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Author Topic: Police - Law Enforcement Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2005 10:04 AM                        Rated G Jargon: Cop slang for a stolen vase.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2005 04:10 PM                        Rated G An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home." "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that, too." "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately. "Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2005 02:07 PM                        Rated G Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "beer." The drug is found in liquid form and available almost everywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. Many times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a scam known as "relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-16-2005 09:55 AM                        [b]Rated G [/b[ I was taking a statement from a gentleman who had reported an incident to the police. Because he hadn't given me his middle name, I asked him what it was. "Sir," he replied, "with 23 children in my family, I was lucky to get a first name!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 09:11 AM                        Rated G In Michigan a man was pulled over for a driving violation. When the officers searched his car they found a revolver, so they arrested him. They had to release him the next day with an apology. The revolver had fallen out of the policeman's holster!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 07:02 AM                        Rated G B.B. So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor....The following were taken off of police car videos around the country. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh. Did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "Just how big were those two beers?" "I'm glad to hear that Sheriff Tom Ariss is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail." "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ...You're right, we don't...sign here."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 05:10 PM                        Rated G A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2005 06:51 AM                        Rated G Life's greatest pleasures are the simple ones, like seeing the driver who cut ahead of you on the freeway pulled over by the police 3 miles down the road.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2005 10:42 AM                        Rated G A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2005 10:39 AM                        Rated G Of course you heard about the dyslexic Highway patrolman who was giving out IUDs. --Sacramento Mike  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2005 11:03 AM                        Rated G Mrs. Johnson A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 04:57 PM                        Rated G A policeman brought four boys before a judge. "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said."Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong." "My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 11:35 AM                        Rated G At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge." The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery." The judge winced and said,"Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 02:47 PM                        Rated G I was driving home from work when, out of nowhere, a bird slammed into my windshield. The poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper, so I tried to get it loose by turning on the switch. On the first upswing of the wiper, the bird flew off, slamming into the windshield of the police car behind me. Immediately, the cop pulled me over. He walked up and told me he saw what happened. "I'm going to have to write you up," he said, "for flipping me the bird."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 03:24 PM                        Rated G Lulu A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime. Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?" Boy: "Only that I'm sorry your honor." Judge: "Hrmph. I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately." Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!" Judge: "Consider yourself lucky... It could have been life boy."  |  IP: Logged

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