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Author Topic: Kids and Grand Children Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2005 08:01 AM                        Rated G Kenny, my nine-year-old son, was struggling with his arithmetic homework when his older brother Larry strolled by. Looking over Kenny's shoulder, Larry said, "Oh, I see you're doing problems." A look of disgust passed across Kenny's face. "No, I'm not doing problems," he replied. "I'm having problems!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2005 09:49 PM                        Rated G Maggie I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2005 09:50 PM                        [b]Rated G Betsy Three-year-old Teddy walked into the living room and asked his very pregnant mother Maxine, "Where's the baby?" Maxime patted her swollen belly and said, "He's in my womb." Teddy wheeled around and ran into Maxine's bedroom. Moments later, he yelled out, "No he's not."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 12:43 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Why We Love Children 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ???" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" 4.One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm A mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." 6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" 7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, ! "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." 10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,eating a snack cake ... The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 12:09 PM                        Rated G Jennifer cried as her five-year-old daughter Maddie boarded the school bus for the first time. "Mommy, why are you crying?" asked Maddie. Jennifer, a pilot for a commercial airline, replied, "Because it's your first solo flight away from the nest." Maddie, looking stylish in her hot-pink, high-top tennis shoes and matching book bag, said, "Don't cry, Mommy. I'm going first-class."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 12:19 PM                        Rated G Mother: Why did you put a frog in your sister's bed? Jimmy: I couldn't find a snake.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2005 10:37 AM                        Rated G Crazy Aunt Maude received a letter one morning, and upon reading it burst into floods of tears. "What's the matter?" asked her companion. "Oh dear",sobbed Auntie,"It's my favorite nephew. He's got three feet." "Three feet?" exclaimed her friend. "Surely that's not possible?" "Well," said Auntie, "his mother's just written to tell me he's grown another foot !"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 11:46 AM                        Rated G Gerry Kids are cute, babies are cute, puppies are cute. The little things are cute. See, nature did this on purpose so that we would want to take care of our young. Tricked us. Then gradually they get older and older, until one day your mother sits you down and says. "You know, I think you're ugly enough to get your own apartment."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 12:10 PM                        Rated G Caroline I put some turnip, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year- old son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip. I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal. Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 12:34 PM                        Rated G I had posted signs early Saturday morning in our neighborhood advertising our garage sale, and even though it was raining, my sister and I were disappointed later when we had very few customers. As I went to take the signs down, I discovered why: My five-year-old nephew had given me one of his "washable" markers to use, and the rain had washed away our address.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 12:36 PM                        Rated G Visiting from the Yukon, my three-year-old niece viewed her grandma and grandpa's farm in Pennsylvania as an exciting adventure. She went with her grandparents on their round of evening chores and stood in wide-eyed wonder as her grandma took a stool, sat down beside a cow and began milking. After silently watching for several moments, she suddenly pointed to the milk that was steadily rising in the pail. "Oh, moose juice!" she exclaimed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2005 07:41 AM                        Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont.CA The Way Children See Things! NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when aWoman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock,I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment,then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then,'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read,"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's! hitting the bottle." MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted,the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,"What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" ELDERLY While working for an organization tha delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her.One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo,she warned,"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother."I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,"I think it's Adam's underwear  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-29-2005 02:41 PM                        Rated G I took my four-year-old daughter on a shopping trip. I was delighted when, after 20 minutes of circling, I found a place to park. As Amy and I were walking to the store, she suddenly exclaimed, "Mommy, I know why people have to die." Taken aback, I asked, "Why?" "Well, if they didn't," she replied, "there'd be no place to park!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-29-2005 02:59 PM                        Rated G My aunt and uncle had a missionary family visiting. When the missionary children were called in for dinner, their mother said, "Be sure to wash your hands." The little boy scowled and said, "Germs and Jesus. Germs and Jesus. That's all I hear, and I've never seen either one of them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2005 12:09 PM                        Rated G A little boy took the chair at the barbershop. "How would you like your hair cut today, son?" asked the barber. "Oh, do it like you do Daddy's, with the big hole at the back."  |  IP: Logged

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