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This topic comprises 10 pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
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Author
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Topic: State Jokes
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Rachel Craven
Madam Moderator
Posts: 2190
From: Pensacola, FL
Registered: Dec 2000
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posted 10-15-2003 11:52 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Massachusetts
Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio. One man was from Texas, one from Florida, and one from Massachusetts. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.
The guy from Texas began by saying "I told my wife clearly that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing, but on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."
Then the man from Florida spoke up "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all the grocery shopping and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But the third day, when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries."
The fellow from Massachusetts was married to a woman who had grown up in Massachusetts all her life. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said. "I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and house cleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
You Gotta Love those Massachusetts Women!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-13-2003 12:44 PM
Rated G Michele California
We here in California, who all you other states say that you are
not jealous of, but come here and never leave, should secede from the union and keep the Military and Naval Ports we have and create the great nation CALIFORNICUS.
Why, you ask?
Let's think about this.
Other states have fires and what do we do, we send our firefighters,and the military to help put those fires out. I.e.. Yosemite,Colorado,Arizona,Washington and Oregon.
Catastrophes, including Oklahoma City, 9/11 and even problems in other countries.Well we're sick of it.You can call us a bunch
of fruits and flakes, just another state of Mexico, or whatever
else you jealous bastards can think of. In the past,we received
help from Canada in the form of Air tankers and Helicopters to
help put out our fires and Nevada has sent out some trucks to help us.
For the rest of you, you are no longer on our Christmas Card
list.Get your passports and maybe we will let you in.What are
you going to do? Not send us food. Hahahaha We are the 5th
largest nation in GNP already.
Just to be on the safe side we will offer free trade with Canada, and free travel between Nevada, due to before mentioned help.All others prepare to pay the price for kicking us repeatedly while we were down.
And besides our governor may not be able to act, but he can kick
your ass. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-21-2003 12:08 PM
Rated G Utah
There was this Utah Psychiatrist who decided that the majority of his patients had been sufficiently cured to allow them out of the ward, and to place them on an out-patient basis so that they could return to a somewhat normal life.
To get this off to a good start,he decided that having a party for the group would be the best way to give them some encouragement and self-confidence before releasing them,so he proceeded to set up a party for them at one of the local taverns.
The tavern owner was somewhat reluctant about holding a party for a bunch of loonies,but after some persuasion from the psychiatrist,decided to relent.
"Look," said the psychiatrist,"These are just basically a nice bunch of people.They are calm,polite,and will do well to have a good time."
"OK," said the tavern owner.
"Oh," said the psychiatrist,"There is one more thing.Don't be surprised if they decide to pay you in bottle caps. Just act like it's OK, and I will come by in the morning to pick up the tab."
The party went without a hitch,and the next morning,the psychiatrist appeared as he had promised.
"How did it go," he asked.
"Just great," replied the tavern owner."Actually they were a really great bunch of people. Very nice,very polite and well behaved.Funny thing,though,it was just like you said.They all paid me in bottle caps.You are going to pay me,aren't you."
"How much is it?" ask the psychiatrist.
"$257.49," replied the tavern owner.
"OK," said the psychiatrist."Have you got change for a manhole
cover?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-02-2003 07:03 AM
Rated R ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
TEXAS DRINKING ETIQUETTE
The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, " In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
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