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Author Topic: Police - Law Enforcement Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2005 10:32 AM                        Rated G The cop was on the witness stand. "I could see him in the middle of the road on his hands and knees." "Your honor," interrupted the lawyer. "Just because a man is in the middle of the road on his hands and knees at midnight is no sign that he is drunk." "What the attorney says is quite true," agreed the cop. "But the defendant was trying to roll up the while line."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2005 11:01 AM                        Rated G B.B. I had received an early morning call from the hospital that my wife had been moved to intensive care. As I sped down the nearly empty highway, I spotted flashing red lights in my rearview mirror. I pulled over. "Good morning, sir," said the officer. "You appear to be in quite a hurry." Quickly I explained the situation. "Why are you wasting time?" he asked. "Get on your way, slow down, and good luck." Four days later I was again en route to the hospital, travelling within the speed limit. Again I was pulled over. The policeman approached."Don't get out of the car," he said."How's your wife?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 11:57 AM                        Rated G A Police Car arrived at a hit and run scene. The first policeman says to the second, "Write: Body on the road, hands on the road, legs on the road, head on the pavement." The other policeman thinks for a moment, then asks, "How do you spell pavement?" So the first policeman looks around nervously then kicks the head and says, "Head on the road."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 02:53 PM                        Rated G If you're a cop...Ways NOT To Start Your Police Report: 1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ... 2.The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ... 3.The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ... 4.Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout- outs" for my homeys in the command staff ... 5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ... 6.Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end. 7.Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly... 8.The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ... 9.A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-14-2005 05:45 AM                        Rated G "Word to the wise: "Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away ..." is a good way to start a story -- unless, of course, the story is being told to a cop and it's about where your pants are." Cpl. Dustin E.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 09:40 AM                        Rated G "You Are Under Arrest And...." 1. No, I DON'T KNOW who you are. 2. No, I don't CARE who you know. 3. Yes, you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes, you CAN have my job. 5. NO, I don't have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I do arrest REAL CRIMINALS sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are (fill in ethnic group.) 8. No, I CAN'T give you a break. 9. No, I DON'T KNOW your friend Officer (fill in the name.) 10. YES, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, you probably will NEVER DO IT AGAIN. 12. No, WE CAN'T talk about it. 13. Yes, it does MAKE ME HAPPY. 14. Yes, you WILL SEE ME IN COURT. ...YOUR ARRESTING OFFICER  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 09:42 AM                        Rated G A City Policeman went up to a vendor selling toys and said, "I'm sorry, you can't sell that stuff without a license." The peddler replied, "Oh, ok, thanks, I knew I wasn't selling any, but I didn't know the reason."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 03:37 PM                        Rated G A guy was in court charged with parking in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the guy. "It said `FINE FOR PARKING HERE`."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-24-2005 01:03 PM                        Rated G George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no." Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 08-24-2005 03:25 PM                     Rated G A farmer calls the police "My donkey died." Police: Why are you calling us for? Farmer: If someone dies you oughta tell his relatives....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-24-2005 04:18 PM                        Rated PG The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said: "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2005 10:22 AM                        Rated PG Police Warning Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs." Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-21-2005 08:32 AM                        Rated PG A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-27-2005 09:40 AM                        Rated R Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-27-2005 09:43 AM                        Rated PG Brandon Laws of Law Enforcement 1. Bullet Proof vests aren't. 2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and choke harder too. 3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you ve been a cop. 4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face. 5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic. 6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs. 7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp. 8. Flash hiders don't really. 9. If you have cleared all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house. 10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at. 11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen). 12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on Eyewitness News . 13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal. 14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use. 15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes a dumb-ass civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions. 16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do. 17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol. 18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can. 19. On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be. 20. The longer you ve been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets. 21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it. 22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is Boomer. 23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off. 24. If a large group of drunk bikers is holed-up in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker holed-up in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.  |  IP: Logged

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