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Topic: Kids and Grand Children
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-22-2004 06:55 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
+++++++
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
+++++
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a
particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
++++++
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
+++++
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
+++++
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-22-2004 12:24 PM
Rated G
13 Signs Your Parents Don't Like Your Date:
13: "Betty should be down in a minute... she's putting on her cold sore medicine.
12: Say, son, you ever see a real hemorrhoid up close?"
11: It's difficult to set the mood with that distracting red dot from Daddy's scope on his forehead.
10. Mom keeps checking his head for sixes.
9. After quietly bailing you out, they didn't bother sending the
Secret Service guys back to get *him* out of jail, too.
8. They just stare at him like they've never seen anyone with a
pierced eyeball before.
7. "So,Chris,is it? Listen,funny-boy,if you want to keep
dating my little girl,you're going to have to get a REAL
job."
6. You roll in around midnight,and your mother's there waiting at the door with a field sobriety test and a syringe full of
penicillin.
5. They didn't even like him when he was *their* high school gym
teacher.
4. Every time they smell him coming, they start whistling the
"Old Spice" theme.
3. They insist that you go upstairs and change.Into a lesbian.
2. Your dad keeps attaching refrigerator magnets to his face
piercings.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Parents Don't Approve of Your Date...
1. Dinner was going so well until your father said, "Tell your
slut to pass the broccoli."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-22-2004 12:24 PM
Rated G
13 Signs Your Parents Don't Like Your Date:
13: "Betty should be down in a minute... she's putting on her cold sore medicine.
12: Say, son, you ever see a real hemorrhoid up close?"
11: It's difficult to set the mood with that distracting red dot from Daddy's scope on his forehead.
10. Mom keeps checking his head for sixes.
9. After quietly bailing you out, they didn't bother sending the
Secret Service guys back to get *him* out of jail, too.
8. They just stare at him like they've never seen anyone with a
pierced eyeball before.
7. "So,Chris,is it? Listen,funny-boy,if you want to keep
dating my little girl,you're going to have to get a REAL
job."
6. You roll in around midnight,and your mother's there waiting at the door with a field sobriety test and a syringe full of
penicillin.
5. They didn't even like him when he was *their* high school gym
teacher.
4. Every time they smell him coming, they start whistling the
"Old Spice" theme.
3. They insist that you go upstairs and change.Into a lesbian.
2. Your dad keeps attaching refrigerator magnets to his face
piercings.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Parents Don't Approve of Your Date...
1. Dinner was going so well until your father said, "Tell your
slut to pass the broccoli."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-30-2004 07:46 AM
Rated G Will@Marshall
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day,"what was your
favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,all the food was
slow." I informed him.
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?" He asked.
"It was a place called 'at home," I explained. "Grandma cooked
every day and when Grandpa got home from work,we sat down
together at the dining room table,and if I didn't like what she
put on my plate,I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time,the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was
going to suffer serious internal damage,so I didn't tell him the
part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.But
here are some other things I would have told him about my
childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house,wore Levis,set foot on
a golf course,traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card.The card was good only at Sears Roebuck.Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck.Either way,there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice,This was mostly
because we had never heard of soccer.I had a bicycle that weighed around 50 lb. with only 1 speed,(slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11,but my
grandparents had one before that.It was, of course,black and
white,but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the
screen.The top third was blue,like the sky,and the bottom
third was green, like grass.The middle third was red.It was
perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day.Some people had a lens taped to the front of their TVs to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza,it was called "pizza
pie." I burned the roof of my mouth & the cheese slid off,swung
down & plastered itself against my chin burning it also.It's
still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15.Before that,the only car in
our family was my grandfather's Ford.He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room.The only phone in the house
was in the living room.It was on a party line,so before dialing,
you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home.But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys & all boys delivered
newspapers. I delivered newspapers, 6 days a week. It cost 7
cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers.My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents & told me to keep the change.My least favorite
customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut.At least,they did in
the movies.Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called
French kissing & they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies.French movies were dirty & we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you
may want to share some of these memories with your children or
grandchildren.Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing
Growing up isn't what it used to be,is it?
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George in St. Louis 
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