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Author Topic: Kids and Grand Children Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 12:02 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A young boy about five or six years was talking on the telephone. As his Dad listened on, the youngster told his grandparents dejectedly, "Mom is in the hospital, so the twins and Suzie and Billy and Sally and Max-the-dog and me and Dad are home all alone."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 08:09 AM                        Rated G JerseyT My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long. "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-24-2003 08:06 AM                        Rated G KNJ Smooth Operators My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know",he replied."It's a fad me and some of the guys started". Weeks later,as the style persisted,I commented:"I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair. "Yeah," he said, smiling slyly. "All the girls do." Readers Digest  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-24-2003 08:22 AM                        Rated G Michele One evening, long ago, the family was having dinner.My father was always giving special attention to my 3 year old sister. He put her food on her plate, and then to be sure that it was cool enough, he leaned over and blew on her food for what seemed like a long time. Finally, my little sister had enough of looking at the big bald spot on dad's head. With all the contempt that a 3-year old could muster, she said, "Eat your own dinner!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-25-2003 05:59 AM                        Rated G KNJ My husband,Cal,grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight,he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong. "I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him. "Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?" "No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address." --Reader's Digest  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-25-2003 06:54 AM                        Rated G KNJ As the father of five young children, I commented at the dinner table one evening that they hadn't missed me while I was away on a two-week business trip. But my six-year-old daughter explained, "That's because Mommy never told us you were gone."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-28-2003 06:49 PM                        Rated G Things I have learned from my Children. For those with no children - thisis totally hysterical! For those who already have children past this age,this ishilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have Children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yethad children,this is birth control. READ to the end!! The following came from ananonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strongenough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Supermancape.It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit bya ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year child. 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably don't want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig wastrying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read: "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid... [ 10-10-2003, 07:53 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2003 07:54 AM                        Rated G One day I took my 6-year-old son with me to visit a friend at work. Everyone there knew me, and I was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees went to make more coffee, my son followed her and asked, "What are you doing?" "I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered. Imagine my shock when I heard my son say, "Wow! You know how to make beer?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2003 07:57 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college.One day in a seminar class,they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class,my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university,so when he went home,he tried to continue the discussion with his family.With maximum drama,he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water.Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.He proudly asked his family,"Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty." Without missing a beat,his grandmother replied,"Depends if you're drinking or pouring."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2003 01:17 PM                        Rated G Michele When my son first start dating he said, "I want to marry a good woman, a smart woman, one who'll be a good mother to our kids, a woman who will make me happy." I told him he'd better make up his mind.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 07:11 AM                        Rated G Michele My three-year-old daughter and I went shopping with my mother.A rather large woman,Mom sometimes has a tough time finding just the right fit. When my mother picked out a yellow suit,my daughter went into the dressing room with her.A moment later Mom asked her how she liked the outfit. My daughter replied,"Oh, Nana, you look so pretty---just like a big yellow school bus." The suit stayed in the dressing room.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 08:24 AM                        Rated G Michele When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom? She doesn't like the skin either."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:17 PM                        Rated G Michele Laws of Parenting *The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning. *For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. *Toys multiply to fill any space available. *The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. *Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. *If the shoe fits...it's expensive. *The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. *The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet. *Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2003 07:30 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Little Sally was spending the weekend with her grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.Her grandmother decided to take her to the park on Saturday morning.It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. Her grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Sally said,"Yes,God did it and he did it left-handed." This confused her grandmother a bit,and she asked her,"What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Sally,"we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2003 07:32 AM                        Rated G Lainey A large family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression,but the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily,"Mommy,the lady down the street asked my name today!" "Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?" "Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said.  |  IP: Logged

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