A father asked his five-year-old son just what he thought he did to earn a weekly allowance.

My next door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son.

Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids because you will never get it back."

One hot summer day my husband and I were cleaning a fan that had been in storage for the winter. We took it apart and thoroughly cleaned it. After we put it back together we were looking for an outlet to plug it in to my husband said " where are we gonna hook this up at?"

After over-hearing this my 4 year old son came out of his bedroom and said "Daddy I have a hooker for you!"

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air.

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does somethingwrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white."

I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old check.

They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?"

My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm." ..... "He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

One day my brother's wife went shopping and left him in charge of their 3 year-old daughter.

As he was watching the football game, his daughter was playing "tea party" and she was bringing him little cups of water to drink.

He would drink the "pretend tea" telling her it was really good. It wasn't until the third quarter of the football game that my brother realized that she was too young to reach the faucet in the bathroom from which she was bringing the water.

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

A teen-age girl brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, who are appalled by his appearance.

He has obscene tattoos and a pierced nose, and is wearing a leather jacket and motorcycle boots.

The parents are nice to the young man, but later take their daughter aside and confess their concern.

"Dear," says the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

Quotes From Kids

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
Age 11

I once heard the voice of God. It said, "Vrrrrmmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
Age 11

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I thing
about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
Age 15

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
Age 8

Home is where the house is.
Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
Age 5

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
Age 6

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
Age 15

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of usgot drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets usride on the fenders.

It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we eversee up here is logging trucks.

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like somescoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend alot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Waltsaid it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Brandon

P.S.: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

A young father watched adoringly as his small daughter played in the garden. Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground.

Curious, he approached and saw that she was watching two spiders mating.

"What are they doing daddy", she asked.

"They're mating" he replied.

"What do you call the one on top daddy?

"That's a Daddy Longlegs", he said.

"Well then, is the other one a Mommy Longlegs"?

"No, they're both Daddy Longlegs".

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

--Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry.God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

--Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

--Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married.

--Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on Whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

--Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

--Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

--Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

--Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

--Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

--Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.

--Theodore, age 8

Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

--Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

How true this can be...

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.