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Author
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Topic: Kids and Grand Children
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-11-2006 11:43 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Lulu
My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelly, went with a neighbor girl to a Catholic church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the "Host," in this case, a piece of bread, he says,
"God be with you."
Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelly took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice,
"God will get you!" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-12-2006 09:34 PM
Rated G B.B.
One day, Doug was playing ball in the house, which was strictly against the rules, and he accidentally broke a vase in the living room. "Oh, no, my mom's gonna kill me!", he thought desperately. He frantically tried to fix it, any way he could. But tape, glue, even Superglue wouldn't hold all the shards together. He finally left the pieces in a pile on the table, and went to hide in his room.
Soon, his mother came home, and he heard her calling him. "Doug, do you know who broke my vase? It's in here all in pieces!"
Doug tried to drum up his courage, but at the last minute, he found himself answering, "No, Mom, I don't know."
He cringed, waiting for her answer. "That's funny," she said, appearing at his door. "I wanted to thank whoever it was. I've never liked that ugly thing, and if it had not been a gift from your daddy's mom, I would have broken it myself years ago!"
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 12-02-2006 12:14 PM
Rated PG...
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human Beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'Fuck,' the Rottweiler ate him!"
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 12-20-2006 01:49 PM
Rated PG...
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike" the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep, the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did, " chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-21-2008 12:07 PM
Rated G Jokester
Let Your Mother Choose
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, he says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
“That’s amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The mother replies,
“I don't like her”
A Great Life
Two businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning. I have a fantastic breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda and relax. I go inside for lunch, have great salads, the best coffee, and I go out and lie on my veranda again. When it gets dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife.
She asked, "What's his wife's name?"
Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think its Veranda."
Sarah: I've been asked to get married hundreds of times.
Miriam: (surprised) really?! By whom?
Sarah: My parents.
You’re All Wet!
Molly arrives home quite late one night and says to her worried husband, "Sorry I'm late. I had to come home by train, as I couldn't get my car to start. But I'm sure I know why."
"So what's the problem then, my mechanical engineer of a wife?" asks her husband.
"I think there's water in the carburetor," replies Molly.
"How on earth can you know that?" says the husband. "You don't even know how to open the hood or to change the time on the car's clock yet alone know where the carburetor is."
"Maybe so," says Molly, "but I still think there's water in it."
The husband then says, "OK, I'll go along with you. Let's check it out right now. Where did you leave the car?"
Molly replies, "In the lake!"
How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Ana, age 10
“No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
What Is The Right Age To Get Married?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6
How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do On A Date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.
"on the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." martin, age 10
What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?
"I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
When Is It Ok To Kiss Someone?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
"It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper- changing." Kirsten, age 10
How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7
How Would You Make A Marriage Work?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, age 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, age 9
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, age 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. So that's what I’ll do. I’ll find somebody who's kinda tall and kinda handsome." -Carolyn, age 8
"eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, age 8
"once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife" -Bert, age 5
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Jeremy Jorgenson
Phenomenal Film Handler
Posts: 1002
From: Chicago, IL, USA
Registered: Feb 2005
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posted 02-12-2010 02:21 PM
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This kid is not so bright. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
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Jeremy Jorgenson
Phenomenal Film Handler
Posts: 1002
From: Chicago, IL, USA
Registered: Feb 2005
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posted 04-11-2010 01:45 PM
A man, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old Granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his Granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'
'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single moron, dip shit or horse's ass any where we went today!'
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