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Author
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Topic: Men vs, Women & vice-versa
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-21-2008 11:50 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-24-2008 08:34 AM
Rated G
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was look ing for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special"
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said..
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-14-2008 07:12 AM
Rated PG
LOVE, n .* man's grand delusion that one woman differs from another;
* a sea of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses;
* what Plato described as "a grave mental disease";
* something they say is blind; it's marriage which is the real eye opener;
* that emotion which is not true until returned;
* that delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock {John Barrymore};
* what rich countries have in common with the residents of all third-world countries;
* is like measles; much worse when it comes late in life;
* the most slippery word in the human language; used by knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate the female of the species;
* the only fire for which there is no insurance;
* an emotion, even if unreturned, has its rainbow;
* the crocodile in the river of desire {Bhartrihari c. 625};
* the only game that two can play and both win;
* the last and most serious of the childhood diseases;
* what makes marriage possible; habit makes it last;
* is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise;
* a disease like measles, we all have to go through it;
* a temporary insanity curable by marriage or the removing of the patient from the influences under which he or she incurred the disorder;
* the only game that is never called on account of darkness;
* the tie that blinds;
* consists of happiness, given back and forth;
* the only thing that has changed over the millions of years of playing this game is that trumps have changed from clubs to diamonds;
* that which makes the world revolve;
* is really just being stupid together;
* a situation which happens when you think almost as much of another as you do of yourself;
* is a fan club with only two members;
* the only virtue that can be divided endlessly and still not be diminished;
* the triumph of imagination over intelligence;
* the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion;
* a strange feeling that comes over a man; when he keeps wanting to call a girl by his last name;
* is like war; simple to begin but the devil to stop;
* is like the action similar to an hourglass: the heart fills as the brain empties;
* something which creates a religion that worships two fallible gods;
* a word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle aged, and the mutual dependence of the old;
* a situation; when it is true, does not mean gazing into each other's eyes, but looking outward together in the same direction as life beckons;
* something which combines the two greatest powers on earth; war and peace;
* the balm that heals the wounds that words make.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-23-2008 06:51 AM
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
Cowboy Poetry
Buying a Bra
I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.
But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"
So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three. "
Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat
I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."
From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!
"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.
She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.
They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.
Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.
But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."
"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.
~ Author Unknown
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-02-2008 09:44 AM
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red.He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please,please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!' ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-27-2008 09:08 AM
Rated PG-13
Ways to Turn a Man Down
HE. "Can I buy you a drink?"
SHE. "Actually I'd rather have the money"
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
Great Answers to Pickup Lines:
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman:"That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman:"Unfertilized!"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman:"You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-18-2008 11:51 AM
Rated R
*** Blind Date
Joe took his, knock-down gorgeous, blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
“I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked what she would like to do here to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake..
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-29-2008 03:32 PM
Rated G
ONLY AN ITALIAN MAN CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing struck by lightning.One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,she wails. Then she yells,'Well, if I'm going to
die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.....No one moves. ..He removes his shirt. .Muscles ripple across his chest .
...She gasps... and He says......
Here - 'Iron this, and get me something to eat....
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