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Author Topic: Police - Law Enforcement Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 03:52 PM                        Rated G The judge said to the double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!" The judge ignored the outburst and continued, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The same voice yelled out, "You lying bastard! The judge looked sternly at the man who yelled and said, "Sir, you may be angry and frustrated by this man's crimes, but one more outburst from you and I'll find you in contempt of court. Do you understand?" The man replied, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but I've lived next door to that bastard for the past fifteen years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2005 01:33 PM                        Rated G Nine ways NOT to start your police report 1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... 2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent... 3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire... 4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs" for my homeys in the command staff... 5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ... 6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end. 7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly... 8. The suspect then tried to assualt me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ... 9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:27 AM                        Rated G Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes but he told the warden he wasn't worried at all about serving his full term. The warden asked him why, since most prisoners immediately start planning how they can get out early. Jimmy replied, "Well, my wife has never let me finish a sentence the whole time I've been married!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:28 AM                        Rated G They arrested a woman for causing an accident while on her cell phone...she was charged with driving while intalksicated.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-22-2005 01:20 PM                        Rated G As a Philadelphia Police officer, I investigated a series of house break-and-entries. We were able to lift fingerprints at the scenes and identify a suspect, who lived close by. He eventually pleaded guilty and was sentenced. Two years later there were more house break-ins in the same area. The method of entry and the items stolen had all the marks of the previous burglar's handiwork, although when interviewed him he denied any involvement. As he sat in the back of my police cruiser, I told him I was calling the fingerprint boys in to examine the houses. If they found his, I warned him, he could expect me to come back and arrest him. "You won't find my fingerprints in those houses," he said. "Why not?" I asked. "Because," he proudly informed me, "I wore gloves this time!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 07:46 AM                        Rated G You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered the suspect. "And what did you steal?" "A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject. "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But my wife didn't like the color."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2006 10:12 AM                        Rated G A policeman saw a man dressed in full cowboy garb -- hat, chaps, duster, six-shooters, boots and spurs -- standing on a street corner in a busy city. He approached the cowboy and asked him his name. "Call me Tex!" was the cowboy's reply. "Well, Tex, where are you from, Texas?" the policeman asked. "Nah, I'm from Louisiana, but I couldn't very well have you call me Louise!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2006 06:43 AM                        Rated G Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car. Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 08:07 AM                        Rated G A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving, who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, Your Honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to thirty days.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2006 06:41 AM                        Rated G Speed Trap! A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch 'all' the fish?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2006 06:43 AM                        Rated G B.B. KEEP SMILING On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed. But the flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit.I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration. "I am usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork. The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration." It was a warning ticket I had gotten for speeding in South Carolina.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2006 07:23 AM                        Rated PG A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2006 12:15 PM                        Rated G Blond Adonis A detective was interviewing a man whose clothing shop had been burglarized. "It's bad," said the owner, "But it's not as bad as it would have been if I had been robbed yesterday." "Why is that?" the detective asked. "Because today everything was on sale!" answered the man.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2006 01:22 PM                        Rated R While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2006 12:04 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti A judge had three young boys come before his bench. The first boy said, "All I did, Your Honor, was break a window, wreck someone's bike, and throw peanuts in the lake." The second boy said, "Me too, Your Honor. I only broke a small window, wrecked a friend's bike, and threw peanuts in the lake." The third boy said, "All I did was break a window and wreck a bike." The judge turned to the third boy and said, "Didn't you throw peanuts in the lake?" The boy said, "I'm Peanuts."  |  IP: Logged

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