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Author Topic: Kids and Grand Children Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2003 07:15 AM                        Rated G ED in Aurora, Ont. Your Angel Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born. The child asked God,"They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?" God replied, "Among the angels, I'll choose one for you. Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you." The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy." God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every day. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy." Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?" God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak." "And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?" God said,"Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray." "I've heard that on Earth there are bad people.Who will protect me?" God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life." "But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore." God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you." At that moment there was much peace in heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now,please tell me my angel's name." Her name is not important. You will simply call her "Grandma".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 05:47 AM                        Rated G A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied,"Beer and women."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 03:40 PM                        Rated G Becky When my daughter was little, we took a vacation to Florida. Seated on the airplane near the wing, I pointed out to Rhonda that we were above the ocean. "Can you see the water?" I asked her. "No," she said, peering out the window at the wing, "but I can see the diving board." --Reader's Digest, submitted by Rebecca Ricci.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 10:21 PM                        Rated G After Jane's son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Jane sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes. A little later, Jane heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?" There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2003 05:06 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues Kids Pray I love kids letters about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer. When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this and the memory still remains in my heart. Groton, Mass. My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary,full of grapes." Missoula, Mont. My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father,who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?" Uniontown, Ohio. I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread." Covina, Calif. I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag." Cleveland, Ohio. When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag . . . And to the republic for Richard Stands." Tampa, Fla. When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read. Oak Harbor, Wash. When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat." Grand Junction, Colo. When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2003 07:46 AM                        Rated G No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care. But she never gives up hope. While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window. "Look," she whispered, "death row."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2003 07:48 AM                        Rated G My husband has always had a beard. One day, he decided to shave it off. He came into the room where my 3 year old granddaughter Tiffany was and asked her, "Notice anything different?" To which she replied, "No," with a puzzled look on her face. My husband then said to her, "My beard's gone." Now the puzzled look disappeared and the innocent eyes appeared when she said "I didn't take it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2003 09:09 AM                        Rated G Peggy While I was reading the obituaries one day I was surprised to read of a forty year old who had passed away.I told my husband, "Listen to this, a 40 year old male died from an apparent heart attack." My nine year old son was listening and asked, "Why would any parent want to give his own kid a heart attack?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2003 08:11 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee The wedding day was fast approaching.Everything was ready,and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement,not even her parents' nasty divorce.Her mother Sue finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER! A week later,Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother,Barbie,had purchased the same dress as Jennifer's mother's.She asked Barbie to exchange the dress,but Barbie refused,"Absolutely not!I'm going to wear this dress;I'll look like a million in it!" Jennifer told her mother,who graciously replied,"Never mind dear.I'll get another dress,after all it's YOUR special day, not hers." Two weeks later,another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch,Jennifer asked her mother,"What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it.You don't have any place to wear it." Sue grinned and replied,"Of course,I do,dear!I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!" Now what woman wouldn't like this story?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2003 12:35 PM                        Rated G Watching a TV program about conditions in Britain during WW2 with grandson aged 4. Grandson said "Granddad was it like that when you were alive?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 12:49 PM                        Rated G :)Becky "Hole Ting" ========== Hole Ting Hole Ting Hole Ting That's what my two-year-old says. He has developed the habit of wanting it all. My wife will often offer him a spoonful of food from her plate. I will break off a piece of what I am eating and hand it to him. He shakes his head. He emphatically says, "Hole Ting." He doesn't want a piece. He doesn't want a spoonful. He wants the whole thing. I wondered, "Where did he get such behavior?" Who taught him that? Where did he pick it up? Hole Ting? Why didn't he want to share? Why wasn't he satisfied with what was given to him? Wasn't the piece sufficient? The piece was plenty and he could get as many as he could eat. Why did he want the whole thing? Was he acting like a child or an adult? As I watched other children, I saw that it was more innate for children to want the whole thing. They wanted the whole toy without sharing. They wanted all of mama's attention. They wanted the swing or the tricycle all of the time. Hole Ting Many of the conflicts and wars are over the same thing. People don't want to share. They want it all. Hole Ting It's not just for kids anymore.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 05:40 PM                        Rated G ........Sue Bee When your teen is learning to drive, don't yell at them for knocking off the side mirror of a parked car, compliment them on missing the rest of the car.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 05:37 PM                        Rated G Azuree Some cute kid quotes from my niece's NickJr. magazine: "Mom, it's some man named Fred Ex--can I open the door?" -Noah, 6, after politely asking "Who is it?" when the doorbell rang. "I'm not taking any questions today" -Sommer, 4, when asked by her grandmother if she'd been a good girl that day. "Well, I closed my eyes..." -Taylor, 2 1/2, in response to the question "How did you sleep last night?" "I can't go to sleep--I'm nocturnal!" -Hannah, 4 1/2, after being told it was past her bedtime. "The artist forgot to color it in." -Cory, 5, upon seeing his first black-and-white TV show. "Allergic is Spanish for sneezing." -Charley, 4, trying to define an unfamiliar word.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 02:03 PM                        Rated G This is guaranteed to make anyone who has potty trained a kid laugh! My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean.  Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me.Then I said, " Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident ?" "No", he replied.  I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse.  Sooooo.....I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident ?" Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and  yelled....  "SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS !!!" While 20 people nearly chokedto death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!  Some kind, elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had !!!  Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time....I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 03:30 PM                        Rated G Janine Blanche:Why didn't you go to the party, Little Joey? Little Joey:Because the invitation said "from 4 to 7", and I'm 8.  |  IP: Logged

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