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Author Topic: Kids and Grand Children Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 01:56 PM                        Rated G Freeloader The teenager ask's his father for a few words of wisdom before he leaves to move into his own apartment. His father looks at him for a couple of seconds and says "Never fry bacon while you're naked"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 08:36 AM                        Rated G A TEENAGER who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church.After a wild ride,they finally reached their destination. The driver's mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you." "Anytime," her daughter replied. As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 01:19 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee It was one of the worst days of my life:The washing machine broke down,the telephone kept ringing,my head ached,and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay.Almost to the breaking point,I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray,and began to cry. Without a word,my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 01:33 PM                        Rated G Michele One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark. He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was. She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom. His mother smiled and said, 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said, 'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 03:35 PM                        Rated G A father,who worked away from home all week,always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for a drive in the car. One particular Sunday however, he was so full of a cold that he really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily,his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out. They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father. "Well" the father asked,"did you enjoy your ride with mummy?" "Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what... we didn't see a single bastard!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 03:39 PM                        Rated G The parents of two boys (14 and 16 year-olds) went on a trip for the weekend with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left alone at home. That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad's car,pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 16 year-old boy could drive a bit but was too scared. After some nagging he gave in and off they went to enjoy the evening. When they got back to the car after a lot of discothequeing, they noticed a huge dent in the rear of the car - someone must have bumped into the car and drove off. Frantically they phoned their friends to find a panelbeater- spraypainter to fix their dad's car. Finally they found one who said they must have the car at his house early next morning. The car was fixed properly and they parked it back in the garage that afternoon. Their parents returned the next day but the boys were too terrified to say anything about the accident. The father went to get something from the garage, came back very amazed and said to the family in the lounge,"A miracle has happened! A guy drove into the back of my car on Thursday and now it is fixed without a scratch!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2003 09:43 AM                        Rated G Michele My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. That's when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband's head. He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?" After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply, "Not physically."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2003 09:47 AM                        Rated G Mom Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50.She received the money promptly,along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom;keep up the good work."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2003 01:48 PM                        Rated G Michele Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words.From the back seat of the car she'd ask,"Mom, what does FGRPL spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask,"Mom, what does DOEB spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn answered. This went on for several weeks.Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked,"Mom,what does LMDZ spell?" Kathryn smiled at her and said,"Nothing,sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon,sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2003 01:51 PM                        Rated G Michele We childproofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 07:45 AM                        Rated G Michele Sound travels slowly.Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 40s.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2003 09:39 AM                        Rated PG Dad took his little boy to Walmart. Of course, as you walk in the machines with prizes in them are irresistible. Dad gives in as he wants the boy to be occupied. The kid inserts 2 quarters. and gets the little clear balls with toys inside. The kid removes the toy, puts the little plastic covers in his back pockets and they continue on in to shop. Now they are standing in line waiting to check out. The boy is by now bored and fussy -- becoming very irritable and dad's frustration is mounting. Finally, dad picks the kid up and sits him firmly down on the counter. The boy immediately starts wailing and dad says "Stop that!" The son replies between screams, "But dad, you busted my little balls!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2003 12:38 PM                        Rated G Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times have I got to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being." There was a silence,and Teddy reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that." "Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-19-2003 12:16 PM                        Rated G Michele Laws of Parenting -- The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning. -- For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. -- Toys multiply to fill any space available. -- The longer it takes you to make a meal,the less your child will like it. -- Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. -- If the shoe fits...it's expensive. -- The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. -- The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet. -- Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-19-2003 12:18 PM                        Rated G Michele All eyes were on the lovely bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the pastor smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back a credit card.  |  IP: Logged

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