posted 04-09-2002 12:02 PM                       

Rated G

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandpa, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

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posted 04-17-2002 06:52 AM                       

Rated G

A young lad was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about to breastfeed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very large breast
and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth.

"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" the lad asked.

"Relax, mate. She's just feeding him," the father replied.

"Get outta here!" the boy, exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all of that!"

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posted 04-23-2002 07:24 AM                       

Rated G

"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me."

"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me alone."

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posted 04-30-2002 07:29 AM                       

Rated G

The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education.

Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."

The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"

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posted 04-30-2002 08:09 AM                       

Peedy Gonzalez.

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posted 05-01-2002 08:35 AM                       

Rated G California Mom

One day my eight year old son and my neighbors daughter walked up to me as I was hanging up wash on the backyard clothes line.

As they stood there holding hands, my son asks, "Mommy, can Patty and I get married?"

Well as I tried to keep from laughing, I answered him, "Bradley,you and Patty are too little to get married".

Thinking that this was a good answer, I returned to hanging up laundry.

"But Mommy, Patty and I just want a little wedding".

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posted 05-01-2002 08:27 PM                       

Rated G Anonymous Author

I work in a pharmacy and a lot of customers(men) bring in prescriptions for "viagra" to be filled.

My daughter and I were in the grocery store one day and a man that comes into the pharmacy asked me out loud "when are you going to give me some viagra"?

My daughter , of course heard him and asked me what that was. I did not know what to say to her and just changed the subject.

She then answered to me "I know what it is"......It is medicine to make you poop!!!

I said yes trying to hold back from cracking up!!!

She is 10 years old and to this day, she tells all of our family members what viagra is...!!!!

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posted 05-10-2002 10:15 AM                       

Rated PG

A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.

"What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

"I want one," said the child.

The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but
the little girl persisted.

"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."

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posted 05-15-2002 12:49 PM                       

Rated G

The Cost of a Child

The government recently calculated the cost of raising achild from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle-income family.Talk about sticker shock. That doesn't even touch college tuition. For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the things we could have bought, all the places we could have traveled, all the money we could have banked if not for (insert child's name here). For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless.

But $160,140.00 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day. Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be rich.

It's just the opposite. There's no way to put a price tag on: Feeling a new life move for the first time and seeing the bump of a knee rippling across your skin.Having someone cry, "It's a boy!" or shout, "It's a girl!" then hearing the baby wail and knowing all that matters is it's healthy.Counting all 10 fingers and toes for the first time.Feeling the warmth of fat cheeks against your breast.Cupping an entire head in the palm of your hand.Making out da da or ma ma from all the cooing and gurgling.

What do you get for your $160,140.00?Naming rights. First, middle and last. Glimpses of God every day.Giggles under the covers every night.More love than your heart can hold.Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds and warm cookies.A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, buildingsandcastles and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140.00, you never have to grow up.You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to keep reading the adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies and wishing on stars.

You get to frame rainbows, hearts and flowers underrefrigerator magnets and collect spray-painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140.00, there's no greater bang for your buck.You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a sliver, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front-row seat to history to witness the firststep, first word, first date, first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.

You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminaljustice, communications and human sexuality no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.

You have the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away monstersunder the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever and love them without limits, so one day they will like you.

Love without counting the cost.

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posted 05-16-2002 04:17 PM                       

Rated G

"Can people predict the future with cards?"

"My mother can."

"Really?"

"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home"

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posted 05-17-2002 07:52 AM                       

Rated G

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

B---Basic
I---Instructions
B---Before
L---Leaving
E---Earth

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posted 05-20-2002 01:17 AM                       

Rated G

Two fathers at this club were discussing their daughters in their respective families. "What do you think?" said one. Should I send my daughter to college or not?"

"Well, I'll tell you my experience. It may help you to decide. It cost me three thousand dollars a semester to sent Penelope tcollege, and it took her four years to capture a husband.

I spent a thousand to send Alice to the beach for three weeks, and she came home married. I recommend the beach." :|

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posted 05-22-2002 07:18 AM                       

Rated G

One afternoon my little kindergardener got home from school and said, "Mommy I got in trouble for something I didn't do."

So I asked," Well, what didn't you do?"

She looked upset. "I didn't do my homework."

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posted 05-31-2002 07:49 AM                       

Rated G

My daughter Kara says: (nwod esion taht nruT)

If the religious fanatics are so worried about(trohs oot si triks tahT) Satanic backward masked messages being inserted into pop records, why (moor ruoy ydiT) don't they makeup their own books, pop records, televisionprograms (kcolc'o net erofeb ereh kcab eB)
and Internet jokes and put their own backward(dehsinif krowemoh ruoy teG) masked messages into them.

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posted 05-31-2002 11:26 AM                       

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