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Author Topic: Police - Law Enforcement Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2003 04:41 PM                        Rated PG Tanya While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over,walked up to the car and asked me,"What's the hurry?" I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded. The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?" I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide." The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....." Bail: $100 Ticket: $95 Look on cop's face: Priceless  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-02-2003 09:33 AM                        Rated G One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However,when she looked into her rear mirror,much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind!And,to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.She thought to herself,"Uh-oh,what have I done now? I'm not speeding.I'm not drinking.I have my seat belt on!I have kept up my license dues and everything!" So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind hercar. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window,and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her.The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head,meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly,and knowing sign language,signed back,"I know.I'm here to tell you that your horn isstuck."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2003 02:15 PM                        Rated G An engineer was stuck and knocked down by a hit-and-run driver. The police arrived and asked the man if he had gotten the driver's license number. "Not exactly." he replied. "But I did notice if it were doubled and then multiplied by itself, the square root of the product was the same as the original numbers, only with the integers reversed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 11:53 AM                        Rated PG Louise I was sitting at a stop light this morning.The lady in front of me was going through papers on the seat of her car, and when the light changed to green she did not obey its command - a green light is a commandment -NOT a suggestion. When the light turned to red, and she had still not moved, I began (with my windows up) screaming epithets and beating on my steering wheel. My expressions of distress were interrupted by a policeman, gun drawn, tapping on my window. Against my protestations of,"You can't arrest me for hollering in my car," he ordered me into the back seat of his. After about two hours in a holding cell,the arresting officer advised me I was free to go. I said, "I knew you couldn't arrest me for what I was yelling in my own car. You haven't heard the last of this." The officer replied, "I didn't arrest you for shouting in your car. I was directly behind you at the light. I saw you screaming and beating your steering wheel, and I said to myself, "What a jerk. But there is nothing I can do to him for throwing a fit in his own car. Then I noticed the 'Cross' hanging from your rear view mirror, the bright yellow 'Choose Life' license tag, the 'Jesus is Coming Soon' bumper sticker, and the Fish symbol and I thought you must have stolen the car."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-30-2003 03:56 PM                        Rated G The end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 07:55 PM                        Rated G My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast,she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep." "But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet,"Frost chose the road less traveled,and,unfortunately for you,this wasn't it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2003 07:23 AM                        Rated G My house was robbed so I called the cops and a couple officers came to take the report. Officer; Approximately when did it occur? Me; Sometime in the past twenty-four hours. Officer; They took everything except your computer? Me; Yes. Officer; That's strange. What time did you get back home? Me; OH, I have been home, but didn't notice it till my computer just went down.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 04:44 PM                        Rated G Detective (surveying a lineup): Now each of you repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot." Suspect in the lineup: That's not what I said!  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 06-10-2003 05:34 PM                     Rated PG What Not to Say to The Police [LIST] 1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.(OK in Texas) 2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. 5) Are you Andy or Barney? 6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8) I pay your salary! 9) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12) When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with , "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2003 09:41 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee In the days of the Old West, bar fights would often spill over into the street and before anyone knew what happened, it was a full-scale riot.In one such town, the Mayor wired the Texas Rangers for help.On the next train, a Ranger gets off and is greeted by the astonished Mayor. "They only sent one Ranger ???" The Ranger straightened his hat,brushed the dust from his coat, and replied, "Y'all only got one riot, right?" Note: Must have sent Cordell Walker  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 11:44 AM                        Rated G : Michele Hand-printed sign posted in a traffic court: "Don't complain, think of all the tickets you have deserved but didn't get."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 12:25 PM                        Rated G Michele Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street. They stopped her and decided she had had far too much to drink, soinstead of taking her to jail they offered to drive her home. The cops loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gotin the back seat with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, but all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is: "You're Passionate." They drove a while longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm: "You're Passionate." The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live." The drunk lady replied, "I keep trying to tell you, "You're Passin' It!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-29-2003 09:05 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Police Dept's Office Answering Machine Hello, you have reached the Police Dept's Voice Mail.  Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and usual circumstances arrive.  Please select one of the following options: To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created yourself, press 1. To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2. To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3. If you would like us to raise your children, press 4. If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical dependency or alcohol, press 5. If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6. To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7. To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8. To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping your dumb ass in line, press 9. Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support and remember.....we're here to save your ass, NOT kiss it! Thanks for calling your local police dept. and have a nice day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-06-2003 11:00 AM                        Rated G NEVER SAY TO A COP 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you beendrinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 08:13 AM                        Rated G - While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"  |  IP: Logged

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