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Author Topic: Men vs, Women & vice-versa Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-31-2008 09:29 AM                        Rated PG Jokester A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when they cut off your balls?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "What was the most painful part?" "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-10-2008 11:51 AM                        Rated PG..... Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2008 03:23 PM                        Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont. A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back! "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye." (Oh be quiet, and just forward it!)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2008 09:06 AM                        Rated R Jokester How many kinds of boobs are there? A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2008 09:14 AM                        Rated G Jokester A Week in Las Vegas Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard', and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore dingy and a butt full of quarters!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-30-2008 01:08 PM                        Rated PG Jokester Women & Men Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something the majority of men would rather not question. This is in case they discovered that she has been faking it all along, and that they are not, in fact, the stud they thought women go wild for. Rather, they are a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized. For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you. 1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking. 2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the "job at hand," and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod. 3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby," she is faking it. If she says, "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement. Remember these guidelines for future reference.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2009 11:52 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield. When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-04-2009 08:02 AM                        Rated G Jokester Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet?" 1. You haven't asked yet. 2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. 3. Because I just love hearing this question. 4. Just lucky, I guess. 5. It gives my mother something to live for. 6. My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole. 7. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. 8. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? 9. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. 10. It didn't seem worth a blood test. 11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. 12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. 13. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. 14. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. 15. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. 16. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. 17. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. 18. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? 19. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. 20. Why aren't you thin? 21. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. 22. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 06-26-2009 05:59 PM                        Rated PG.... Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's Underwear? A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night. Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? A: Because they are tired of using their own. Q: What's common between men and video? A: Both go backward...forward...backward...forward...backward....forward... stop and eject. Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period? A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble. Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction? A: A teabag. Q: Qualities to be a perfect wife: A: Beautiful, Responsible Energetic Adorable Sweet Truthful and Self-Organized. In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S Q: What is the similarity between men and rats? A: Both keep searching for new HOLES. Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology? A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.  |  IP: Logged John Wilson Film God Posts: 5438 From: Sydney, Australia. Registered: Dec 1999 posted 07-27-2009 09:54 PM                     One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.... ***************************************** A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And that's how the fight started.... ************************************** I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started... ***************************************** My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started... ********************************* I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started..... ************************* I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started.... ************************************* My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ================================ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... =============================== When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a petrol station... And then the fight started... ============================= My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend... I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.... ============================= I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started... ====================================== When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf ' Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.' The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. [ 07-27-2009, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: Adam Martin ]  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 02-05-2010 12:51 PM                        Rated PG.... A son asks his mother, 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?' The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all standard household appliances come in white.'  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 02-11-2010 01:19 PM                        Rated PG... Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip. Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do? Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire. "Man, how long have you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said 'do whatever you want.' Well, here I am."  |  IP: Logged Ian Parfrey Phenomenal Film Handler Posts: 1049 From: Imbil Australia 26 deg 27' 42.66" S 152 deg 42' 23.40" E Registered: Feb 2009 posted 03-04-2010 04:00 PM                     Rated M Miracle treatment. A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!" Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-30-2010 02:00 PM                        Rated G..... Young Bobby was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.  |  IP: Logged Phil Hill I love my cootie bug Posts: 7595 From: Hollywood, CA USA Registered: Mar 2000 posted 04-20-2010 06:42 PM                  Why Some Guys Have Dogs And Not Wives: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog's parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. 14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.  |  IP: Logged

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