlisle
In the middle of town, one must pay a fee of $50 dollars a year to park on a particular block. At night, however, the cars must be moved for street cleaning. This law is enforced even if snow or ice prevents the cars from being moved.
Connellsville
One's pants may be worn no lower than five inches below the waist.
Danville
All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires.
Millville
The sale of alcohol is prohibited.
One may not shoot any dog that is found wandering the streets.
Morrisville
It is required that a woman have a permit to wear cosmetics.
Newtown
Every outlet or switch (which can be purchased for 59 cents) that is installed requires an electrical inspection fee of 1 dollar and 33 cents.
Pittsburgh
No one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator.
It is still illegal to bring a donkey or a mule onto a trolley car.
Ridley Park
You cannot walk backwards eating peanuts in front of the Barnstormers Auditorium during a performance.
Tarentum
Horses are not to be tied to parking meters
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