"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men." I just want to say to the authors of that study: "huh?"

"The problem with the designated driver program,it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??

I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness.... I could be eating a slow learner."

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

-- Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" -

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girl-friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

"Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the
hell happened."

"The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy."

--Helen Hayes (at 73)

"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't."

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb . . and I'm also not blonde."