"Hey, Dad, can you write in the dark?"

"I think so, son. What is it you want me to write?"

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.If one said the t.v. was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. They were opposite in every way. One was an eternal optimist, the other a doom-and-gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night, the father passed by the pessimist's room and found his son sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous. I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found his son dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

"What are you so happy about?" the father asked.

Two little boys were engaging in the time honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.

"My father is better than your father!"
"No, he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!"
"He is not! He is not!!!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"

A long pause ensured...

A little boy about the age of ten had a real bad stuttering problem.

He also had another problem: His father had a scanner and he could never tell his father any gossip that was going on in his neighborhood first. His dad always heard it first on the scanner.

One day the little boy was walking home from school and he saw a car crash.

He thought to himself, "Dad can't know about this yet." So he ran just as fast as he could home. "DDDDAAAADD!!!! CCAARR CCRRAASHH down the rrrrooad."

His dad replied, "Sorry son, already heard it on the scanner."

Son: "ffffucckiing sccanner"

The following day the little boy was walking home from school again and saw a house was on fire.

He thought, "Dad can't know about this yet." So he ran just as fast as he could home. "DDDDAADD!!! HHOUSSE on FFFIRE DDown the RROad."

Dad: "Sorry son, already heard it on the scanner."

Son: "fffuckkinng sccccanner"

A couple days went by. The little boy was walking down the road as he sees a pig on a neighbors lawn.

He thought to himself, "I'll get dad this time!!!" So he run up to the pig and he screws it.

When he is finished he runs home as fast as he could. Son: "DDAAD, LLOst mmmy virrrgginitty ttoday."

Dad: "In a pig's ass you did."

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

A high school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy. "It's my grades. They're all wet."

"What do you mean 'all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."

"Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle-of-the-night feeding?"

"No. I always did that."

"That must have been before you had women's liberation."

Are farts really flammable?

Yes. People WITH more matches than sense try to prove this all the time. Many of them get their body hair singed, or worse. One statistic indicates that close to one-quarter of the people who try this get burned. Methane and hydrogen are both in farts and are both flammable gases. Word has it that the results tend to be yellow or blue flames; however, they can't always be easily seen.

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled
against his father.

He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear andhis piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What
if you get hungry?', he said

'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child.

'And what if you run out of money?'.

'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes
get dirty?'.

'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.

An Italian named Uncle Vito buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of, "WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father, Uncle Vito, answered, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned and asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. I've read in the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

Our family held a reunion when my mother was 88 years old, with grandchildren and great-grandchildren attending. The talk turned to honeymoons, and my three daughters began to tell about their trips to Las Vegas, Chicago and Niagara Falls.

One of my daughters turned to my mother. "Gramma, where did you go on your honeymoon?" she asked.

Selma Telephones Home With Some Exciting News:

"Mama, I got married."

"Mazel tov," says Mama.

"I might as well tell you, Mama, he's not of our faith."

"So he's a goy. But am I prejudiced?"

"But, Mama, he's also black."

"So he's a schvartzeh. By me, everybody should be tolerant."

"Well, frankly, Mama, he's also unemployed."

"So, you'll support him. A wife should help her husband."

"But, Mama, we have no place to live."

"Don't worry, Selma, dear. You'll move in with us."

"But Mama, you have only one bedroom."

"That's okay. You and your husband can have the bedroom."

"Yes, Mama, but where will you and Papa sleep?"

"Papa can sleep on the couch in the living room."