The policeman's wife came home from work and found a note from her husband.

"Your doctor called and said your Pabst Beer came back alright...
whatever that means."

I am a police officer in New York State. I have had many unusual
experiences on traffic stops. Here are a few of the more interesting excuses and incidents I have encountered...

This older man ran a red light and after I pulled him over I was going to let him go with a warning.HOWEVER, when I returned to the vehicle he said to me "just give me my %$^% ticket, so I can go."I informed him that I had been going to let him go but since he insisted I will be right back with his ticket.

A woman passed several cars on the shoulder while doing approximately 75 mph. When I asked her why she had been doing this while she had two small children in the car she answered, "Officer I was fighting for position." She received a ticket.

I pulled a car over for having a headlight out on a Saturday night, after I spoke to the operator I discovered that the vehicle was unregistered, uninsured, uninspected and the plates had been switched to the car from another. When asked why the operator had done this, the passenger replied... "Officer, It's OK. We were going to register the car on Monday."

I pulled a car over for driving erratically, the driver told me the reason he had not been paying attention to the road. "I was watching the couple in the back seat have sex."

FBI'S MOST UNUSUAL DEATHS

Every year the FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a
20-inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
OWWWW!!!!

2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8-year-old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very "real looking" target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

8- Helena Simms, wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even hadan ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two-timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving wasfilled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property.
Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry with his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double-sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! On one side, and God Loves the KKK on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

TALL, DARK & HANDSOME!

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report
that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald,has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The judge looked at the defendant and yelled, "I thought I told
you last time that I never wanted to see you here again!"

"Your Honor," replied the criminal. "That's what I kept trying to
tell the police, but they just wouldn't listen."

Urban Legends

LOST IN THE PARK:

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ? "

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't.....I was just too tired to walk home."

Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three
women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied,
"I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just
passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it
one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly
break the fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and
crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was
a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with
the other."

The agitated woman had rung 911.

"Police, fire or ambulance?" asked the operator.

"I want a vet!" demanded the panic stricken woman.

"A vet?" said the emergency service operator in surprise. "What for?"

"To open my bulldog's jaws."

"But why did you ring 911 ?"

This guy is flying down the road, and he comes over a bridge.

Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work."

"What do you do?"

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"

The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

The Traffic Stop

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

New Arrestee Questionnaire

Law Enforcement Improvement Policy

In order to provide you, the customer, with the best possible service, we ask that you take a few minutes to complete this critique.

1. During your arrest were you advised of your rights in a timely manner?

___ Yes
___ No
___ What rights?

2. If your attitude at the time of arrest required the use of force, how would you rate the application of said force?

___ Too much
___ Not enough
___ Just right

3. If an arrest warrant was used during your arrest, what type was it?

___ Consensual
___ Court ordered
___ Police ordered

4. When you were handcuffed, how would you rate their use?

___ Too tight
___ Not tight enough
___ Too loose
___ Not loose enough
___ Just right

5. For what crime were you arrested?

___ Homicide
___ Rape
___ Robbery
___ DUI
___ Public Stupidity
___ Public Mopery with Intent to Gawk
___ Other

6. During your arrest, was the officer's commentary directed at you politically correct?

___ Yes
___ No

7. During your ride to jail, how many times did the officer's driving habits cause your face to impact with the silent partner?

___ Once
___ Twice
___ Three times
___ I can't remember

8. Once you arrived at our jail, how were you removed from the vehicle?

___ Through the car door
___ Through the trunk
___ From the trunk
___ Through the wing window
___ Off the bumper

9. Have you taken advantage of our department's free attitude adjustment program?'

___ Yes
___ No
___ Not yet

10. How would you rate the food at our jail in comparison with food at other jails you have visited?

___ Excellent
___ Good
___ Fair
___ Poor
___ Bad
___ What food?

11. Would you recommend being arrested by our department to your fellow felons?

___ Yes
___ No
___ You gotta be kidding

12. Were you offered an opportunity to confess to the crime you were arrested for?

___ Yes
___ No

13. Were you offered an opportunity to confess to the crime you were not arrested for?

___ Yes
___ No

14. Our department is offering a Time Saver Program whereby you can sign all forms ahead of time, and we will fill in the blanks later. Would you be interested in such a program?

___ Yes
___ No
___ Does X count as a signature?

Law Enforcement

1. Bullet Proof vests aren't.

2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and choke harder too.

3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you ve been a cop.

4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.

5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.

8. Flash hiders don't really.

9. If you have cleared all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on Eyewitness News .

13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.

14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes a dumb-ass civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.

16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.

19. On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.

20. The longer you ve been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.

21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.

22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is Boomer.

23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

Our First Anniversary

The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my
office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror. The
police officer pulled me over for speeding.

I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on
our first anniversary.

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