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Author Topic: Kids and Grand Children Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 09:38 AM                        Rated G Michele My husband and I decided to take our two children,then ages seven and three,to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table. Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!" The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said. "Quality time!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 09:49 AM                        Rated G Michele As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good,why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-05-2003 07:33 AM                        Rated G A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking anadjoining room. But finally,an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say,"I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly,"He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-05-2003 01:34 PM                        Rated G B.B. The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard. The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled. It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions." "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 08:53 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A college freshman comes home for Christmas after being away all semester. Her father looks her up and down, then says, "Aren't you a lot fatter than when you went away?" "Yes I am, Dad," the girl admits. "I weigh 140 pounds stripped for gym." The father stares at her for a moment in horrified amazement. Finally, he shouts, "Well, tell me this: Just who in the devil is Jim?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 09:17 AM                        Rated G Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?" "Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life." "What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood.The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation.Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely." "How about you?" "Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 08:19 PM                        Rated G Michele A teenaged girl asks her parents to let her test drive the new car. They are very doubtful, but finally agree. When she comes back a few hours later, they want to hear about how it went. She looks at them nervously, and says, "Do you want me to tell you now or do you want to read about it in the newspaper tomorrow?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-12-2003 09:55 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair."Don't be angry," the mother says,"Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later,there's more crying,and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says,"She knows now." [ 09-14-2003, 06:26 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 06:26 AM                        Rated G Father: Now, Michael, don't be selfish.Let your sister have the sled half the time. Michael: I do Dad.I have it going downhilland she has it going up.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 09:13 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement,her Father asked,"Does this fellow have any money?" The daughter shook her head sadly."Oh Daddy! You men are all alike." Sighing deeply,she replied,"That's exactly what he asked me about you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 09:40 AM                        Rated G Michele I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said."Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing.If he knows as little as I think he does,he's out swimming."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 12:13 PM                        Rated PG Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie, than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom LESSON OF THE DAY: NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 02:33 PM                        Rated G Michele I began thinking about my own mortality after I became a widow. One day my daughter called home from college,and I announced to her, "I think it's time for us to talk about where I would like to be buried." "It's way too soon to even think of anything like that," she snapped indignantly.Then there was a brief silence. "Wait a minute,did you say married or buried?" When I repeated buried,she said,"Oh, okay,sure."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 05:07 PM                        Rated G Michele I was having lunch with my nine-year-old son, when the waitress came by to ask if we wanted a drink. "I'll have a decapitated coffee," my son said facetiously. The waitress smiled and poured him a cup. Not to be outdone, she later returned with the coffeepot and said, "Can I put a head on that for you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 05:55 PM                        Rated G Michele A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car,when he asked,"Daddy,why is my apple turning brown?" "Because," his dad explained,"after you ate the skin off,the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize.That changes the molecular structure and turns it into a different color." There was a long silence.Then the son asked softly,"Daddy, are you talking to me?"  |  IP: Logged

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