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Author Topic: Police - Law Enforcement Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 08:21 AM                        Rated G Car Race A man was driving along a rural Alabama road in his beat up old Dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help. After a few minutes the two men obviously werent going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage. A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge to the Jaguar, and they agreed that if the Jaguar driver was going too fast, the man should blow his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow down. With that the two men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver started to pull away with the Dodge behind it. At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the Jaguar and started to rev his engine provocatively. As soon as the light turned green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their accelerators and took off. Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph. As the cars speed along, they passed through a police speed trap. The officer couldnt believe his eyes when he saw the three cars go by, and he decided that he couldn't catch them all by himself, so he decided to radio for help: "You wont believe what I just saw! I saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 120 mph side by side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get by...!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 09:06 AM                        Rated G The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked. Replied the spokesman, "French Toast"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 08:29 AM                        Rated G : Excuses For Breaking The Speed Limit" * I didn't realize I was speeding. * I was traveling with the flow of traffic. * I was only passing someone. * My speedometer must be wrong or broken. * But I had my cruise set at _____. * Your radar must be wrong. * Running late for something. * I'm on vacation. * I was trying to get to a rest room. * This is someone else's car. * I wasn't paying attention. * I didn't know what the speed limit was. * I was going downhill. * I'm almost out of gas. * My accelerator stuck. * _______ is dying/just died. * I have a fast car and this is a good road. * I was just trying to get home. * I was mad at someone. * My wife's having a baby. * I was just on my way to do someone a favor. * I was trying to get away from someone... Road rage. * The kid was fussing. * I was just trying this car out. * I didn't know you were around. * I've always driven like this. * I was trying to catch someone. * I'm just tired and hunting for a place to eat. * I didn't have my CB on. * My fuzz buster is broken. * I never thought I'd get stopped. * I'm allowed to go ten miles over where I'm from.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 03:25 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Taking Steps During a practical exercise at a military police base,the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves,he asked a student,"What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big,sharp knife?" The student replied."BIG ones."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 07:11 AM                        Rated PG A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically,"What the hell do you think you're doing? There's a public toilet 20 yards from here!" The drunk yells back,"What do you think I have,a fricken' hose?!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 02:41 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada,I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket,I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way. Later,I was stopped by another trooper."What have I done?" I asked. "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 06:48 AM                        Rated PG "Murphy's Laws for Law Enforcement" 1.Bullet Proof'vests aren't. 2.The bigger they are,the harder they fall.They also punch,kick and choke harder too. 3.The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop. 4.Tear gas works on cops too,and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face. 5.High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic. 6.If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs. 7.Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp. 8.Flash hiders don't really. 9.If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house. 10.If a cop swings a baton in a fight,he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at. 11.Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room),to an area with many available weapons (kitchen). 12.If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you,you are about to become a star on Eyewitness News'. 13.Bullets work on veteran cops too.They also work on weight lifters,martial arts experts,department marksmen,Vice cops, S.W.A.T.jocks,and others who consider themselves immortal. 14.When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed,he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use. 15.If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert,within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions. 16.You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop,and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do. 17.Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol. 18.From behind you,the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can. 19.On any call,there will always be more bad guys'than there are good guys,and the farther away your back-up,the more there will be. 20.The longer you've been a cop,the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets. 21.Whatever you are about to do,if there is a good chance it will get you killed,you probably shouldn't do it. 22.You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer". 23.The better you do your job,the more likely you are to be shot, injured,complained on,sued,investigated,or subpoenaed on your day off. 24.If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house,the Department will send one officer in a beat car.If there is one biker "holed-up"in a house,they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2003 11:51 AM                        Ratd G "True Police Story" An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off,taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error,drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time,at an even slower speed. Same result. "This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought. A few weeks later,when he received the violations in the mail,he discovered three traffic tickets:each for not wearing a seat belt!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2003 09:25 AM                        Rated G A lady was pulled over by a traffic cop for speeding.Of course she went to the traffic court,and thankfully her fine was reduced to $25.Only one problem plagued her.Her husband didn't know of the event,and he always examined the checkbook.How could she explain this one? Suddenly inspiration struck.She made a notation on the check stub,"One pullover,$25."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 10:45 PM                        Rated PG "But officer," protested the teenage boy from the parked car. "We were only necking." "OK," said the cop."just put your neck back in your pants and get outta here."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 08:58 AM                        Rated PG ....Circle Flies It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motorist for speeding.While he's writing the ticket,flies keep buzzing around his head,annoying him considerably. "Circle flies sure are bad this year,aren't they?" says the motorist. "Yeah," says the patrolman,"if that's what these are,you're sure right.But I've never heard of a circle fly before.What's that?" "Well," the motorist responds, "circle flies are a species of fly that are particularly partial to horses.Specifically, they tend to circle around a horse's rear end.That's why they call'em circle flies." The patrolman,catching the implication,replies,"You don't say. Well, that's very interesting.But it strikes me that you might be trying to call me a horse's ass.You wouldn't be making that kind of implication about an officer of the law,would you?" "Oh,no sir!" responds the motorist."No, sir,not at all.I have the utmost respect for law enforcement officers,and would never dream of implying that one of them was a horse's ass.No, sir, I'm terribly sorry if that's how it sounded." "Yeah,I didn't think so,"replied the patrolman. "Yeah,"the motorist continued,"but there's just no fooling those circle flies,is there?"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 03-20-2003 09:29 AM                       What not to say to the nice policeman... I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? So, uh, you on the take or what? Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Bad cop! No doughnut!  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 03-20-2003 09:32 AM                       When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 03-20-2003 09:34 AM                       Rated R, for language. The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2003 01:38 PM                        Rated R A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"  |  IP: Logged

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