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Author Topic: Police - Law Enforcement Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2007 03:31 PM                        Rated G Lorraine We hadn't heard our alarm clock, so my husband and I were late. He rushed out to drive to work, and I followed about 15 minutes later. As I sped along, I suddenly spotted a policeman waving me over. He checked my license, then looked up and asked, "Does your husband drive a Firebird?" "Yes," I replied. He smiled and handed the license back. "I'll let you off this time. Your husband already got a ticket this morning."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2007 09:11 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A boy was caught stealing a watch from a shop. He was taken to a police station and put in a lock-up. A hardened criminal lodged there showed some sympathy and said, "You are wasting time on small items. Why don`t you rob a bank?" The boy replied, "By the time I leave school, all banks are closed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-18-2007 11:14 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked the driver if we could help. No, he replied, there was no trouble; he had just stopped for a rest. When we turned back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the open passenger-side front window of our car. "You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car." He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-19-2007 09:57 PM                        Rated PG Miss Martha A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot for lovers. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2007 10:31 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers A policeman brought four boys before a judge. "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said. "Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong." "My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2007 11:28 AM                        Rated G Lorraine As she rushed to work one morning, my co-worker was caught in a speed trap. Flustered, she fumbled in her wallet, quickly pulled out her driver's license and handed it to the police officer. He handed it back, chuckling, "You'll get points, ma'am, but not this kind." She had given him her credit card.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2007 11:30 AM                        Rated G Marty A patrolman and his canine partner detected a door ajar in an alley. When given the command to enter and seek, the dog headed for the open entrance but took only a few steps and stopped short. The cop then noticed the door sign that said, "Veterinarian's Office."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2007 04:01 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a lame."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2007 01:07 PM                        Rated G Drew Actual call to 911 Dispatcher: 911 Caller: Help! Help! Send the police, I've been shot! Dispatcher: You said you've been shot? Caller: I've been shot! Dispatcher: How many times were you shot? Caller: This is the first time.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-12-2007 06:42 PM                        Rated G Drew A friend of mine is an officer with the police department's canine division. One evening, the officer was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 01:12 PM                        Rated G Lorraine An elderly man was sued by his neighbor for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial the man approached the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge replied, "That is true." "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig whatever he wanted with no fear of legal action. The elderly gent looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2007 02:47 PM                        Rated G Drew Two judges are arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but agreed to try each other's cases the next morning. The first judge fines the second $2, but when it is the first judge's turn he gets a $50 fine. "Why did you do that?" says the first judge. "I only fined you $2." "I know," says his friend. "But there's far too much of this thing going on these days. Yours is the second case this morning."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2008 03:21 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. You Gotta Love A Good Nurse. A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got the energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2008 07:22 AM                        Rated G Florida's got it right. Bravo for Sheriff Judd!!! POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD Some "dirtbag" in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times. Now here's the kicker: Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel: "That's all the bullets we had!" Talk about an all time classic answer!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2008 02:40 PM                        Rated When Grandma Goes To Court Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.' Until Next Time, Smile  |  IP: Logged

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