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Author Topic: Police - Law Enforcement Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2004 06:39 AM                        Rated G A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister,played poker for small stakes once a week.The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town.The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge. After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling,Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered,"Oh, Lord,forgive me!" and then said aloud:"No, your honor,I was not gambling." "Were you gambling,Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said,"No,your honor,I wasn't." Turning to the third clergyman,the judge asked:"Were you gambling,Rabbi?" The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied. . . "With whom?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2004 08:50 AM                        Rated G Did you hear what the dyslexic Highway Patrolman did on New Year's? . . . . . . . . He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.'s  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2004 08:57 PM                        Rated G Michele Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night.He is on the lookout for trouble.He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used car lot.The car lot is closed,so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks,"Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?" "Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon." "Well," says the cop,"why don't you start it up and drive out of here?" "We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting. e were told that if we bought a car here we would get screwed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 10:12 AM                        Rated G Michele How to avoid being shot by the Police This is NOT Rocket Science... Although some treat it as such. Recently,in an area on the East Coast, an inordinate number of police-officer-involved shootings have taken place.As a result, several suspects have been fatally injured.Newspapers in the area, quoting local "community activists," have editorialized that,with all these shootings by police,"any citizen" could find himself dodging police bullets,for no apparent reason at all. Responding to the newspaper editorial,a Los Angeles Deputy District Attorney,who is obviously community minded,submitted a five-point plan.The plan is designed to assist citizens,who might otherwise be randomly shot by police, in staying out of the path of police bullets.The newspaper never printed it,but I thought you might appreciate it,even if they didn't: I've devised a five-point plan to help citizens avoid being shot by police.This plan may not prevent all shootings,but very few will take place when the plan is rigorously adhered to. Here are the rules: 1. DON'T COMMIT VIOLENT CRIMES It seems elementary,but this rule is lost on many.They do the crime,get shot,and then wonder how it could possibly happen. They whine that it is so unfair.Well,violent crime,like jumping in front of moving cars,is just a high-risk occupation,and,in case you missed it,committing a violent crime makes police officers think you might not be a good person. 2. If you ignore rule No. 1, and the police confront you,DON'T RUN AWAY FROM THEM I know it's hard to believe,but that may make them think you're guilty of something.Hiding in bushes or closets makes some cops (mostly older ones) very nervous.They might even foolishly conclude that you're up to no good. 3. If you disregard rules 1 and 2,and the cops catch up with you anyway and inform you that you are under arrest,DON'T MAKE FAST MOVEMENTS WITH YOUR HANDS I know it sounds silly,but grabbing a shiny beer can,a dark- colored wallet,or one of those snazzy and real-looking replica guns may make police officers mistakenly believe that you are about to hurt them. 4. If you disregard rules 1, 2, and 3,and manage to get what looks like a deadly weapon into your hands,DON'T POINT IT AT THE COPS We all know that you're basically a nice person, but that may be lost on the police officers confronting you. In their paranoia, they may even believe they need to protect themselves. 5. If you disregard rules 1, 2, 3, and 4,DON'T BE ASTONISHED IF THE COPS DO NOT INSTANTLY TURN INTO YOUR PERSONAL CONFIDANTE They may be too preoccupied to realize that you're normally a splendid person and that you're just having a bad day.They may be too preoccupied to see that when you point a weapon at them in a threatening manner,it is just your way of crying out for help.We both know that the whole problem can be traced to the fact that your mother didn't breast feed you,but some police officers are so cynical they just don't see it. So,there you have it.If you really apply yourself and obey even some of the rules listed above,I bet you'll avoid the vast majority of police gunfire. And if you don't...... A crafty lawyer can make you,(if you survive) or your family "VERY" rich!!! Welcome to America!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2004 11:12 AM                        Rated G A state trooper stopped Jill for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed her a ticket, Jill asked, "Don't you give out warnings?" "Yes, Ma'am," he replied. They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed limit 70.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 12:55 PM                        Rated G Michele A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house. Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they?" asked the driver. "You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge. "The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2004 08:40 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Hello,you have reached the Police Dept's Voice Mail.Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and usual circumstances arrive.Please select one of the following options: To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created yourself, press 1. To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2. To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3. If you would like us to raise your children, press 4. If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical dependency or alcohol, press 5. If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6. To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7. To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8. To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping your dumb ass in line,press 9. Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support and remember.....we're here to save your ass,NOT kiss it!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 09:29 PM                        Rated G A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the following hypothetical question: "If your beat was a lonely path in Central Park,and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and declared that a strange man with a film-tech shirt had suddenly grabbed her,and hugged and kissed her,what would you do?" The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation, "I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2004 01:11 PM                        Rated G An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busyboulevard.Suddenly,the light turns yellow,just in front of him.He does the honest thing,and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof,and the horn,screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks upinto the face of a very serious police officer.The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up.He takes herto the police station where she is searched,fingerprinted, photographed,and placed in a cell.After a couple of hours, a policeman approachesthe cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking deskwhere the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled-up behindyour car while you were blowing your horn,flipping the bird to the guyin front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.I noticed your "ChooseLife" license plate holder, the "What would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the"Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated"Christian fish" emblem on the trunk. He shrugged. "Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2004 09:41 PM                        Rated G A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically. "What the hell do you think your doing. There's a public toilet 20 feet from here!" The man, amazed, yells back. "What do you think I have, a hose?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2004 12:59 PM                        Rated G Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll: Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire. It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public. Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me. "Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2004 01:10 PM                        Rated G YOU'VE WORKED FOR THE POLICE DEPT. TOO LONG WHEN: You have the bladder capacity of three people. You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change. You've asked Santa for an automatic weapon. You request a criminal history on anyone who seems friendly towards you. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal. You own Kevlar underwear. You find humor in other's stupidity. You believe in aerial spraying of PROZAC. You buy black leather for reasons other than home entertainment. You know "GOING POSTAL" doesn't mean mailing a letter. You believe that "ugly in public" should be grounds for arrest. You believe that some people should have to get a permit to reproduce. You fear the outcome if someone comments, "Boy it sure is quiet." You own at least five pairs of mirrored glasses. You've ever wanted to fence off part of your city and turn it into a prison. You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict. You have ever had to put the caller on hold before you started laughing. You wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide, get it right the first time." You have ever heard a Sergeant say, "Who's in charge of this mess, anyway." You paid more for your sidearm than you did for your car. It occurs to you that you are policing "The Twilight Zone." You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around. You refer to your work as "collecting garbage." You think of politicians, lawyers and disease causing bacteria as the same life form. You think that if you weren't meant to drive fast, they wouldn't have given you a car with lights and sirens. You believe it's not a good death unless it causes overtime. You haven't seen it all - just all the sick parts. You have trouble differentiating between counsel and client. You believe that everyone's IQ drops by 50% when they get behind the wheel of a car. You know that Miranda wasn't a dancer. You don't see daylight from November to May. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room, because they think it's funny and original. You believe strongly in involuntary sterilization. You believe in a "public stupidity" law, for those cases where nothing else fits. You are beginning to like the smell of pepper spray in the evening air.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2004 05:16 AM                        Rated G My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep." "But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn't it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-23-2004 11:08 AM                        Rated G New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2004 10:11 AM                        Rated PG Michele An old man gets pulled over for drunk driving. Upon arrival at the mans car the Cop says, "Step out of the car please." The old man handed the cop his beer bottle and announced, "I don't think I can...you get on in here!"  |  IP: Logged

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