my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Kids and Grand Children (Page 12)

This topic comprises 36 pages: 1  2  3  ...  9  10  11  12  13  14  15  ...  34  35  36

Author Topic: Kids and Grand Children Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 03:37 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?" "Certainly not." "If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop." His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?" "He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2003 08:16 AM                        Rated G Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch." "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. So Mary bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going. "Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2003 08:32 AM                        Rated G As the seventh of eight children,my son Isaac is used to hand-me-downs.He was very excited on his eighth birthday,therefore,when we took him to a store to choose a watch.A clerk demonstrated the features to him: "This is the hour hand,this is the minute hand,and this is the second hand." With that,Isaac's face fell."Secondhand? I thought we were buying a new one!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 04:14 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent. Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer." "Nope,"the chap replied."I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 11:32 AM                        Rated G Sandy Wright While driving with my two year old grandson from Chicago to Wisconsin to pick up his mother at a rock concert we were stuck in a traffic jam. Luckily he slept through most of it, but when he woke up his comments were precious. Just push them out of the way gramma, or drive over them. I had to start up a conversation to get his mind off the traffic so I started telling him about how it is to grow up and how he had all kinds of adventures ahead of him. He listened intently until I said the words - when you grow up and become a daddy. "Oh no gramma. No, No, No! Not me. I'm just going to be a boy!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 08:02 AM                        Rated G I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter that escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges in California's Bay Area. But what my father told his friend was, "She's involved in some sort of escort service."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 08:16 AM                        Rated G Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?" Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy." Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise." Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2003 03:54 PM                        Rated R Two of the most difficult subjects parents can broach with their children are death and sexuality. So when I candidly told my son about masturbation,I explained that it was okay and natural. I also reminded him that if he did it,all his dead relatives in heaven would be watching.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2003 06:06 AM                        Rated G Michele Esther Cohen was the mother of three, very active small boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers with them in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up for 20 minutes,a neighbor came over to see if she had been hurt in the fall. When the neighbor bent over,the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. This is the only chance I've had to rest all day."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 07:23 PM                        Rated G Realizing that I'd put on a pound or two,I lamented to my husband, "I'm fat." And right on cue he said what all good husbands must:"You're not fat." To support his position, he added,"Just look around you at others,and you will see that you are not fat." But our daughter,a high schooler,saw through it: "Mom,he's grading you on the curve!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 08:42 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigree pup for her birthday. An hour later,while wandering through the house,he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 10:17 AM                        Rated G Louise Potato Puppy My four-year-old son, Shane, had been asking for a puppy for over a month but his Daddy kept saying, "No dogs! A dog will dig up the garden and chase the ducks and kill our rabbits. No dog, and that's final!" Each night Shane prayed for a puppy, and each morning he was disappointed when there was no puppy waiting outside. I was peeling potatoes for dinner, and he was sitting on the floor at my feet asking for the thousandth time, "Why won't Daddy let me have a puppy?" "Because they are a lot of trouble. Don't cry. Maybe Daddy will change his mind someday," I encouraged him. "No, he won't and I'll never have a puppy in a million years," Shane wailed. I looked into his dirty, tear-streaked face. How could we deny him his one wish? So I said the words that were first spoken by Eve, "I know a way to make Daddy change his mind." "Really?" Shane wiped away his tears and sniffed. I handed him a potato. "Take this and carry it with you until it turns into a puppy," I whispered. "Never let it out of your sight for one minute. Keep it with you all the time, and on the third day, tie a string around it and drag it around the yard and see what happens!" Shane grabbed the potato with both hands. "Mama, how do you make a potato into a puppy?" He turned it over and over in his little hands. "Shh! It's a secret!" I whispered and sent him on his way."Lord, you know what a woman must do to keep peace in her home!" I prayed. Shane faithfully carried his potato around for two days, he slept with it, bathed with it and talked to it. On the third day I said to my husband, "We really should get a pet for Shane." "What makes you think he needs a pet?" my husband leaned against the doorway. "Well, he's been carrying a potato around with him for days. He calls it Wally and says it is his pet. He sleeps with it on his pillow and right now he has a string tied to it and he's dragging it around the yard," I said. "A potato?" my husband asked and looked out the window and watched Shane taking his potato for a walk. "It will break his heart when the potato gets mushy and rots," I said and started getting out food for lunch. "Besides, every time I try to peel potatoes for dinner, Shane cries because he says I'm killing Wally's family." "A potato?" my husband asked, "My son has a pet potato?" "Well," I said shrugging, "you said he couldn't have a puppy. He was so disappointed, in his mind he decided he had to have a pet...." "That's crazy!" my husband said. "Maybe you're right, but explaine to me why he is dragging that potato around the yard on a string," I said. My husband watched our son for a few minutes. "I'll bring home a puppy tonight. I'll stop by the animal shelter after work. I guess a puppy can't be that much trouble," he sighed, "It's better than a potato." That night Shane's Daddy brought home a wiggling puppy and a pregnant white cat that he took pity on while he was at the shelter. Everyone was happy. My husband thought he'd saved his son from a nervous breakdown. Shane had a puppy, a cat and five kittens and belived his Mother had magic powers that could change a potato into a puppy. And I was happy because I got my potato back and cooked it for dinner. Everything was perfect until one evening when I was cooking dinner, Shane tugged on my dress and asked, "Mama, do you think I could have a pony for my birthday?" I looked into his sweet little face and said, "Well, first we have to take a watermelon........" Author Unknown  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 10:45 AM                        Rated G None Of These Diseases A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says,"Grandpa,they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies,"Nope." Teen says,"Well,what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies,"A wedding ring."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-11-2003 07:53 PM                        Rated G Alex As a vacation for the parents more than the kids,some people send their kids to camp. Imagine how frantic one Mother became when she received a post card with: "Dear Mom,I told you ifyou made me go to camp something terrible would happen. Well,it did. Love, Bonnie."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-11-2003 07:55 PM                        Rated G On Mother's Day,my seven-year-old son couldn't wait to present me with a book of poetry he had written about me.Part of it was an acrostic of my name,Victoria,with an adjective describing me next to each letter. Beside "I" he had written "intelligent," next to the "C," "caring,"and for the "O," "outstanding." I was swelling with pride until I came to the final "A." Next to it my son had written "able to scream." [ 05-12-2003, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 36 pages: 1  2  3  ...  9  10  11  12  13  14  15  ...  34  35  36

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.