The FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Next the CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. But they can neither confirm nor deny their actions.

The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.

The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"

GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son.

She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

LBJ was speeding down the road near his west Texas ranch when a
State Trooper came along side and flagged him down. Getting out of
his car the trooper, brand new and anxious to write up his first
speeder, approached the car and as LBJ rolled down the window,
demanded:

"Lemme see your drivers license."

LBJ with a sneer asked: "Do you know who I am?"

"I don't care who you are, I wanna see your drivers license!"

Reluctantly, LBJ took out his wallet, extracted the license and
handed it to the trooper.

Looking at the license, the trooper blanched white.

"Know who I am now?" asked LBJ.

"Jesus Christ!!!" exclaimed the trooper.

As he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a local police officer. The motorist was given a ticket for failing to come to a full stop at a stop sign.

"Don't I get a warning?' he protested.

The officer replied, "Sure! If you don't come to a complete stop next time, you'll get another ticket."

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"the cop asked.

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.

The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds.

What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.

The fellow tried again.

"Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

A defense attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

A cop walking his usual beat sees an old man pulling a box on a leash, down a busy street. "Poor man," the cop thinks to himself. "I'd better go humor him."

"That' a nice dog you got there," says the cop to the old man.

"It isn't a dog, it's a box," replies the old man.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the policeman, "I thought you were simple-minded."

Rated G

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, "Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?"

"And then what happened?"

Did ya hear about the two wannabe police dogs named Timex and Rolex?

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Desormeaux to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight.
I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Desmoreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"