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Author Topic: Kids and Grand Children Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 10:48 AM                        Rated R "My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 02:21 PM                        Rated G Kathy offered to care for the six-year-old son of her next-door neighbor. She arrived in time to prepare breakfast,laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. "Mother always serves hot biscuits for breakfast,"said the six-year-old. So,Kathy,very eager to oblige,then hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot biscuits,which she laid in front of the boy. "No, thank you," he said. "But I thought you said your mother always prepares hot biscuits for breakfast!" said Kathy in surprise. "She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 10:09 PM                        Rated G Michele Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2003 07:44 PM                        Rated G At the next table in a fast food restaurant,one youngster was sobbing because he didn't get the toy he wanted with his food. Another dumped his drink over his sister's burger because she was stealing his fries. Then the smallest fell off his chair. Clearly at the end of her rope,the mother dragged the boy up from the floor,placed him back into his chair,and said,"Shut up, all of you, and eat your Happy Meals!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2003 06:01 AM                        Rated G ..................... Michele Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life," and feel nothing? When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my son's head. I asked, "When do you stop worrying?" The nurse said, "When they get out of the accident stage." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing. When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, "Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing. When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, "They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing. By the time I was 50, I was sick and tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments. My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my mother's warm smile and her occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?"Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life? One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered. I was worried." I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 02:28 PM                        Rated G One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon,she and her husband tried it out.Almost immediately,smoke billowed out of the toaster."Get the owner's manual!"her husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!"she cried, searching through the box. "Oops!"came a voice from the kitchen."Well, the toast is fine,but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 10:11 AM                        Rated G More Children's Wisdom For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas. THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING): Rumor has it these kids grew up to be PROJECTION TECHNICIANS. 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. 22. It will however make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 11:57 AM                        Rated X A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach.As the boy walked along the beach,he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's,and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer,goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer,the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after,the boy returned again.He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 08:54 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee My sister brought her daughter a really nice Spinet Piano for her birthday. A few weeks later,I asked my sister how her daughter was doing. "Oh,"she said,"I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?"I asked. "Well," my sister answered,"because with a clarinet,she can't sing...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 09:18 AM                        Rated G .........Sue Bee The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived,they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said."My son asked me for the keys to the garage,and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 09:23 AM                        Rated G ............ Sue Bee A teen-aged boy with spiked hair,nose ring,and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend: "I don't really like to dress like this,but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 09:52 AM                        Rated G It Pays To Advertise. After rollerblading up and down a crowded boardwalk in San Diego, I sat down to rest and observe passersby.I watched a young father riding a bicycle with his toddler strapped snugly into a seat behind him. On the back of the baby's seat was this sign:"My dad's single.To meet him call -- 555-1234."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 08:03 AM                        Rated G Graduation Day It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of thier son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "Let's try to make this look natural "she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 08:38 AM                        Rated G At The Doctors Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing. "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy. "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl. When he heard this, the little boy started to cry. "Why are you crying?" asked the girl. The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 09:20 AM                        Rated G Very wise children "Never trust a dog to watch your food." - Patrick, aged 10. "When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?". "Don't answer."- Hannah, aged 9. "Never tell your mum her diet's not working." - Michael, aged 14. "Stay away from prunes." - Randy, aged 9. "Don't squat with your spurs on." - Noronha, aged 13. "Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to." - Emily, aged 10. "When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." - Taylia, aged 11. "Never allow your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment." - Traci, aged 14. "Don't sneeze in front of your mum when you're eating crackers." - Mitchell, aged 12. "Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." - Andrew, aged 9. "Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, aged 9. "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." - Armir, aged 9. "Don't wear polka-dotted underwear under white shorts." - Kellie, aged 11. "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." - Naomi, aged 15. "Felt pens are not good to use as lipstick." - Lauren, aged 9. "Don't pick on your sister when she"s holding a baseball bat." - Joel, aged 10. "When you get a bad grade at school, show it to your mum when she's on the phone." - Alyesha, aged 13. "Never try to baptise a cat." - Eileen, aged 8  |  IP: Logged

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