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This topic comprises 10 pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
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Author
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Topic: State Jokes
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-20-2004 10:49 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Alaska
You may be Alaskan if:
1. Going to the store for milk can be life threatening.
2. Your town has no stray animals.
3. Most dogs in your area have a job in transportation.
4. You have a good supply of arctic wear AND mosquito repellant.
5. The schools or businesses don't give "Snow Days".
6. You have more problems with moose eating your bushes than with grasshoppers or beetles.
7. You have to plug in your car even though it isn't electric.
8. The Halloween pumpkin you carved in October doesn't go bad
until April or May.
9. Short sleeves are considered appropriate wear in any
temperature that doesn't have a - (minus) in front of it.
10. Living in the "boonies" or "out in the country" has a whole
different meaning than in the Lower 48.
11. You sometimes have to wait for the bear to leave the yard
before you can come in from the bathroom.
Still not sure? Here's more ways to tell:
1. You only know four spices:salt,pepper,ketchup and Tabasco.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.
8. You live in a house that has no front step,yet the door is
three feet above the ground.
9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled in with snow.
11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown
with only eight buttons.
12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-
processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears
won't prowl on your deck.
19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo, it's sausage making.
20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
21. You find -60° C a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest
jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter,
and Construction.
25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.
26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.
28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your
Alaskan friends. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Jeremy Fuentes
Mmmm, Dr. Pepper!
Posts: 1168
From: Corpus Christi, TX United States
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted 03-30-2004 10:51 AM
These apply to every person as they enter Texas. Learn 'em & 'member 'em.
You East Coast and California-types should pay extra particular attention!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I
drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how
slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus.
Drive it or get the hell out of the way.
3. Those are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell
like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
You don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35
goes north and south. Pick one and go.
4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We're impressed.
Some of us have quarter-million dollar cotton
strippers that we drive 3 weeks a year.
5. So what if every person in every pickup waves. It's
called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better
hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawdads. You really want sushi &
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.
It's a "religious" holiday held the closest Saturday to
the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone,
regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order
a steak or order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2
pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes:
meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices:
salt, pepper and green chili. Oh, yeah.... We don't
care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you
eat... It AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred
in San Antonio.... and real chili never met a tomato!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown,
wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my
house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a
truck and have long, pretty hair.
13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers
and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water
hazards - it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Texas A&M or the University of Texas.
They come outta there with an education, plus a love
for God and country, and they still wave at passing
pickups when they come home for the holidays.
16. We have more folks in the Navy, Army, Marines and Air
Force than any other state, so "Don't Mess with
Texas." If you do, you will get your butt whipped by
the best.
17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston
once said: "Texas can make it without the United
States, but the United States can't make it without
Texas."
18. By the way, the boys that captured So-Damn Insane
(Hussein) were from...Yep! You guessed it~~"The Great
State of Texas."
God bless Texas and her people!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-31-2004 10:29 AM
Rated G Texas
He'd been up in New York recently for the Rangers - Yankees game. He was having a drink in a bar when an attractive woman sat down next to him. "Hello, honey," he said. "I'm Oliver from down around...."
"Don't tell me," she smiled, laying a hand on his forearm.
"You're from Texas."
"How'd you know?" he asked.
"You called me 'honey', your name's Oliver, 'n you sure seem tall
sitting there on that bar stool"
"Well, you're right," he replied,"but I have to tell you I'm not really that tall - I'm just sitting on my wallet."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-31-2004 10:32 AM
Rated G Texas
In the early 1900s, a simple religious Russian Jew decided that he could no longer stand the Czar's persecution. He would leave
Russia to join his son who had settled in Houston,Texas.The son, who had totally assimilated and was a successful oil man, was thrown into a panic.
"Of course, you are welcome, Pa," he cabled, "I will arrange a
visa, your tickets and fares. But you must realize that I have a
wonderful reputation here as an oil man. When you arrive, you must
adapt to American culture or I will be destroyed.
Upon arrival at the train station, the old man, dressed in his
long coat and up-brimmed hat, was whisked to a haberdashery, where he was fitted with the latest style fedora and a modern-cut suit. But still, his father looked too Jewish.
"Pa it's not enough. I'll take you to the barber." The first thing that came off was the beard. The son looked on and said, "it's not enough Pa.The peyos, they'll have to go."
The barber cut off the right peya.While the son looked on
proudly, his pa was becoming a real American. Then the second. And the old man began to weep.
"Why are you crying, Papa?" the son asked incredulously.
The father, resigned to his fate, simply answered. "I am crying
because we lost the Alamo!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-19-2004 09:34 PM
Rated PG Only in Texas
A woman sitting at a restaurant in McKinney,Texas suddenly began to cough while eating a giant country-fried steak.After few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,and two cowboys at the next table turned to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller? asked one of the cowboys. The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asked the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.'
With that, the first cowboy walked over to her,lifted up the back of her skirt,yanked down her panties,and slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again. The cowboy slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his Lone Star beer.His partner said in admiration,"Ya know,I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver,but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
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