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Author
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Topic: Police - Law Enforcement
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-13-2006 11:32 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) B.B.
Police Dept. Voice Mail
Hello, you have reached the _________Police Department Voice Mail. Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive.
Please select one of the following options:
- To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press 1.
- To postulate whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2.
- To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
- If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
- If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5.
- If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.
- To provide a list of police officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.
- To sue us, tell us you'll have our badge, and how you pay our salary, or proclaim our career is over, press 8.
- To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head and turn around three times. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-28-2006 06:57 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
ORIGINAL STORY TAKEN FROM THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER IN GRAND FALLS, NEWFOUNDLAND
George Phillips of Grand Falls,Newfoundland, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from their bedroom window.
George proceeded to the back door to go outside to turn the lightoff but immediately saw that there were people in the shed and they were stealing things.
He immediately telephoned the police and told them that there
were burglars in his shed.
The officer asked,"Is there a burglar in your house?"
George replied, "No."
The officer then said that all the patrols were busy and that he(George)should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said ok and hung up the phone.He counted to 30 and phoned the police again.
"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
burglars in my shed.Well,you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." And he hung up.
Within five minutes,three police cars,an Armed Response Unit,
and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips'residence.
Of course,the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George,"I thought you said that
you'd shot them!"
George replied, "I thought you said there was no one available!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-03-2006 08:53 PM
Rated G
"Missing Husband"
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair,an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds,is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested,"Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby,bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-30-2006 10:43 AM
Rated PG The White Rabbit
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a! nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor! I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they t! ook away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-31-2006 11:51 AM
Rated G B.B.
Police Lines
"Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-09-2006 09:05 PM
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DONT MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up,counted to 30,and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-11-2007 08:14 AM
Rated G Lorraine
I travelled with my parents to my aunt's funeral in a town a short distance away. Halfway there, Dad was pulled over for speeding. Mom quickly told Dad to tell the officer that we were on the way to his sister's funeral, but Dad refused to use that as an excuse. The officer took Dad's licence and car registration, and when he returned to the car and handed Dad the ticket, he said, "And my condolences, Mr. Higgins, on the death of your sister." Dad looked at him in amazement and asked how he knew of her death. "Well, sir," the officer explained, "we've already stopped two of your brothers and three of your nephews."
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