my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Police - Law Enforcement (Page 5)

This topic comprises 16 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  ...  14  15  16

Author Topic: Police - Law Enforcement Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2002 01:12 PM                        Rated G What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?" asked the judge. "Well, Your Honor," replied the arresting officer, "I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, 'I want to listen to it on my record-player!' "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2002 10:10 AM                        Rated G HARASSMENT Recently, California ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being "Community Policing". One of the civilian email participants posed the following question: "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?" From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) a cool cop with a sense of humor replied: "It is not easy. In California we average one cop for every 2000 people. About 60% of those cops are on patrol, where we do most of the harassing. One-fifth of that 60% are on duty at any moment and available for harassing people.So, one cop is responsible for harassing about 10,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial, business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 20,000 or more people a day. A ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds. This gives a cop one-second to harass a person, and three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. Most cops are not up to it day in and day out. It is just too tiring.What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those, which we harass. They are as follows: PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase we use. Then we come out and give special harassment.Another popular one on a weeknight is, "The kids next door are having a party." CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars blasting music, cars with expired registration stickers and the like. It is lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, are drunk, or have a warrant. RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours. CODES: When you can think of nothing else to do, there are books that give ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Codes"; Penal, Vehicle, Health and Safety, Business and Professions... They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the code, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy smash a car window. Well, the code says that is not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It is a pretty cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. I seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because the good citizens who pay the tab like that we keep the streets safe for them. Next time you are in my town, give me a single finger wave. That is a signal that you wish for me to take a little closer look at you, and maybe I'll find a reason to harass YOU. Looking forward to meeting you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2002 05:37 PM                        Rated G Speed Trap A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale. The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous." "I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said. The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error. "But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2002 05:17 PM                        Rated G Lorraine BATTERY ACID AND FIREWORKS A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!? What did you do with them?" "Oh that was easy, . . . I charged one and let the other off."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 01:33 PM                        Rated G A cop pulls over a guy who's weaving his car through four lanes of traffic. COP: You drinkin'? DRIVER: That depends. You buyin'?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2002 03:34 PM                        Rated G An attractive young thing met her maiden aunt downtown for lunch one afternoon and during the meal, the older woman asked her niece to deposit a paycheck for her at the bank where the girl worked. On her way back from work,the girl was accosted by a purse snatcher. "Help,help,"she screamed at a passing cop."That man has taken my aunt's pay-he's taken my aunt's pay!" "OK,lady,"said the cop."Cut out the pig latin and tell me exactly what happened."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2002 10:09 AM                        Rated G "What am I supposed to do with this?" Maurice grumbled as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic fine. "Keep it" the clerk advised."When you get three of them, you get a bicycle.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2002 08:46 PM                        Rated PG A Roseville police officer got more than he expected with his soft-shell taco during a recent dinner break. Officer Joe Spark was pre-paring to eat a taco from Taco John's, 3338 Rice St. when he noticed a dark green substance "which looked and smelled like marijuana,'' according to a criminal complaint filed in Ramsey County. The Ramsey County attorney's office has charged Jacob William Furey, 19, of Mounds View with one count of the sale of a controlled substance in the fifth degree. When Spark returned to the restaurant, he interviewed Furey, who told him that he had been handed the marijuana by another employee and had sprinkled it on a taco ordered by the officer, the complaint said. The Roseville Police Department tested the taco and confirmed the presence of marijuana.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-02-2003 08:20 AM                        Rated G POLICE OFFICER: You're definitely to blame for this car accident. MAURICE: What?That other driver clearly drove into me! How can you say it's my fault and not his? POLICE OFFICER: Because his father is the mayor,his brother is the chief of police and I'm engaged to his sister.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 10:11 AM                        Rated G While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a cop,apparently waist deep in snow, traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out"I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow." The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me,feel sorry for my horse.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 11:29 AM                        Rated G Your Chicken? One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car.The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car,got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car. So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken.So he pulled him over,walked up to the car,pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks at the trooper and says,"No thanks,I just bought some."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 09:18 PM                        A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, ... Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube. The man says, ... Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack. ... Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station togive a blood sample. ... I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death. ... Well, then, we need a urine sample. ... I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar. ... All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line. ... I can't do that, officer. ... Why not? ... Because I'm drunk!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 10:50 AM                        Rated PG "You Are Under Arrest And...." 1. No, I DON'T KNOW who you are. 2. No, I don't CARE who you know. 3. Yes, you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes, you CAN have my job. 5. NO, I don't have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I do arrest REAL CRIMINALS sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are (fill in ethnic group.) 8. No, I CAN'T give you a break. 9. No, I DON'T KNOW your friend Officer (fill in the name.) 10. YES, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, you probably will NEVER DO IT AGAIN. 12. No, WE CAN'T talk about it. 13. Yes, it does MAKE ME HAPPY. 14. Yes, you WILL SEE ME IN COURT....YOUR ARRESTING OFFICER  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 02:57 PM                        Rated G A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off. "Shall I run and get it for you?" asked the prisoner obligingly. "You must think I'm daft," said the officer. "You stand here and I'll get it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2003 08:16 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it. No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check. Twice  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 16 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  ...  14  15  16

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.