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Author
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Topic: Police - Law Enforcement
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-09-2008 12:17 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) B.B.
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-22-2008 08:37 PM
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Answer:
Pose the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. When suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock 17, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
UK POLICE OFFICERS Answer: Well, that's not really enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 999?
Why is this street so deserted? Maybe we need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour?
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?
AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS Answer: BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICERS Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG. Click.
Apparently Australian’s are better shots………….
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-21-2008 11:46 AM
Rated PG Jokester
Police Reports
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
"How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
"I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 09-02-2008 02:24 PM
Rated G....
A New York lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy in Texas. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer.
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop. That's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-09-2008 06:52 AM
Rated PG Tony in Old Lyme
A Mafia don finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten million bucks.
The bookkeeper is deaf. That was why he got the job in the
first place --he couldn't hear anything he might repeat in court.
The don goes to see the bookkeeper, and brings along his
attorney, who knows sign language.
The don tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million is."
The attorney signs, "Where's the money?
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you're talking
about."
The attorney tells the don: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."
The don puts a gun to the bookkeeper's head and says,
"Ask him again!"
The attorney signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in
a brown leather briefcase, buried behind the shed in my
cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The don asks, "What'd he say?"
The attorney tell him, "He says, 'You don't have the balls to
pull the trigger.'"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-27-2008 07:41 AM
Rated G Lorraine
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why she had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside her and asked, "Does your dog have a license?"
"No," the woman said, "He doesn't need one."
"Yes, he does," answered the officer.
"But," said the driver, "I always do all the driving."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-23-2009 07:18 AM
Rated PG
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over
at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says,'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over,the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damnit,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.' The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking'
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